how to motivate my son to do his homework

Ten Homework Motivation Strategies for Children and Teens

Use these 10 strategies to end the homework wars..

Posted September 6, 2015 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

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When it comes to homework, parents get burnt out hearing these hollow and suspicious words: "I did it at school," "They didn't give homework today," "It hardly counts for my grade," "My teacher never looks at my homework anyway," "That assignment was optional." As parents, hearing these words is enough to drive you crazy.

As I write in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child , parents must not let their emotions get the best of them when their kids are not getting homework done. The strategies below are for helping your child or teen get unstuck:

• Nix the nagging! Pestering creates an adversarial, shaming dynamic that backfires. Instead, try my Calm, Firm, and Non-Controlling approach. Gently empower your child or teen by supportively saying, "I see that you are frustrated. Let's think of ways to help you get back on track with your homework/schoolwork."
• Encourage effort over perfection. Be mindful that kids tend to get intimidated when they have a hard time understanding material. They may get into negative self-talk like, "I can't do this." Even if they're truly thinking this way, parents may instead hear comments like, "I hate this." or "This is stupid." Remind your child or teen that doing his best effort is better than not doing it at all.
• Prioritize. Coach and encourage that the order that homework is done based on urgency, complexity, and workload. At the same time, realize that some students do better by starting with easier tasks and that this can help spark them to tackle more demanding assignments.
• Break it down. Reinforce breaking up homework time into manageable chunks and encourage taking regular breaks. Encourage moving around and walking away for a bit. Remind that an apple really does provide the same effect, and is healthier than an energy drink.
• Think "15 minutes of pain." Have the student set a timer for only 15 minutes. Keep it lighthearted and explain that even if it "hurts" doing the work, she can stop after 15 minutes. Like most things in life, once we push ourselves and get going, it's not so bad.
• Don't be consequence ravenous. Imposing consequences for homework not being done can backfire with defiant behavior. If you use consequences, don't present them with yelling. Keep them reasonable and ask the student to help you be able to move towards rewards (don't go overboard) and minimize consequences. Remember that real, natural consequences are the best motivators.
• Encourage connection. Encourage the student to make or re-establish a connection with his teacher. I have seen hundreds of kids "shoot themselves in the foot" with incomplete homework if they don't have a decent relationship with their teacher.
• Change up the homework/study surroundings. Try putting an inspirational poster by the desk, moving to a different room, or silencing the cell phone. New changes can create more changes.
• Use those study halls. Encourage the use of them as much as possible. Some kids lose sight of that more done at school, means less to do at home.
• Allow for some fun. Notice if your student is racing through the homework just to have fun. Fun time like, TV, phone time, or surfing the web, is welcome, but make sure you put limits on it.

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. , is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Parents often feel it’s their job to get their kids to do well in school. Naturally, you might get anxious about this responsibility as a parent. You might also get nervous about your kids succeeding in life—and homework often becomes the focus of that concern.

But when parents feel it’s their responsibility to get their kids to achieve, they now need something from their children—they need them to do their homework and be a success. I believe this need puts you in a powerless position as a parent because your child doesn’t have to give you what you want.

The battle about homework becomes a battle over control. Your child starts fighting to have more control over the choices in their life, while you feel that your job as a parent is to be in control of things. So you both fight harder, and it turns into a war in your home.

Over the years, I’ve talked to many parents who are in the trenches with their kids, and I’ve seen firsthand that there are many creative ways kids rebel when it comes to schoolwork. Your child might forget to do their homework, do their homework but not hand it in, do it sloppily or carelessly, or not study properly for their test. These are just a few ways that kids try to hold onto the little control they have.

When this starts happening, parents feel more and more out of control, so they punish, nag, threaten, and argue. Some parents stop trying altogether to get their children to do homework. Or, and this is common, parents will over-function for their kids by doing the work for them.

Now the battle is in full swing: reactivity is heightened as anxiety is elevated—and homework gets lost in the shuffle. The hard truth for parents is that you cannot make your children do anything, let alone homework. But what you can do is to set limits, respect their individual choices, and help motivate them to motivate themselves.

