5 love languages resume

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The 5 Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman

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The Book in Three Sentences

• People speak different love languages
• After many years of marriage counseling, Chapman’s conclusion is that there are five emotional love languages—five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
• Chapman believes that once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language, you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage.

The Five Big Ideas

• We have been led to believe that if we are really in love, it will last forever. However, once the experience of falling in love has run its course, we return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves.
• Some couples believe that the end of the “in-love” experience means they have only two options: a life of misery with their spouse or jump ship and try again.
• However, there is a third and better alternative: We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was—a temporary emotional high—and now pursue “real love” with our spouse.
• Your partner’s complaints are the most powerful indicators of her primary love language.
• There is nothing more powerful than loving your partner even when they’re not responding positively.

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The 5 love languages.

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

The 5 Love Languages Summary

Chapman is convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile.

When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and they feel secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach their highest potential in life.

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.

Giving verbal compliments is one way to express words of affirmation to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words.

We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.

Sometimes our words say one thing, but our tone of voice says another.

We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday.

When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are introducing the element of choice. This is important because we cannot get emotional love by way of demand.

If your mate’s primary love language is quality time, your spouse simply wants you, being with them, spending time.

Spending time with your mate in a common pursuit communicates that you care about each other, that you enjoy being with each other, that you like to do things together.

One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, Chapman means sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.

We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.

Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot.”

One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them. Chapman calls this the “Minimum Daily Requirement” for a healthy marriage.

The essential ingredients in a quality activity are:

• At least one of you wants to do it
• The other is willing to do it
• Both of you know why you are doing it—to express love by being together.

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.”

Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

By acts of service, Chapman means doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.

Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.

Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love our spouses. If we choose to love, then expressing it in the way in which our spouse requests will make our love most effective emotionally.

People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her.

A common mistake many men make is assuming that physical touch is their primary love language because they desire sexual intercourse so intensely.

Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.

If your deepest pain is the critical, judgmental words of your spouse, then perhaps your love language is words of affirmation.

Chapman suggests three ways to discover your own primary love language:

• What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
• What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
• In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day. Chapman calls this “The disequilibrium of the ‘in-love’ experience.”

Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us.

Can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.

• How does your spouse respond when you try to show affection?
• On a scale of 0–10, how full is your love tank?
• Can you pinpoint a time in your marriage when “reality” set in? How did this affect your relationship, for better or worse?
• What would you most like to hear your spouse say to you?
• What in your marriage detracts from spending quality time?
• Reflect on ways to give gifts even if finances are tight.
• Many acts of service will involve household chores, but not all. What are some non-chore ways of serving your mate?
• Recall some non-sexual “touching times” that enhanced intimacy between the two of you.
• Do you think by now you have a good sense of what your spouse’s love language is? How about them for you? What more could you do to explore this?
• A key thought here is the idea of speaking our mate’s love language whether or not it is natural for us. Why is this so fundamental to a healthy marriage?
• What does your spouse do to make you feel more “significant”? How about what you do for them?

Recommended Reading

If you like The 5 Love Languages , you may also enjoy the following books:

• Awaken The Giant Within : How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny by Anthony Robbins
• Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey

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The 5 Love Languages Summary

1-Sentence-Summary: The 5 Love Languages shows couples how to make their love last by learning to recognize the unique way their partner feels love.

Favorite quote from the author:

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The 5 love languages review, audio summary, who would i recommend the 5 love languages summary to.

Anyone who has experienced romantic love can tell you that falling in love is easy. The hard part, especially in today’s world, is staying in love . So many couples drift apart. Distractions , conflicts, miscommunications , and boredom can get in the way of what was once a magical relationship. Staying in love takes work. Relationships need careful and attentive nurturing.

In The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts , we learn the remedy for all problems modern couples face. Dr. Gary Chapman is a marriage counselor who has found a proven method for making love last. He has given 15 million people improved relationships by teaching them their love languages, and he will help you identify yours.

Here are 3 of the most lovely lessons from this book:

• As your relationship matures, communication is key.
• There are 5 different ways people give and show love.
• Identify your and your partner’s love language to deepen intimacy.

Are you ready to learn how to grow closer to the people you love most? Let’s learn how!

If you want to save this summary for later, download the free PDF and read it whenever you want.

Lesson 1: As your relationship changes, communication will make it last.

Falling in love is amazing. There’s blushing, butterflies, flirting, and infatuation. We see the world through rose-colored glasses that can blur even our best judgment. As unromantic as it may sound, it’s driven by the instinctual drive to continue our species.

After around two years, however, those relationships based purely on romance will deteriorate. Reality creeps in, and couples start to have to work to meet each other’s emotional needs .

How do we make sure that we meet these necessities? Cultivate a relationship that allows for open and honest communication. As the excitement of new romance fades, we need to make sure that we can understand each other.

The best way to communicate as love matures is to find your companion’s love language.

Just like talking to someone who speaks an unfamiliar language, effectively communicating with your partner when you don’t speak the same love language is hard. The next lesson introduces us to the five different love languages to help you understand your significant other on a deeper, more intimate level.

Lesson 2: The five love languages are the different ways in which we express that we love someone.

Most languages have ways beyond words to express yourself. The same goes for love: There are different ways to show it. Here are five Chapman describes:

• Words of Affirmation . Words of praise and encouragement are a powerful way to share love for someone. To speak this language, you give verbal compliments often. Make sure they know you love their smile, their sense of humor, or that new outfit.
• Quality Time . Work and busy lives can get in the way of this love language all too easily. We can be in the same room as our partner and still fail to actually ‘be’ with them because of our electronics. The key to quality time is undivided attention. It can either be quality conversations or quality activities with your partner, like date night.
• Gift Giving . For some, gifts are a physical symbol of how their partner feels about them. Remember that it doesn’t matter how much it costs; it’s just the act of going out and getting or making a gift for your partner that will show them how you feel about them.
• Acts of Service . This is helping your partner with the things with which you know they would appreciate help. It can be things like helping the kids with homework, doing bills, or vacuuming, and will be different for everyone.
• Physical Touch . Even in infancy, humans need physical touch to thrive. We often forget, but this carries on into adulthood as well. Some ways you can express love in this way are holding hands, cuddling, kissing, or sex . Of course, find out what kinds of physical contact they like most, and this will deepen your intimacy.

Remember: There are many ways to show someone you love them . Be sure to use them all!

Lesson 3: To be closer with your significant other, learn each other’s love languages.

Now that you know the five love languages, you can figure out what your primary language is. Then, with the help of your partner, discover what theirs is.

Pinpointing your own is pretty easy: ask yourself what you most often request from your partner. Maybe you have been asking for help with the laundry or asking your partner if you both can put the kids to bed a little earlier so you can spend time together.

It can also help to think of what has made you feel most loved and appreciated in the past, whether it was a physical gesture, a gift, or a compliment.

Once you figure out what you enjoy, it’s time to find your pain points. Hurtful relationship experiences from your past can guide you to your love language. Think of times your emotional needs went unmet, or you were disappointed in a relationship.

It’s helpful to think of family relationships in childhood, because these shape the way we are as adults. If these experiences fall into the same category as a love language, like disappointing gifts, or a lack of time spent with you, then that is probably your love language.

After discovering your language, share it with your partner. Help them discover theirs. Once you both understand each other’s primary language, it will be much easier to meet each other’s needs.

You can help your partner feel more loved, appreciated, and understood the way it means most to them. Best of all, you can communicate to them how much you love them, and this will be the groundwork for building a fulfilling relationship that lasts.

The 5 Love Languages is essential for anyone who is in a serious relationship or ever plans to be in one. It will help couples understand each other better by teaching them how to find what their love language is. By explaining the love languages, it serves as a guide so couples can communicate better and build a relationship that lasts.

Listen to the audio of this summary with a free reading.fm account:

The 40-year-old married couple who feels that their love is waning, the 26-year-old newlyweds who are wanting to set solid ground for their marriage, and anyone in a relationship or considering one.

Last Updated on August 16, 2022

Luke Rowley

With over 450 summaries that he contributed to Four Minute Books, first as a part-time writer, then as our full-time Managing Editor until late 2021, Luke is our second-most prolific writer. He's also a professional, licensed engineer, working in the solar industry. Next to his day job, he also runs Goal Engineering, a website dedicated to achieving your goals with a unique, 4-4-4 system. Luke is also a husband, father, 75 Hard finisher, and lover of the outdoors. He lives in Utah with his wife and 3 kids.

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Kevin / July 10, 2013

What are the Five Love Languages? Summary of Dr. Gary Chapman’s Book

Dr. Chapman explains how important it is for couples to understand how each other and themselves both give and receive love. It is possible for couples to truly love each other, but to truly feel unloved because they don’t think the same about giving and receiving love.