You might be thinking to yourself, “You don’t know my child. I can’t motivate him to do anything.” Many parents tell me that their children are not motivated to do their work. I believe that children are motivated—they just may not be motivated the way you’d like them to be. Keep reading for some concrete tips to help you guide them in their work without having to nag, threaten, or fight with them.

Also, keep in mind that if you carry more of the worry, fear, disappointments, and concern than your child does about their work, ask yourself, “What’s wrong with this picture, and how did this happen?” Remember, as long as you carry their concerns, they don’t have to.

Stop the Nightly Fights

The way you can stop fighting with your kids over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your child do their job. Don’t do it for them.

If you feel frustrated, take a break from helping your child with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your child do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

Create Structure Around Homework Time

Set limits around homework time. Here are a few possibilities that I’ve found to be effective with families:

• Homework is done at the same time each night.
• Homework is done in a public area of your house.
• If grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your child can focus and have more time to concentrate on their work.
• Make it the rule that weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed. Homework comes first. As James Lehman says, “The weekend doesn’t begin until homework is done.”

Let Your Child Make Their Own Choices

I recommend that your child be free to make their own choices within the parameters you set around schoolwork. You need to back off a bit as a parent. Otherwise, you won’t be helping them with their responsibilities.

If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle. And believe me, you don’t want a power struggle over homework. I’ve seen many kids purposely do poorly just to show their parents who’s in charge. I’ve also seen children who complied to ease their parents’ anxiety, but these same kids never learned to think and make choices for themselves.

Let Your Child Own the Consequences of Their Choices

I’m a big believer in natural consequences when it comes to schoolwork. Within the structure you set up, your child has some choices. They can choose to do their homework or not. And they can choose to do it well and with effort or not. The natural consequences will come from their choices—if they don’t choose to do their work, their grades will drop.

When that happens, you can ask them some honest questions:

“Are you satisfied with how things are going?”

“What do you want to do about your grade situation?”

“How can I be helpful to you?”

Be careful not to be snarky or judgmental. Just ask the question honestly. Show honest concern and try not to show disappointment.

Intervene Without Taking Control

The expectation is that homework is done to the best of your child’s ability. When they stop making an effort, and you see their grades drop, that’s when you invite yourself in. You can say:

“It’s my job to help you do your job better. I’m going to help you set up a plan to help yourself, and I will check in to make sure you’re following it.”

Set up a plan with your child’s input to get them back on their feet. For example, the new rules might be that homework must be done in a public place in your home until they get their grades back up. You and your child might meet with the teacher to discuss disciplinary actions should their grades continue to drop.

In other words, you will help your child get back on track by putting a concrete plan in place. And when you see this change, you can step back out of it. But before that, your child is going to sit in a public space and you’re going to monitor their work.

You’re also checking in more. Depending on your child’s age, you’re making sure that things are checked off before they go out. You’re adding a half-hour of review time for their subjects every day. And then, each day after school, they’re checking with their teacher or going for some extra help.

Remember, this plan is not a punishment—it’s a practical way of helping your child to do their best.

“I Don’t Care about Bad Grades!”

Many parents will say that their kids just don’t care about their grades. My guess is that somewhere inside, they do care. “I don’t care” also becomes part of a power struggle.

In other words, your child is saying, “I’m not going to care because you can’t make me. You don’t own my life.” And they’re right. The truth is, you can’t make them care. Instead, focus on what helps their behavior improve. And focus more on their actions and less on their attitude because it’s the actions that matter the most.

Motivation Comes From Ownership

It’s important to understand that caring and motivation come from ownership. You can help your child be motivated by allowing them to own their life more.

So let them own their disappointment over their grades. Don’t feel it more than they do. Let them choose what they will do or not do about their homework and face the consequences of those choices. Now they will begin to feel ownership, which may lead to caring.