Everybody generally has their own primary love languages for receiving love and giving love. It may be the same for giving/receiving, and it may be different. If a husband does not meet the primary love language of his wife, she might not sense his true feelings and start to be unsatisfied with their relationship.

Understanding your spouse’s love language and acting accordingly will fill their “Love Tank”. The “Love Tank” analogy is a great metaphor for describing how loved someone feels. Like a gas tank in a car, our lives run best when our Love Tank is filled and constantly being topped off. The alternative is running on fumes and burning out.

Meeting people’s primary love language consistently will fill up their love tank and help them feel loved like they need. But if a spouse fails to meet this primary love language, it might leave their “Love Tank” empty, which leads to feelings of being unloved and issues in relationships.

Below is a summary of Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages with three questions at the bottom to discern what is your primary love language:

Summary: What are the Five Love Languages?

1. Words of Affirmation

“If this is your love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you, etc.”

2. Acts of Service

“If your partner offering to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.”

3. Affection

“This love language is just as it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language.”

4. Quality Time

“This love language is about being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial.”

“Your partner taking the time to give you a gift can make you feel appreciated.”

How to figure out your primary language:

• Your upbringing can speak into your love language. How did you parents show you love growing up? What made you feel the most loved as a child? There is a high probability that is your primary love language.
• When you really want to show someone you care about them, what first comes to your mind to show it? Your most basic instincts can show your primary love language as well.
• Painful relational experiences can show your primary love language. If someone close to you hurt you in a deep way or neglected to show love the way you wanted, perhaps the deep hurt/dissatisfaction came because the way you most feel loved was not met. This means that what they failed to do is what you value the most because it is your primary love language.

Take the Five Love Languages  test to assess what your love languages are.

Additional Love Language Resources from Gary Chapman:

• One Hour Video of The Five Love Languages with Dr. Chapman  (or the DVD )
• The Five Love Languages of Children
• The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition
• The 5 Love Languages Men’s Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts
• The Five Love Languages of Teenagers: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively
• The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts
• Five Love Languages, Small Group Study Edition
• The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace: Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People
• Los 5 Lenguajes del Amor: El Secreto del Amor Que Perdura (Spanish Edition)
• The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships
• The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional
• Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married
• The Heart of the Five Love Languages Audiobook

Limitations of The Five Love Languages

David Powlison of the Christian Counseling and Counseling Foundation shares on 9Marks.org how the Five Love Language message is worthwhile, but incomplete (see reasons below or other reviews of  Christian books on marriage ).

5LL teaches several worthwhile things: love is expressed and received in different forms (“languages”); what communicates love to one person may be entirely different for another person; married people should learn what is meaningful to their spouses; they should also take initiative in showing accurate love, and persist. But the underlying premise of 5LL is faulty. It relentlessly communicates a theory of psychological needs that must be met by a spouse (or parent), and it ascribes magic-working power to change others if you give them what they want. 5LL wholly lacks awareness of both the sin in our desires and the Christ who turns life upside down.

My recommendation: still read The Five Love Languages , but read The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller or  When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey first to lay a strong Christ-centered foundation to your marriage.

Top Quotes from The Five Love Languages :

“Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.” “Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love.” “People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.” “The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.” “In fact, true love cannot begin until the in-love experience has run its course.” “People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.”

Bonus Resources:

• 100+ Book Recommendations for Christians
• I Have Discovered the Sixth Love Language!
• The #1 Threat Men Need to Protect Their Wives From
• The Top 3 Regrets of 95-Year-Olds and How They Help Us Get a Heart of Wisdom

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July 10, 2016 at 3:39 pm

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The 5 Love Languages

30 pages • 1 hour read

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.

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Summary and Study Guide

Gary Chapman’s text on love and intimacy, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts , was first published in 1992. Over the next three decades it would go on to be translated into dozens of different languages and sell more than 20 million copies worldwide. It is the first in what might be dubbed the “love language extended universe”; other titles by Chapman include The Five Love Languages of Children and The Five Love Languages for Singles , among others. The Five Love Languages is one of the most popular books of the last 50 years to cover love and relationships. Stemming from his many years as a marriage and couples counselor, the text is based primarily in personal experience and case studies that bolster theoretical principles and suggestions. This study guide was written using the 2015 reprint edition by Northfield Publishing.

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Throughout The Five Love Languages , Chapman aims to answer a single question: “why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding?” (14). The book is divided into three major sections. The first three chapters make up the introduction, laying out fundamentals. The second section comprises the next five chapters, each of which discuss one of the five love languages in detail and use examples of real couples to illustrate practical implications of theoretical principles. The last five chapters make up the final section of the text, synthesizing the material that came before and addressing a number of obstacles that could occur within marriage. These problems could be solved (or at least softened) by employing the love languages with sincerity.

At the start, Chapman provides the working metaphor that will appear throughout the text: the emotional tank that we use to bank the love we receive from our spouse. The love languages are the means by which we fill our spouse’s emotional tank and assure them of our continued and lasting love. These languages are especially important when we move past the euphoric feelings of love that characterize the start of any romantic attachment.

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The first love language is “words of affirmation,” using our words to regularly affirm and encourage our spouse in the things they are good at or for which they need support. The second is “quality time,” wherein one feels most loved by the simple act of spending time together. While some may feel that the act of being together is not enough, one’s time is invaluable and a commodity that can never be regained.

The third love language, “receiving gifts,” is the easiest to learn fluently. All love is essentially an act of gift-giving. Sometimes the easiest way to express this is with a physical gift that can act as a tangible symbol of love. The fourth is “acts of service,” by which we demonstrate our love by accomplishing tasks that we know will assist our partner and make their life easier or more enjoyable. The final language is “physical touch,” perhaps the most universal of the languages.

The final section of the book focuses on the reader’s ability to discover their own love language and the reality that love is always a choice. Discovering one’s own primary love language is necessary to effectively and tactfully communicate needs and desires to one’s partner. When love becomes difficult, the reminder that love is a choice is of the utmost importance. We can choose to love our spouse even when they are temporarily unlovable or when we do not have the euphoric “in love” feelings.

While the book may serve as an academic work for counselors, anthropologists, or sociologists—especially in its recounting of case studies and personal anecdotes—Chapman reiterates that he wrote the book with real married people in mind. The text is meant to be a practical guide to help relationships flourish, using the five love languages to communicate love. The book concludes with a series of answers to frequently asked questions and a double questionnaire for readers to learn their own love languages.

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"I look at the love languages as a starting point for couples that point them in a direction for exploring how they can express love in a way that the other person finds meaningful. It all goes back to ways of paying attention," couples therapist and co-founder of Alchemy of Love Angela Amias tells Oprah Daily.

The concept of love languages is actually quite simple. There are five of them, each describing an expression of—you guessed it—love. The key is discovering which love language you and your partner respond to the most, then regularly putting that into practice.

Finally, keep in mind that you may be nodding your head at the description for more than one of these love languages. That's normal. Amias says people tend to express love via a primary and secondary love language—and potentially even more that may not be mentioned here. "There are more than just these love languages," Dr. Erika Evans, PhD, LMFT tells Oprah Daily. "These are just the five overarching themes that came out of Chapman's particular research."

Keep that in mind as you get acquainted with Chapman's method.

What are the Five Love Languages?

Words of Affirmation

These are verbal expressions of care and affection. Think: "Thanks for putting the kids to bed" or "You looked really nice today." Typically, the less generic and more specific the words, the more meaningful they feel to the recipient. Conversely, insults can be particularly upsetting to people who favor words of affirmation.

Tangible and intangible items that make you feel appreciated or noticed. Going to your partner's concert, for example, is as much a gift as flowers or that new wine decanter they want. To individuals who favor this love language, the absence of everyday gestures or a missed special occasion are particularly hurtful.

Acts of Service

Doing something helpful or kind for your partner. Think: Waking up with the baby in the middle of the night or doing the dishes so your partner can relax. For someone who favors acts of service, ambivalence or a lack of support are more damaging than anything else.

Quality Time

Quality time is a part of every relationship—but people who experience this as a love language will feel the benefits more keenly, and crave time where both people are present without distraction. Quality time constitutes engaging in an activity together, particularly one you both enjoy, like a walk after dinner or watching TV with a platter of nachos . If this is your love language, having a distracted or distant partner that makes you feel unseen or unheard is the biggest pitfall.

Physical Touch

Physical expressions of love, whether sexual or more platonic, such as holding hands, a back scratch, a hug, a kiss, or intercourse . The absence of such can leave these individuals feeling isolated in a relationship.