Let them figure out what motivates them, not have them motivated by fear of you. Help guide them, but don’t prevent them from feeling the real-life consequences of bad choices. Think of it this way: it’s better for your child to learn from those consequences at age ten by failing their grade and having to go to summer school than for them to learn at age 25 by losing their job.

When Your Child Has a Learning Disability

I want to note that it’s very important that you check to see that there are no other learning issues around your child’s refusal to do homework. If they’re having difficulty doing the work or are performing below grade-level expectations, they should be tested to rule out any learning disabilities or other concerns.

If there is a learning disability, your child may need more help. For example, some kids need a little more guidance; you may need to sit near your child and help a little more. You can still put structures into place depending on who your child is.

But be careful. Many times, kids with learning disabilities get way too much help and develop what psychologists call learned helplessness . Be sure you’re not over-functioning for your learning disabled child by doing their work for them or filling in answers when they’re capable of thinking through them themselves.

The Difference Between Guidance and Over-Functioning

Your child needs guidance from you, but understand that guidance does not mean doing their spelling homework for them. Rather, it’s helping them review their words. When you cross the line into over-functioning, you take on your child’s work and put their responsibilities on your shoulders. So you want to guide them by helping them edit their book report themselves or helping them take the time to review before a test. Those can be good ways of guiding your child, but anything more than that is taking too much ownership of their work.

If your child asks for help, you can coach them. Suggest that they speak with their teacher on how to be a good student and teach them those communication skills. In other words, show them how to help themselves. So you should not back off altogether—it’s that middle ground that you’re looking for. That’s why I think it’s essential to set up a structure. And within that structure, you expect your child to do what they have to do to be a good student.

Focus on Your Own Goals

When you start over-focusing on your child’s work, pause and think about your own goals and what do you need to get done to achieve those goals. Model your own persistence and perseverance to your child.

Believe In Your Child

I also tell parents to start believing in their children. Don’t keep looking at your child as a fragile creature who can’t do the work. I think we often come to the table with fear and doubt—we think if we don’t help our kids, they’re just not going to do it.

But as much as you say, “I’m just trying to help you,” what your child hears is, “You’re a failure; I don’t believe you can do it on your own.”

Instead, your message should be, “I know you can do it. And I believe in you enough to let you make your own choices and deal with the consequences.”

Related content: What Can I Do When My Child Refuses to Go to School? “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

For more information on the concept of learned helplessness in psychology and behavior, we recommend the following articles:

Psychology Today: Learned Helplessness

VeryWell Mind: What Is Learned Helplessness and Why Does it Happen?

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frank My daughter Nina just turned 8 (Feb 11). She does not like to do homework one bit. Her teacher gives her homework every day except Friday. She loves Fridays because she doesn't like homework. She always hides her homework under her bed, refuses to do her homework, and in the More morning she tells her teacher "I lost it last night and can't find it!". She feels homework is a waste of time, yes, we all feel that way, but poor Nina needs to learn that homework is important to help you stay smart. She needs to start doing homework. How can I make her 2nd-grade brain know that homework is actually good? Is there a way to make her love, love, LOVE homework? Let me know.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. In addition to the tips in More the article above, it may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing these particular issues with your cousins, such as their doctor or their teachers. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I hear you. Homework can be a challenging, frustrating time in many families even under the best of circumstances, so you are not alone. When kids struggle with a subject, it can be even more difficult to get assignments completed. Although you didn’t indicate that your daughter More has ADHD, you might find some helpful tips in Why School is Hard for Kids with ADHD—and How You Can Help . Author Anna Stewart outlines techniques that can be useful to help make homework more interesting for kids with a variety of learning challenges in this article. You might also consider checking in with your daughter’s teacher, as s/he might have some additional ideas for engaging your daughter in her homework. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.