Identify your love language:

"Knowing your love language can be one of the single most important things in a relationship," says Robin R. Milhausen, PhD, Associate Chair, Department of Family Relations and Applied Nutrition at the University of Guelph. "Without this knowledge you can miss that your partner is being loving and caring." Unfortunately, this can result in a vicious cycle of resentment that can ultimately lead to divorce or a breakup .

If you really care and respect your partner, take the time to acquaint yourself with your love language and theirs, says Milhausen. With this knowledge, you'll be better equipped to meet your partner's emotional needs.

Start by thinking about how you like to give and receive love, says Milhausen. Ask yourself: When I want to show affection, how do I do it? Do you cook a really nice meal? Or maybe you send an appreciative text or buy concert tickets. Often, the way you express love can provide clues about what kind of love you most appreciate, says Milhausen.

Next, think about what makes you feel most loved and cared for. Do you feel closest to your partner when they do something helpful, or do you crave physical touch? Dig deep by thinking back to all your past relationships—both romantic and otherwise, says Milhausen.

You can also take this 10- to 15-minute quiz to help pinpoint your primary love language. And, once you do, communicate your results to your partner to help them better understand what makes you feel appreciated.

Practice each love language:

While it's important to know your love language, equally important is knowing your partner's. "The way most of us express love is our own love language, which leads to relationship problems. When you understand your partner's love language, your expressions of love don't get lost in translation," Amias says.

Below, find tips for making your love known to someone with a different primary love language than yours.

• Words of Affirmation : "Pay attention to the thoughts you have about the person and work on vocalizing them," Amias says. Essentially, leave a paper trail of your love through hand-written notes, spontaneous texts, and meaningful, specific compliments.
• Physical Touch: Look for opportunities to physically connect with your loved one, whether that's a hug as you're crossing paths in the morning, or a squeeze on the knee underneath a table during a dinner out with friends.
• Quality Time: Work on being fully present with your partner. Amias says that the "biggest barrier" to quality time is the use of cell phones. "People whose love language is quality time will feel hurt if the partner is always checking their phone or half-listening while doing other things," Amias says. Other tips include starting a shared passion or hobby together, or making long walks a staple in the routine.
• Acts of Service: Step one? Get into the mindset of wanting to show your partner love non-verbally. That will help reframe tasks that seem like chores, like carpooling and doing the dishes, into expressions of love.
• Gift Giving: What to get the expert gift giver? Amias recommends starting small. "These gifts don't have to be extravagant. They're little representations of feelings, and show how much you know your partner and how you pay attention to what they like," she says. Another alternative? You can't go wrong with the usual flowers and chocolate.

Grow beyond this "starting place":

Chapman's 30-year-old system is not the be-all, end-all when it comes to relationship. Amias cautions against relying on the love languages to entirely guide your relationship, "It can become too transactional," Amias says. For example, you shouldn't be thinking "If my love language is quality time and your love language is acts of service, if you spent 30 minutes talking to me then I will rake the leaves."

Exchanges like this shift the focus away from what should be at the core of the relationship: Presence and connection. Instead of becoming myopically focused on speaking your partner's love language (and having them speak yours), think of the love languages as a starting point for tending to your relationship with a sense of generosity and goodwill.

Brigitt is a writer, editor and craft stylist with nearly 15 years of experience. She specializes in lifestyle topics, including home, health, parenting, beauty, style, food, entertaining, travel and weddings. She has written for Glamour, People, Good Housekeeping, Women's Health, Real Simple, Martha Stewart, Apartment Therapy, The Spruce, and more.

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Why have they endured as a self-help phenomenon?

By Melissa Kirsch

The pastor Gary Chapman created the concept of “love languages” 30 years ago. In his hugely popular book, “The 5 Love Languages,” he proposed that the ways people prefer to have love communicated to them fall into five categories, or “languages”: acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts and physical touch.

If my love language is “words of affirmation” and yours is “receiving gifts,” you may assume that giving me a thoughtful present will demonstrate how much you care, while in reality, I’d prefer that you write me a letter telling me as much. If we learn one another’s love languages we will theoretically be able to more effectively communicate with our partners (or children or bosses or friends).

I searched my Twitter feed recently for instances of people discussing their love languages. The concept had morphed into a meme, a new and mostly jokey way for people to talk about the idiosyncratic ways they like to give and receive love. In July 2020, the writer Michelle Markowitz tweeted, “My love language is taking myself off mute to be the one person who laughs when someone makes a joke that bombs.” The comedian and actor Jaboukie Young-White declared, “My love language is blackhead removal.” The actress and comedian Jean Villepique asked, “What if your family’s love language is Vera Bradley patterns?”

As Chapman told The Times recently , he doesn’t think this meme in which people declare their hyper-specific love languages has yet resulted in the discovery of new ones. “To him, the memes all sound like ‘dialects’ — or versions — of the original five,” wrote my colleague Alisha Haridasani Gupta.

Among my friends, a skeptical bunch if ever there was, there’s a certain reverence reserved for the love languages. Are they corny, reductive and heteronormative? Perhaps. But once we move past the caveats, our discussion of the languages are usually about how helpful they can be in framing communication issues in our relationships.

Why do the love languages continue to appeal even to people who might otherwise look askance at a personality quiz? I think the language of the love languages themselves has a lot to do with it.

Chapman articulated five discrete methods of giving and receiving love, a simple organizing framework for needs and desires that often feel irretrievably complicated. Without precluding talk therapy or courage journaling or other more time-consuming efforts to tease out why we are the way we are, the love languages offer a quick way in. Take the quiz, discover your love language, get busy improving your relationships. It’s attractively efficient and action-oriented.

The love languages get at a fundamental premise of self-help teachings — that we all want to be loved, to feel connection to one another. Or, as my colleague Ruth Graham wrote in Slate in 2015, begrudgingly admitting that Chapman’s theories might hold some water, “When it comes to loving and being loved, even the most jaded and worldly often feel deep insecurity.” She added, “If we can find some comfort and direction in a mega-best-seller with a tacky cover, so be it.”

Acts of service and words of affirmation at work: “ Why Your Boss Wants to Know Your Love Language .”

In a time of war, “WhatsApp intimacy” became the sixth love languag e for Layla Kinjawi Faraj, the winner of our Modern Love college essay contest.

“Sometimes I feel as if, these days, for women, the love language should be getting whatever you want,” Lisa Taddeo wrote for Times Opinion.

In 2011, Bruce Feiler attended “ The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted ,” a conference hosted by Gary Chapman.

“ Love Language ,” by Ariana Grande.

THE WEEK IN CULTURE

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A famous portrait of Winston Churchill disappeared from a Canadian hotel , where staffers realized someone had swapped in a fake.

The Museum of the Bible returned a centuries-old handwritten gospel to the Greek Orthodox Church after determining it had been looted from a monastery in 1917.

A Texas church apologized for changing the lyrics in unauthorized productions of “Hamilton” to reflect Christian themes.

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Jerome Powell, the Fed chair, said it must continue to raise interest rates to bring inflation back under control.

Moderna sued Pfizer , accusing it of copying vaccine technology.

CULTURE CALENDAR

By Gilbert Cruz

📺 “Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power” (Thursday): It is a time of plenty for fantasy fans. On the heels of a “Game of Thrones” prequel series comes another prequel, this one from Amazon. Set thousands of years before the events of “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy and “The Hobbit,” the show will trace, among other things, the forging of those titular rings as well as the rise of Sauron. (I’m hopeful he’s not just a giant flaming eye walking around for the whole season.) Prime Video will debut the first two episodes just in time for the Labor Day holiday weekend.

📚 “Afterlives” (Out now): Abdulrazak Gurnah, a British author born in what was then Zanzibar, won the 2021 Nobel Prize in Literature. The last time a Black writer had received the honor was in 1993. (That was the great Toni Morrison.) So Gurnah’s latest novel, set in German East Africa at the start of the 20th century, arrives in the U.S. with great fanfare. In her review of “Afterlives,” the novelist Imbolo Mbue wrote that Gurnah is “a novelist nonpareil, a master of the art form who understands human failings in conflicts both political and intimate.”

RECIPE OF THE WEEK

By Melissa Clark

Tomato and Watermelon Salad

“Summer is a cooking season in which there is no set menu save what looks good at the store.” So wrote Sam Sifton some years ago. These are words to live by, especially right now in these last days of August. And I stand by his recipe suggestion for this moment: a juicy tomato and watermelon salad salted with feta, enriched with olive oil, sharpened with sherry vinegar. That’s practically the recipe right there, though the cooking notes give loads of suggestions for add-ins, including torn mint or basil, fresh corn kernels cut off the cob, cucumbers, avocado — though not necessarily all at once. I also like to serve this with grilled shrimp plopped right in the bowl. So many options, so few days of summer left …

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What Are the 5 Love Languages?