So, after reading this I get to say…GREAT…You really do not know my child.  We have done 100% of everything listed in this article.  In the end, my son has utterly declared “I DON’T CARE, AND I DON’T NEED SCHOOL”.  We have attempted a “reward” system as well, and that doesn’t work.  He cares about 3 or 4 things.  Nintendo DS, Lego, K’Nex, TV…all of those he has lost over the past year.  Now he reads, ALL the time.  Fine, but that doesn’t get his homework done.  It also doesn’t get anything else he needs to do done.  We’ve done “task boards”, we’ve done “Reward Systems”, we’ve done the “What is on your list to complete”.  EVERYTHING is met with either a full fledged meltdown (think 2 year old…on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying).  His IMMEDIATE response to ANYTHING that may interrupt him is “NO” or worse.  If something doesn’t go his way directly he throws a fit INSTANTLY, even if the response is “Give me a second” it’s NOW OR I’M DESTROYING SOMETHING.  He’s been suspended multiple times for his anger issues, and he’s only 10.  Unfortuantely we have no family history as he was adopted from Russia.  His “formal” diagnosis are ADHD and Anxiety.  I’m thinking there is something much more going on.  BTW: He did have an IQ test and that put him at 145 for Spacial and Geometric items, with a 136 for written and language.  His composite was 139, which puts him in the genius category, but he’s failing across the board…because he refuses to do the work.

Interesting article and comments. Our son (6th grade) was early diagnosed as ADHD and for the first 3 years of elementary school several of his teachers suggested he might require special education. But then the school counseling staff did a workup and determined that his IQ is 161 and from that point forward his classroom antics were largely tolerated as “eccentric”.  He has now moved to middle school (6th grade) and while his classroom participation seems to be satisfactory to all teachers, he has refused to do approximately 65% of his homework so far this school year. We have tried talking with him, reasoning with him, removing screen time, offering cash payments (which he lectures us as being unethical “bribes”), offering trips, offering hobbies and sporting events, and just about anything we can think of. Our other children have all been through the “talented and gifted” programs, but he simply refuses to participate in day-to-day school work. His fall report card was pretty much solid “F” or “O” grades. He may be bored out of his mind, or he may have some other issues. Unfortunately, home schooling is not an option, and neither is one of the $40,000 per year local private schools which may or may not be in a better position to deal with his approach to school.  Do “learning centers” work for kids like this? Paying somebody else to force him to do his homework seems like a coward’s solution but I am nearly at the end of my rope! Thanks..

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport 12yokosuka Many parents struggle with staying calm when their child is acting out and screaming, so you are not alone.  It tends to be effective to set up a structured time for kids to do their homework and study, and they can earn a privilege if they comply and meet More their responsibilities.  What this might look like for your daughter is that if she studies, she can earn her phone that day.  If she refuses, and chooses to argue or scream at you instead, then she doesn’t earn her phone that day and has another chance the next day.  You can read more about this in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/.  If you are also looking for resources to help you stay calm, I encourage you to check out our articles, blogs, and other resources on https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/calm-parenting/.  Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

Scott carcione 

I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you are experiencing with your

son.I also hear the different

approaches you and your ex are taking toward parenting your son.While it would be ideal if you were able to

find common ground, and present a consistent, united response to your son’s

choices, in the end, you can only https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/.At

this point, it might be useful to meet with the school to discuss how you can

work together to hold your son accountable for his actions, such as receiving a

poor grade if he refuses to do his work.Janet Lehman discusses this more in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-your-child-has-problems-at-school-6-tips-for-parents/.Take care.

It can be so challenging when your child is acting out at school, yet does

not act that way at home.One strategy I

recommend is talking with your son at home about his behavior at school.During this conversation, I encourage you to

address his choices, and come up with a specific plan for what he can do differently

to follow the rules.I also recommend

working with his teachers, and discussing how you can assist them in helping

your son to follow the rules.You might

find additional useful tips in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/acting-out-in-school-when-your-child-is-the-class-troublemaker/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your son.Take care.