• Your Language
• Your Partner's Language

Frequently Asked Questions

The concept of five main categories of giving and receiving love comes from author, speaker, and counselor Gary Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages . Based on his years of clinical practice, Chapman suggests that a person experiences love in five distinct ways—through words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving and receiving, acts of service, and physical touch—and although they all have merit, everyone has a primary love language.

Chapman suggests that what makes one person feel valued and loved does not necessarily work for another. The book urges partners to learn each other's love language and use it to meet the other's emotional needs. Understanding their partner's preferred love language can help couples manage their differences and cope with conflict.

Read on to learn how to determine your love language and how it may help your relationship.

demaerre / Getty Images

The Research

The love languages model was derived from clinical observations made by Chapman rather than empirical evidence (gained through observation and experimentation). While the book has sold millions of copies worldwide and is being incorporated into therapy by some counselors, formal study on Chapman’s love languages is limited.

However, there is some research on the subject. One study that looked at over 980 individuals in relationships found that people who believed their partners were correctly using their primary love language felt more love for their partner. Even partners who were attempting to show affection in the way their partner needed made their partner feel happier in the relationship.

Another study found that couples who follow Chapman’s advice of catering to their partner's love language display relationship maintenance behaviors, leading to more relationship satisfaction.

These findings, in their basic form, show that partners who listen to and understand the needs of their partner will have a healthier relationship.

When Love Languages Don't Match

Partners don't need to have the same primary love language. When partners have different primary love languages, relationship satisfaction may depend more on the ability to self-regulate behaviors for a partner’s needs than anything else.

Limitations

Research on the five love languages also has several limitations. Most of the research has been conducted on heterosexual couples. One study that included same-sex couples found that results were consistent regardless of sexual orientation, but more studies are needed.

While the five love languages seem to be adaptable to different cultures, the research has found that culture does influence both how the method is implemented and the results of the studies. Because many of the studies were narrow in their participant pools, the results may not translate well to other populations.

While all five love languages have value and people may identify with more than one love language, Chapman proposes that everyone has a primary one. Understanding your partner's top or primary love language is the first step in meeting their needs.

Quality Time

People whose love language is quality time appreciate:

• Uninterrupted time spent together
• Their partner's undivided attention (e.g., not checking their phone)
• Not just the amount of time spent together, but the quality of it, including eye contact, being present and focused on each other, sharing feelings and thoughts, and being welcoming and personal with each other
• Engaging in activities that allow them to enjoy each other's company

Physical Touch

People whose love language is physical touch don't necessarily require sexual intimacy . They also appreciate:

• Affectionate touching, such as holding hands, hugs, arms placed around them, or gentle touches to their face or body
• Physical closeness that allows them to feel connected to their partner and safe

Remember that even if your partner's love language is physical touch, they may not always want to be touched or touched in certain ways.

If your love language is physical touch, it isn't OK to pressure your partner into engaging in physical activities they aren't comfortable with. Consent is always needed.

Words of Affirmation

Someone whose love language is words of affirmation may appreciate:

• Kind words of praise or appreciation
• Texts or emails that let them know their partner is thinking of them and cares for them
• Compliments
• Interest in what they are saying or doing or the things they value
• Acknowledgment of their accomplishments
• Encouragement
• Hearing more positive words than negative ones

People with this love language are more negatively affected by unkind words or harsh criticisms.

Acts of Service 

People whose primary love language is acts of service value:

• Their partner helping them out
• When their partner takes the pressure off them by taking on one of their responsibilities, especially ones they do not enjoy
• Their partner following through on commitments and doing things instead of just talking about doing them
• Actions from their partner that make their lives a little easier or ease their workload
• Their partner doing helpful things without needing to be asked or reminded

Receiving Gifts

Those who identify gift-giving and receiving as their primary love language value the thought behind the gift more than the material item. A simple, inexpensive, but thoughtful item means more to them than a generic luxury item. They appreciate:

• Unexpected gifts that let them know their partner was thinking about them, such as bringing them coffee or flowers
• When their partner surprises them with a gift for no reason
• A gift that their partner put a lot of thought into
• Gifts that show their partner really "gets them"

Examples of the 5 Love Languages

• Quality time : Pete gives Suraj his full attention while Suraj tells him about his day. Pete's phone buzzes, but he doesn't pick it up or look at it.
• Physical touch : Maria and John are watching a movie. John pulls Maria close to him for a cuddle.
• Words of affirmation : While finishing up a meal that Pat made, Chris says, "This was delicious. I really appreciate everything you do for our family, including making this lovely meal."
• Acts of service : When Aiko goes to empty the dishwasher, they find that Omari has beat them to it, even though it was their turn.
• Receiving gifts : Carlos had a terrible day. When Maryam comes home after work, she gives Carlos a magazine he loves and his favorite kind of candy bar, which she picked up during her lunch hour to cheer him up.

Both partners and the relationship as a whole can benefit from using the five love languages.

Chapman argues that partners feel more fulfilled, secure, and recognized when they try to use each other's love languages. This allows them to explore their interests more and work on personal development. Rather than losing their individuality, they become more intimate with each other while helping their partner reach their potential.

When someone shows love using their love language, it may not be noticed or appreciated as much by their partner. Showing love using their partner's love language is more likely to have a positive effect.

Other benefits can include:

• Helping improve empathy and selflessness
• Encouraging partners to be more meaningful with their actions
• Strengthening the relationship
• Increasing self-awareness and encouraging personal growth

How to Determine Your Love Language 

Chapman offers a quiz on his website, in addition to measures provided in his book. You can look at the profiles of each love language to see which one most resonates.

Chapman also suggests asking yourself the following questions:

• What are things your partner does or doesn't do that deeply hurt you?
• What have you asked your partner to do more/most often?
• How do you typically express love to your partner?
• What would you look for in an ideal partner?

Take the Quiz

Try Chapman's quiz to determine your primary love language . You can also look into his other quizzes on apology language, appreciation language, and anger assessment.

How to Determine Your Partner’s Love Language 

Ideally, both partners will read the book, take the quiz, and learn about their love languages together.

If this isn't possible, Chapman suggests asking yourself:

• How does your partner most often express love to others?
• What does your partner complain about most often?
• What does your partner request most often?

Chapman also proposes a five-week experiment, that includes the following:

• Each week, choose one of the love languages and use it every weekday—Monday to Friday—while observing your partner's response.
• Relax on Saturday and Sunday.
• Repeat until you have covered all five love languages.

Did you notice more positive responses during any of the weeks? If so, Chapman says that's likely their primary love language.

Limitations of the 5 Love Languages Model

There are important limitations to the love languages model that need to be considered, including:

• Chapman's theory is directed toward heterosexual spouses. The nature and language is heteronormative , and gender stereotypes are sometimes used. Relationships with more than two partners are also not considered.
• Love languages may not be enough to address relationship problems. More counseling may be needed, potentially using the love languages as a tool.
• The model may be too simplistic and broad, lacking nuance and not adequately addressing things like trauma , attachment style , or other major influences.
• It has the potential to be misused, such as a person demanding their partner engage in behaviors or activities they are not comfortable with in order to "prove their love," or making the other person feel guilty for not doing so.
• The love languages are based on American norms that don't always translate to other cultures. For example, in some cultures, gift giving can be viewed as "buying affection," and public displays of affection are taboo in some cultures.

In 1992, Gary Chapman published The 5 Love Languages , a guide to determining how to give and receive love based on each partner's preferred expressions of love. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

While there is not a lot of research on the effectiveness of using Chapman's love language model, studies suggest understanding your partner's primary love language leads to happier relationships.

There are limitations to the model, including heteronormativity , cultural bias, and simplicity. The five love languages should be viewed as a tool to strengthen relationships more than as a sole resource.

A Word From Verywell 

If you and your partner are having trouble connecting, it may be that you each express love in different ways. Learning what makes your partner feel loved and appreciated, and teaching them how to do the same for you, may help bring you closer together.

There is not an official sixth love language, but people sometimes suggest additional ones, including humor or personal space. None of these are included in Chapman's theory.

The five love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving and giving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch) can also be applied to children. They can be used to strengthen parent-child relationships. Chapman has a book on how to use the five love languages with children.

Bland AM, McQueen KS. The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: an exploratory cluster analysis . Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice . 2018;7(2):103-126. doi:10.1037/cfp0000102

Hughes JL, Camden AA. Using chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction . PsiChiJournal . 2020;25(3):234-244. doi:10.24839/2325-7342.JN25.3.234

Surijah EA, Prasetyaningsih NMM, Supriyadi S. Popular psychology versus scientific evidence: love languages’ factor structure and connection to marital satisfaction . Psympathic : Jurnal Ilmiah Psikologi . 2021;7(2):155-168. doi:10.15575/psy.v7i2.6634

Cook M, Pasley J, Pellarin E, Medow K, Baltz M, Buhman-Wiggs A. Construct validation of the five love languages .  Journal of Psychological Inquiry . 2013;(2):50-61. doi:10.24123/aipj.v31i2.565

Egbert N, Polk D. Speaking the language of relational maintenance: a validity test of chapman’s () five love languages .  Communication Research Reports . 2006;23(1):19-26. doi:10.1080/17464090500535822

Bunt S, Hazelwood ZJ. Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self-regulation, and relationship satisfaction: Love languages, self-regulation, and satisfaction .  Pers Relationship . 2017;24(2):280-290. doi:10.1111/pere.12182

The Family Centre. 5 different ways to show love and improve your relationship .

U.S. Department of Health and Human Service. Applying The 5 Love Languages™ to healthy relationships .

University of Arizona. The psychology behind the 5 love languages .

5 Love Languages. Frequently asked questions .

Surijah EA, Kirana CT. Five love languages scale factor analysis . Makara Hubs-Asia . 2020;24(1):56. doi:10.7454/hubs.asia.2201118

By Heather Jones Jones is a freelance writer with a strong focus on health, parenting, disability, and feminism.

• Relationships

What Are the 5 Love Languages? Definition and Examples

How do you receive love gary chapman's love languages can help you find out..

Posted September 28, 2020 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma

• Why Relationships Matter
• Find a therapist to strengthen relationships
• The concept of "love languages" shows couples how to give each other love in ways that it is best received.
• An example of the "words of affirmation" love language might be when one partner compliments or thanks the other.
• Those who prefer the "quality time" love language might enjoy taking trips or having deep conversations with their partner.

According to author Gary Chapman, there are five love languages. Our "love language" describes how we receive love from others. They are:

Words of Affirmation - Saying supportive things to your partner

Acts of Service - Doing helpful things for your partner

Receiving Gifts - Giving your partner gifts that tell them you were thinking about them

Quality Time - Spending meaningful time with your partner

Physical Touch - Being close to and caressed by your partner

Each of us differs in the ways that we receive love. By learning to give love in the ways that our partner can best receive it, and by asking our partner to give us love in the ways that we can receive it, we can create stronger relationships.

Learn more about each of the love languages

Want to find out which love languages you speak (or speak to you)?

Love language 1: Words of affirmation

Ask yourself, how do you feel when you hear your partner offer encouraging, positive, and affirming words, and compliments?

Examples: Your partner congratulates you, tells you "great job!", tells you that you look attractive, or thanks you for something?

If these things make you feel the most loved and happy, words of affirmation may be your primary love language.

Love language 2: Acts of service

Ask yourself, how do you feel when your partner helps you with tasks that reduce your burden or ease your stress ?

Examples: Your partner does a chore for you, runs an errand for you, or takes care of something without having to be asked?

If these things make you feel the most loved and happier, acts of service may be your primary love language.

Love language 3: Receiving gifts

Ask yourself, how do you feel when your partner gets you thoughtful or extravagant gifts?

Examples: You get a gift or a small treat from your partner that tells you he/she was thinking about you.

If these things make you feel the most loved and happy, receiving gifts may be your primary love language.

Love language 4: Quality time

Ask yourself, how do you feel when your partner gives you their undivided attention and you engage in meaningful conversation or activities?

Examples: You and your partner have a date night, go on a trip together, or have a deep conversation?

If these things make you feel the most loved and happy, quality time may be your primary love language.

Love language 5: Physical touch

Ask yourself, how do you feel when your partner shows you affection through touch?

Examples: You and your partner hold hands, kiss, hug, or sit/lay close together.

If these things make you feel the most loved and happy, physical touch may be your primary love language.

How to use love languages in your relationship

If we want to build healthy relationships, we have to work at it. We have to tell our partner what makes us feel loved and we need to show our partner love in the ways that they want to receive it. That's how we can use love languages to improve the quality of our relationships.

Created with content from The Berkeley Well-Being Institute .

Tchiki Davis, Ph.D. , is a consultant, writer, and expert on well-being technology.

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What Are the Five Love Languages?

Knowing your partner's love language could strengthen your relationship

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• The 5 Love Languages
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Love Languages in Everyday Life

Frequently asked questions.

The five love languages describe five ways that people receive and express love in a relationship. These are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.

Knowing your partner's love language and letting them know yours is a way to help you both feel loved and appreciated. Author and pastor Gary Chapman describes how to use these love languages to show your partner you care for them in a way that speaks to their heart.

The Five Love Languages

Chapman's book "The 5 Love Languages" was first published in 1992. Before writing the book, Chapman began to notice patterns in couples he was counseling. He realized that the couples were misunderstanding each other's needs.

That led him to come up with five love languages, or ways that people in relationships express love. They are:

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Physical touch
• Acts of service
• Receiving gifts

Words of Affirmation

"Words of affirmation" is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone's primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement, uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You can make this person's day by complimenting them or pointing out what they do well.

Quality Time

Someone with this love language values your full presence when you are together. They feel most loved if you give them your undivided attention and spend time together in meaningful and interactive ways. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the computer, making eye contact, thoughtfully interacting, and  actively listening .

People with this love language are looking for quality over quantity.

Physical Touch

A person with physical touch as their primary love language feels love through physical affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved when their partner holds their hand, touches their arm, or gives them a massage at the end of the day, for example.

This person's idea of a wonderful date night might be cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, slow dancing together with a lot of physical contact, or taking a long walk together while holding hands. They feel most loved when physically interacting with their partner.

Acts of Service

Acts of service are nice things you do for your partner that make them feel loved and appreciated, such as:

• Helping with the dishes
• Running errands
• Putting gas in the car

If your partner's main love language is acts of service, they'll notice and appreciate little things you do for them. They tend to perform acts of service and kindness for others, too.

Receiving Gifts

For someone who resonates with this love language, gifts symbolize love, care, and affection. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into selecting it.

People who enjoy receiving gifts as part of their primary love language do not necessarily expect large or expensive presents; it's more the effort and thoughtfulness behind the gift that count.

When you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it tells them you are thoughtful and really know and care about them and their preferences. People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them.

Are There Other Love Languages?

According to Chapman's framework, the original five love languages have stayed the same, but that doesn't mean there aren't other ways to express and receive love.

This is just one framework, and there have been several proposed additions over the years. For example, ideas like shared experiences and emotional security. The more we think about ourselves and what fills our relationship tank, the more ways we have to help our partner love us in the way we most want to be loved.

How to Identify Your Love Language

In a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:

• Tells you, "I love you," or praises something you did?
• Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
• Plans a trip for just the two of you?
• Runs the errands or does the laundry?
• Holds your hand while you're walking?

Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be. You could also try to recall the sorts of things you ask for in a relationship or consider how you express love to your partner.

Your partner's love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language (and you, theirs), they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.

Take our fast, free quiz to find out your love language:

This love languages quiz was reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD.

How Love Languages Benefit Relationships

We all express and receive love differently. Learning and understanding those differences can have a meaningful impact on your relationship. According to Chapman, this is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships. Here are some other ways learning your respective love languages could be beneficial.

Love Languages Promote Selflessness

When you are committed to learning someone else's love language, you are  focused on their needs rather than your own. This is the central premise of Chapman's theory. Couples should make an effort to learn and respond to their partner's love language rather than trying to convince their partner to change to their own. Ideally, both people will want to express and share love in a way that is meaningful to the other..

The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.

Love Languages Create Empathy

As you learn more about how your partner experiences love, you learn to empathize with them. It helps you step outside of yourself for a moment and take a look at what makes another person feel significant and loved.

When couples are committed to learning and using the love languages, they increase their emotional intelligence and learn how to put someone else's needs above their own. Instead of speaking their own love language to their partner, they learn how to speak in a language that their partner understands.

Love Languages Help Maintain Intimacy

Regularly talking about what keeps your love tanks full can build more understanding—and ultimately,  intimacy —in your relationship. You'll not only learn more about one another, but you'll also connect in more meaningful and significant ways. When this happens, your relationship deepens in intimacy.

A 2016 review published in the Global Journal of Health Science concluded that improving communication skills can aid intimacy in a marriage.

Love Languages Aid Personal Growth

Focusing on something or someone outside of yourself can lead to personal growth. Loving your partner in ways that are outside your comfort zone can inspire and motivate you to grow and change , and to look at ways of thinking and being beyond yourself.

Love Languages Help You Share Love in Meaningful Ways

When couples start speaking one another's love language, the things they do for each other become more intentional and meaningful. They are saying "I love you" in ways that make sense to their partners, who then receive that love and feel more noticed, content, and appreciated.

According to Chapman, love languages also apply to relationships between parents and children, among coworkers, and among friends. For example, if your child's primary love language is words of affirmation, they'd like to hear verbal praise or, "I love you." It's highly individual: A coworker might feel more appreciated if you use one love language instead of another.

Your love language can also change occasionally. For instance, if you had a bad day at work, you might prefer a hug from your partner rather than an encouraging word.

The key is to regularly communicate and ask  what your partner needs to feel cherished , heard, appreciated, and loved. Once you have checked in, you can take the information learned and put it into practice.

Criticisms of the Love Language Theory

Though learning the love languages helps many people communicate better with their partners, there are limitations to the theory and how people apply it to their relationships.

Many People Misuse the Languages

Some people get a bit competitive about using love languages, which can actually strain a relationship. For example, you might start keeping track of all the times you use your partner's love language and compare it to how many times your partner used yours.

The love languages are intended to give you more awareness and options when it comes to giving and receiving intimacy, not to be used for control, punishment, or manipulation.

Love languages can be a way to open up communication and compassion, but you shouldn't use them as games or weapons against your partner. Some people continue to use their own language (instead of their partner's) to show they care—and that's OK.

You can be in a relationship with someone who doesn't share your love language. Try to be understanding and open. You can recognize and appreciate your partner’s actions even if they don’t match your own language perfectly.

They Don't Fix Other Relationship Problems

The five love languages won't fix all of your relationship issues ; they are simply one tool of many you can use to improve communication with your partner.

Research shows that couples who use each other's love languages feel the happiest within their relationships when they also use self-regulation tools to handle their own emotions. While the love languages were a tool, the couples' accountability for their emotions and behavioral changes contributed the most to their overall happiness.

Your love language can change, too. It's important to accept and expect that love languages can change over time, especially given life stressors or major changes such as having children.

They May Lead to Pressure on Partners

Many people talk about love languages in the context of committed relationships or marriage. Remember that learning and understanding your own love language is an important tool for you to practice self-love.

You want to avoid putting too much pressure on your partner to consistently express your love language to you.

One study found that the biggest obstacle for couples who were using each other's love languages was that the recipient often didn't recognize that their partner was trying to use their love language.

It's important for the giver to communicate and for the recipient to recognize and show appreciation for their partner's efforts, even if they don't exactly meet expectations. This positive feedback will allow learning to happen and changes to continue instead of shaming which leads to shutdown

They Perpetuate Heteronormativity

Chapman’s original model focuses on heterosexual couples even though the theory can apply to any partnership regardless of their sexual orientation. If you're reading "The 5 Love Languages" and you aren't in a heterosexual relationship or you aren't heteronormative, it might feel frustrating to be excluded from the text.

What is heteronormativity?

Heteronormativity is the assumption that all people are straight and that romantic and sexual relationships are always between one man and one woman. It assumes that heterosexuality is the default sexual orientation and that it's the only normal or natural way to express sexuality and attraction.

Keep in Mind

Once you and your partner know each other's love language, you both can benefit. Speaking your partner's love language can take a bit of effort and intention, though, especially if it is different from yours. Remember, healthy relationships aren't born; they're developed through attention and effort.

The good news is that you can enhance your relationship by learning your partner's love languages and putting them into practice. And, if you both are committed to loving one another in the ways that speak to both of you, you will find yourself not only deeper in love, but also in a more meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

In 1997, Gary Chapman wrote a book with Ross Campbell, MD, about how the five love languages can apply to children as well. In it, he describes methods of observing which love language your child may resonate with. There is also a quiz that a parent can take on behalf of their child. It is available on the Five Love Languages website .

The easiest way to determine your partner's love language is to have them take the quiz. You could also consider what they ask for or do most in a relationship. Do they frequently bring you thoughtful gifts? Or tell you they love you? This could be a hint as to what their love language might be.

Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S. A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals . Glob J Health Sci . 2016;8(8):74-93. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74

5 Love Languages. Frequently asked questions .

Hughes JL, Camden AA. Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction . PsiChiJournal. 2020;25(3):234-244. doi:10.24839/2325-7342.jn25.3.234

Bunt S, Hazelwood ZJ. Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self-regulation, and relationship satisfaction . Pers Relationship. 2017;24(2):280-290. doi:10.1111/pere.12182

Campbell R, Chapman G. The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively . Moody Publishers.

Chapman G. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts . Moody Publishers.

By Sherri Gordon Sherri Gordon, CLC is a published author, certified professional life coach, and bullying prevention expert. She's also the former editor of Columbus Parent and has countless years of experience writing and researching health and social issues.

The 5 Love Languages Explained

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You don't need relationship experience to know that everybody loves differently. How we love has everything to do with who we are as individuals and the experiences we've had. Realizing this difference could result in communication problems — or successes! Marriage counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D. created the concept of the five love languages, and relationships have been better for it ever since.

According to Chapman's 1992 book, " The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts ," everyone has a love language, and knowing our own as well as the languages of those around us can make for greater relationship satisfaction through better communication. "After many years of counseling couples in crisis and taking notes during each session, I sat down one day and began thinking about what it takes for a person to feel loved," Chapman told  HuffPost . "It became apparent to me that what makes one person feel loved isn't always the same for their spouse or partner. I discovered every person understands and receives love in a specific language, one of five to be precise."

It's important to understand that, although everyone has a primary love language that they tend to "speak," many of us have bits and pieces of the other love languages in us as well. Also, while Chapman's original concept had only five love languages, three new love languages have been added to account for changing needs in relationships and communication. Not sure what yours is? No worries, we got you. 

Read more: A Crash Course On Dirty Talk (Because We're Awkward Too)

Words Of Affirmation

If someone's love language is words of affirmation, it doesn't mean that they need to be told that they're loved all day long. It goes beyond that — although for these people, "I love you" will never get old — and should convey appreciation, encouragement, and a whole slew of other positive feelings too. 

"One way to define [words of affirmation] would be words of appreciation or words of praise," licensed professional psychologist Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D. told  Prevention . "Think about how to give somebody words of affirmation that are about their being ... that have to do with the personal qualities that this person brings: how generous they are, how kind they are, how smart they are, how flexible they are, how gentle, kind, or compassionate they are." Then say those words out loud to them or, if you want to put in more effort, write it down.

In practice, words of affirmation can look like sending a thoughtful, supportive text message to your partner just because, or reminding them on a cute post-it how much they matter and how you value everything they do. It's about making them feel revered and doing so honestly and authentically.

Quality Time

For people whose love language is quality time, they feel most loved when they're getting 100% of their partner's attention. What this means is that spending time together while watching Netflix or while you both doom-scroll on Instagram doesn't count. The only way to successfully speak the language of quality time is to be completely engaged, focused, and free from any and all distractions. You want to actively listen to your partner when they talk and thoughtfully respond. It's about being present, open, and vulnerable. The best way to do this for them is to actually make time for it, as opposed to just leaving it up to chance.

According to a March 2023 YouGov poll , the most common love language, at 30%, is quality time. In other words, even if it's not your love language or that of your partner, there's a very good chance that you're going to meet someone who has it. So you might want to start mastering those skills now. 

Acts Of Service

Acts of service are all about giving a helping hand and, ideally, doing it for your partner before they ask. "This love language is for people who believe that actions speak louder than words," couples' psychotherapist Fariha Mahmud-Syed, MFT, CFLE told  Mind Body Green . "Unlike those who prefer to hear how much they're cared for, people on this list like to be shown how they're appreciated."

If your partner's love language is acts of service, then it's up to you to really pay attention so you can do what it takes to make things smoother in their life. It's about listening to them and staying ahead of their concerns so they know they're not just loved, but their needs are recognized. If they have a deadline at work that they're stressed about, or not enough hours in the day to do everything they need to do, stepping up to the plate to help out is exactly how they're going to feel most loved. It involves reading between the lines and noticing where you can lighten the load. 

Receiving Gifts

Sometimes people tend to think that gift-giving as a love language is materialistic and maybe even greedy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. For those whose love language is receiving gifts, they don't need extravagance to feel loved. For them, it's genuinely the thought that truly counts.

"If one's love language is gift giving, it simply means that one received early in life the clear communication that giving a gift is an important, acceptable, and/or clear way to show others how you feel about them and that you love and appreciate them," licensed clinical psychologist Juanita Guerra, Ph.D. told  Women's Health . Even something minute, but tangible and thoughtful can really go a long way for these people. What's also great about gift receivers is that, in turn, they love to give gifts to show their affection and appreciation. And because they put a lot of thought into what they're giving, they always give the best gifts too.

Physical Touch

While someone whose love language is physical touch isn't necessarily ruling out sexual activity, their needs regarding communicating love are more about hugging, kissing, holding hands, and just being physically close. "Physical touch, specifically cuddling, releases oxytocin, the feel-good hormone that makes you feel like nothing can hurt you," behavioral scientist and relationship coach, Clarissa Silva told  Verywell Mind . "In addition to the bonding [cuddling] creates between the couple, it also helps boost your immune system." These are the people who have had a taste of oxytocin, became hooked, and want more — or all of it, to be exact.

While knowing your loved ones' love language can be beneficial, there can also be a learning curve. If your love language is receiving gifts and your partner's is quality time, you both might have your work cut out for you in the beginning, but it's work that will be worth it. "When we know how we experience love and also understand the ways that our partner experiences love, it helps us create a meaningful, healthy, authentic connection," licensed clinical psychologist Avigail Lev, Psy.D. told  Forbes . Granted, that doesn't guarantee relationship perfection, but it does get people one step closer to it. 

Read the original article on Women .

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'5 Love Languages' author on why his book is still relevant, and hugely popular, 30 years later

Gary Chapman says he and his wife had "a lot of struggles" at the beginning of their marriage.

Chapman is the author of "The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate."

The book, published in 1992, was the top-seller in 2019 for it's category, Love and Relationships. On TikTok the hashtag #lovelanguage has 2 billion views.

"The 5 Love Languages" describes five ways a person expresses or experiences love:

• acts of service
• physical touch
• quality time
• receiving gifts
• words of affirmation

Typically, a person speaks the love language they most like to hear. Chapman's is "words of affirmation," something he offered endlessly to his new wife, he said. 

"I told [my wife] how nice she looked and how much I appreciated how much she did," he said. "I would tell her all day, 'I love you. I love you. I love you,'" he told CNBC Make It.

But his wife's love language is "acts of service."  

"One night she said to me, 'You keep saying, "I love you." Well, if you love me why don't you help me?'" he said. 

So, he started helping.

"I do the dishes, I take out the trash, I vacuum the floors, and she tells me I'm the greatest husband in the world," he said, "and I know it's hyperbole but it still feels good."

"Before that she wasn't giving me any words of affirmation, probably because she didn't think I deserved any," he said. 

What's your love language?

Chapman says the problems he and his wife faced are common, which is why 30 years after its initial publication, his book is still conversation fodder. 

"What's your love language?" has become a recurrent question on dates and at happy hours and is used as a code for how to improve romantic, familial and friend relationships. 

Chapman, a Southern Baptist pastor, says he came up with the love languages after decades of ferrying couples through hardships at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, where he and his wife live. 

He says marriage counseling was something he was "pushed into'' after becoming a pastor. 

"Over and over, couples were sitting in my office, and one would say, 'I feel like you don't love me,' and the other would say, 'I don't get that,'" he said.

"I know people could be sincere and still missing the other person."

For example, a wife who doesn't care for a gift from her husband may not be shunning his affection but rather not recognizing it at all because her love language is, say, quality time or physical touch, he says.  

'The roots are hugely problematic' 

Despite the book's success, Chapman's beliefs and expertise have come into question over the years.

For one, his doctorate is in adult education — not psychotherapy.

And Chapman has expressed heteronormative beliefs and works solely with heterosexual couples. When asked about same-sex couples, he said, "I don't deal with all that, but, yes, in any relationships if you understand this concept it will enhance the relationship." 

Intentionally or not, though, he's created a tool that's gender-neutral.

It's also approved by many therapists, though some have reservations.

Lisa Bobby, a psychologist and the clinical director of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver, says a lot of relationship advice is more inclusive now than when Chapman published his book.

"I think what has evolved since then is more understanding of attachment style and more understanding and appreciation for family and origin and cultures," she said.

Some experts think Chapman's identity should be taken into consideration.

"The roots are hugely problematic," said Lia Love Avellino, a psychotherapist and the CEO of Spoke , an emotional wellness space in Brooklyn.

"Not only where it came from or who it was written by," she said. "This is a language that made sense to a white, Christian, straight male. It made a culture where people thought you had to pick one, you have to have a specific way of communicating." 

But the book is also 'relatable and accessible'

Chapman's book endures because it can be used in pretty much any type of relationship. Bobby says she often discusses love languages with her patients, regardless of orientation. 

"It offers a very relatable and accessible way of understanding and appreciating the differences we've had in a way that's actionable for our partners," she said. 

The barrier to entry is also quite low, says Pamela Larkin, a therapist who specializes in relationships. The quiz is multiple-choice, free and only takes a few minutes. 

This idea that there is language out there that we can teach someone else to speak is empowering to somebody. Lia Love Avellino CEO of Spoke

"Some other personality assessments, like the Enneagram, take a little bit more reflection and go deeper in talking about motivations," Larkin said. "The love languages are more straightforward." 

The word "language" itself is comforting as well, Avellino says. 

"This idea that there is language out there that we can teach someone else to speak is empowering to somebody: There are some words that already exist rather than me having to come up with them." 

Some relationships can 'instantly feel better'

Along with being accessible, the concept of love languages can actually be helpful and make relationships "instantly feel better," Bobby says. 

"Readers are able to understand all these different ways of giving and receiving love in a way that didn't diminish the importance of any of them," she said. "Words of affirmation are not more important than physical affection or vice versa." 

For Avellino, it helps her patients answer important questions. 

"One thing I noticed when I ask people in therapy 'What do you need?' or 'What do you want?' most people don't know how to answer," she said. "This gives couples five pillars. There is a standard language so it doesn't feel so vulnerable to go out on a limb because there have been topics pre-established, so it must be acceptable." 

'We don't have a single self'

Larkin says the biggest danger in using love languages is believing that the work stops there.

Knowing and even performing your partner's love language does not absolve you from putting in effort elsewhere. 

"Doing acts of service doesn't make up for the need to still build trust, build respect, show honor, listen to each other, showing up for one another, being dependable," she said. "You still have to do those things." 

It also could be used in harmful ways during cycles of abuse, she says. 

"There is tension-building, the acute moment of abuse, and then the honeymoon phase," she said. "Let's say someone knows their partner's love languages, they can go through the other parts of the cycles and then use the honeymoon for, say, gift giving, to try to say they are sorry." 

Another critique is that the five love languages are not all-encompassing.

"There are other ways of experiencing love and care that Dr. Chapman didn't talk about in his book," Bobby said. "For many people, emotionally intimate conversations are the most important love language, and Dr. Chapman does not mention those." 

Your love language might also change throughout your life, Avellino says. 

"We don't have a single self," she said. "Different people bring out different needs, and circumstances change your needs." 

Chapman agrees that a person's love language might vary based on "circumstances and seasons of life."

A mother of two, he says, might find that for the first time in her life "acts of service" is her most important love language.

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Is There Science Behind the Five Love Languages?

Love languages—the concept coined by Baptist pastor Gary Chapman some 30 years ago—has taken the relationships world by storm. It’s often the “go-to” topic on first dates, and, for those in relationships, love languages are said to provide deep, meaningful, and reliable insights into how relationships function. Putting love languages into action is believed to increase relationship happiness.

The concept clearly has appeal. At last count, 20 million copies have been sold worldwide of Chapman’s 1992 book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts . The book has been translated into 49 languages.

There is only one catch. There is little evidence to support the idea that love languages are “a thing,” or that love languages do much of anything to help improve relationships.

What are the love languages?

According to Chapman , there are five love languages. Each of these love languages is a way to communicate your love to your romantic partner.

In his role as a Baptist pastor, Chapman had been counselling couples for years. It was through his observations of couples that the idea of love languages was born.

He believed love languages were an intuitive and simple way to teach couples about how to tune into each other’s ways of expressing love. And so, he began running seminars for husbands and wives, and the popularity of his seminars grew.

The five love languages are:

• acts of service (doing something that helps a partner, such as running an errand)
• physical touch (demonstrating physical affection, such as giving your partner a hug or kiss)
• quality time (spending time together and giving each other undivided attention)
• gifts (giving your partner a present that communicates thoughtfulness, effort, or expense)
• words of affirmation (such as expressing your admiration, or complimenting your partner).

Chapman suggests that people typically use all love languages, but that most people tend to rely on one love language most of the time. This is referred to as a person’s primary love language.

According to Chapman, people are more satisfied in their relationships when both partners match when it comes to their primary love language. However, people experience less satisfaction in their relationships when both partners do not share the same primary love language.

Another important aspect of the love languages concept is that relationships are likely to deliver the greatest satisfaction when a person can understand their partner’s love language, and act in ways that “speak to” their partner’s language. In essence, this idea is about tuning in to what a partner wants.

This is an idea that has existed across many models and theories about how relationships function well. That is, responding to a partner in a way that meets their needs and wants makes a person feel understood, validated, and cared for .

What does the evidence tell us?

Despite the popularity of the theory of love languages, only a handful of studies have been conducted and reported over the past 30 years. Research is largely inconclusive, although the balance sways more toward refuting rather than endorsing the love languages concept.

Let’s start with how love languages are assessed. In popular culture, the Love Language Quiz TM is an online questionnaire that people can complete to find out about their love languages. Despite millions of individuals having taken the quiz (according to 5lovelanguages.com), there are no published findings as to the reliability and validity of the measure.

Researchers have developed their own version of the love languages survey, but the findings did not meet the statistical thresholds to suggest the survey adequately captured the five love languages. Also, their findings did not support the idea that there are five love languages.

Furthermore, a qualitative study, in which researchers coded the written responses of undergraduate students to questions about how they express love, suggested there may be six love languages. However, the researchers reported difficulty agreeing on how some of the students’ responses neatly fitted into Chapman’s love languages, particularly in the categories of “words of affirmation” and “quality time.”

Next, let’s turn to research testing a core premise of the love language theory: that couples with matching love languages experience greater satisfaction than those who do not. Evidence for this premise is very mixed.

Three studies , including one that used Chapman’s Love Language Quiz, have found that couples with matching love languages were no more satisfied than couples who were mismatched.

However, a more recent study found that partners with matching love languages experienced greater relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners with mismatched love languages. This research also found that men who reported greater empathy and perspective taking had a love language that better matched the language of their partner.

Finally, what does the research say about whether having a better understanding of your partner’s love language is linked to higher relationship satisfaction? Only two studies have investigated this question. Both found that knowing your partner’s primary love language did predict relationship satisfaction in the present or into the future.

So, as you can see, not only is there very little research investigating love languages, but the research to date doesn’t strengthen belief in the powerful properties of love languages.

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article .

About the Author

Gery Karantzas

Gery Karantzas, Ph.D. , is currently a professor and director of the Science of Adult Relationships (SoAR) Laboratory in the School of Psychology at Deakin University. He is also a couples therapist and was the former national convener of the Australian Psychological Society Psychology of Relationships Interest Group.

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Do you know the 5 love languages? Here’s what they are — and how to use them

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Have you ever been asked “What’s your love language?” 

Chances are, you have. Because the concept — first created by counselor and pastor Gary Chapman , unpacked in a series of books , and picked up by many others — has spread far and wide. The five love languages refer to the five simple ways that we want love to be shown to us and the ways that we show others love.

I’m a relationship researcher , and while I haven’t empirically studied the love languages concept, other academics have. Some of the published studies confirm the validity of love languages, revealing they can increase people’s relationship satisfaction and longevity.

What I find so helpful about love languages is that they express a basic truth. Implicit to the concept is a common-sense idea: We don’t feel or experience love in the same way. Some of us will only be content when we hear the words “I love you,” some prize quality time together, while some will feel most cared for when our partner scrubs the toilet.

In this way, love is a bit like a country’s currency: One coin or bill has great value in a particular country, less value in the countries that border it, and zero value in many other countries. In relationships, it’s essential to learn the emotional currency of the humans we hold dear and identifying their love language is part of it.

No matter your situation — whether you’re living alone, spending 24/7 with a partner or roommates, living with adult kids or steering younger kids through virtual school —  the five love languages are a highly effective set of tools to have in your relational toolkit. When we know what another person’s love language is, we can choose the gestures that will most resonate with our partner, friend, parent or child. And when we know which actions speak to us and make us feel loved, we can ask other people for exactly what we need.

While there are plenty of online quizzes to tell you what your love language is, it’s easy to figure out yours and what your loved ones’ are by looking at what lights them up, what presents they give you (since many of us bestow on others what we would most like), and what their perfect day would look and feel like.

Here’s a look at the five languages and how they can be applied and optimized — even during a pandemic.

Love language #1: Words of affirmation

Those of us whose love language is words of affirmation prize verbal connection. They want to hear you say precisely what you appreciate or admire about them. For example: “I really loved it when you made dinner last night”; “Wow, it was so nice of you to organize that neighborhood bonfire”; or just “I love you.”

For the people in your life that you’re not seeing in person because of the pandemic, you could film a short video to send them. My kindergarten-aged goddaughter and I haven’t been together  in 7+ months, but we text each other silly videos of us saying — or even singing — what we miss most about each other.

And for the people you are seeing all of the time these days, remember that even making tiny gestures matters. This is my primary love language, and my husband of 29 years knows it. I’ll often wake up and go into the kitchen to find a sweet post-it note next to a glass of ice water on the counter (which is another love language — an act of service).

Love language #2: Acts of service

Some of us feel most loved when others lend a helping hand or do something kind for us. A friend of mine is currently going through chemotherapy and radiation, putting her at high risk for COVID-19 and other infections. Knowing that her love language is acts of service, a group of neighbor friends snuck over under the cover of darkness in December and filled her flower pots in front of her house with holiday flowers and sprigs. Others have committed to shoveling her driveway all winter. (It’s Minnesota, so that’s big love.)

In your home, you could be proactive and do something that eases your person’s daily grind. Why not take on the chore that everyone avoids doing, whether that’s cleaning the oven, changing the litter box, scraping ice off the car, or filling and running the dishwasher? For anyone whose love tank is filled up by people pitching in, seeing someone intentionally scanning the environment to figure out what they can do to make their environment better sends a clear and loving message to them.

Love language #3: Gifts

Those of us whose love language is gifts aren’t necessarily materialistic. Instead, their tanks are filled when someone presents them with a specific thing, tangible or intangible, that helps them feel special. Yes, truly, it’s the thought that counts.

When you’re out grabbing groceries for your family, pick up your roommate’s favorite kombucha or seltzer and drop it by their door. Our daughter — whose love language is gifts — is a junior in college and we know she’ll adore what’s in the box soon to arrive in the mail: a small package covered in valentine stickers and containing her favorite chocolates, gift cards for coffee and a framed picture of our family dogs, Fred and George. It’s an act of love that will fill her mailbox and her emotional bank account.

Love language #4: Quality time

Having another person’s undivided, dedicated attention is precious currency for the people whose love language is quality time. In a time of COVID-19 and quarantining, spending quality time together can seem challenging. But thanks to technology, it’s actually one of the easiest to engage in.

Make an intentional effort to have Zoom coffee dates with the colleagues you’ve been missing, or go on distanced walks with your in-laws. Put a good old fashioned phone call each week on the calendar with your best friend, or schedule an in-house date night with your partner or spouse — no phones or “I’m just going to turn on the TV for a second” distractions allowed. Nothing says “I love you” in quality time language better than them being the only thing on your agenda.

Love language #5: Physical touch

Expressing the language of physical touch can be as platonic as giving a friend an enthusiastic fist-bump when she tells you about landing an interview for a dream job or as intimate as a kiss with your partner to mark the end of the workday.

I know that for some parents with young children, spending too much time in the same small space has created a rub — literally. They’d do anything to have fewer people touching them fewer hours of the day. At the same time, for those living alone or those self-isolating because of their exposure or health risks, they’re experiencing the painful opposite: a lack of touch.

While there are no easy solutions for either case, we can get creative. If you know someone who’s overwhelmed by the small hands reaching for them, you might offer to take the kids to a park so they can run off some of their energy. For loved ones who are touch-deprived, try emailing them an outline of your hand and instruct them to lay their hand on the image while imagining your hand on theirs. Even thinking about a warm embrace — something you can do by texting friends and family members with the hug or hugging face emoji and telling you wish you could be doing this in person — can cause their brain to produce some of the same endorphins as an actual hug would.

Love languages are a worthwhile concept to become fluent in during this pandemic time — and at this time in the world. Long before COVID arrived on the scene, we were already living through an epidemic of loneliness . Loneliness is not just about being alone; it’s about experiencing a lack of satisfying emotional connections. By taking the time to learn each other’s love languages and then using them, we can strengthen our relationships and our bonds to others.

Watch Carol Bruess’s TEDxMinneapolisSalon Talk here: 

About the author

Carol Bruess PhD Carol Bruess (rhymes with "peace") is professor emeritus at the University of St. Thomas, Minnesota; resident scholar at St. Norbert College, Wisconsin; and forever passionate about studying and improving relationships. She is fluent in emoji, loves parentheticals (it’s what all the cool kids are doing), and is happy-dancing her way through empty-nesting (although don’t tell her kids; they think she’s all weepy). Check out her five books and sewing/design shenanigans over at www.carolbruess.com

• carol bruess
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