I hear you.It can be so challenging

when your young child is having outbursts like this.A lot of young children tend to act out and

have tantrums when they are experiencing a big transition, such as starting a

new school or adjusting to having a younger sibling, so you are not alone.Something that can be helpful is to set up

clear structure and expectations around homework, as Janet Lehman points out in

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-refuses-to-do-homework-heres-how-to-stop-the-struggle/.I also encourage you to set aside some time

for you to have https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/attention-seeking-behavior-in-young-children-dos-and-donts-for-parents/ with your daughter as well.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

JoJoSuma I am having the exact same problem with my 9 year old son. His grades are quickly falling and I have no idea why or where to begin with helping him turn things around. When he applies himself he receives score of 80% or higher, and when he doesn't it clearly shows and he receives failing scores. He, too, says that he doesn't do or want to do the work because it is boring, or that he "Forgot" or "lost it". He has started to become a disruption to the class and at this rate I am afraid that he will have to repeat 5th grade. I am also a single parent so my frustration is at an all time high. You are not alone and I wish you and your family the best.

Thank you so much for these tips RebeccaW_ParentalSupport because I SERIOUSLY had nowhere to turn and no clue where to begin. I have cried many nights feeling like I was losing control. I will try your tips and see where things go from here.

It’s not uncommon

for kids to avoid doing homework, chores or other similar tasks.  After

all, homework can be boring or difficult, and most people (both kids and adults

alike) tend to prefer activities which are enjoyable or fun.  This does

not mean that you cannot address this with your daughter, though. 

Something which can be helpful for many families is to set up a structured

homework time, and to require that your daughter complete her homework in order

to earn a privilege later on that evening.  You can read about this, and

other tips, in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and

your daughter.  Take care.

Thestruggleisreal I'm just now signing up for these articles, I'm struggling with my 12 year and school work, she just doesn't want to do it, she has no care I'm world to do, she is driving me crazy over not doing, I hate to see her More fail, but I don't know what to do

FamilyMan888 

I can hear how much your

daughter’s education means to you, and the additional difficulties you are

facing as a result of her learning disabilities.  You make a great point

that you cannot force her to do her work, or get additional help, and I also

understand your concern that getting her teachers to “make” her do these things

at school might create more conflict there as well.  As James Lehman

points out in his article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stop-the-blame-game-how-to-teach-your-child-to-stop-making-excuses-and-start-taking-responsibility/, lowering your expectations for your daughter due to her

diagnosis is probably not going to be effective either.  Instead, what you

might try is involving her in the https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/, and asking her what she thinks she needs, and what she will do

differently, to meet classroom expectations.  Please be sure to write back

and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

tvllpit Very effective to  kids age of 5, 7, and 11 years old. Thank you for sharing your idea.

Thank you for

your question.  You are correct that we recommend setting up a structured

time for kids to do homework, yet not getting into a power struggle with them

if they refuse to do their work during that time.  It could be useful to

talk with your 11 year old about what makes it difficult to follow through with

doing homework at that time, and perhaps experimenting with doing homework at

another time to see if that works more effectively.  In the end, though,

if your child is simply refusing to do the work, then we recommend giving a

consequence and avoiding a power struggle.  Megan Devine details this

process more in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

jovi916 I'm a mother to a 10 year old 5th grader. Since 3rd grade I've been struggling with homework. That first year, I thought it was just lack of consistency since my children go between mine and dad's house. I tried setting some sort of system up with More the teacher to get back on track, but the teacher said it was the child's responsibility to get the hw done. This year has been esp. Difficult. He stopped doing hw, got an F, so I got on him. He stared turning half done work, but same grades so I still got on him. Grades went up, I loosened up, then he stopped with in school work. Now it's back to not turning anything in, even big projects and presentations. He had never really been allowed to watch tv, but now it's a definite no, I took his Legos away, took him out of sports. Nothing is working. He's basically sitting at the table every night, and all weekend long in order to get caught up with missing assignments. I'm worried, and next year he'll be in middle school. I try setting an example by studying in front of him. My daughter just does her homework and gets good grades. Idk what to do.

I can hear your concern. Academic achievement is important

to most parents and when your children seem to be struggling to complete their

work and get good grades, it can be distressing. Ultimately, your childrens’

school work and grades are their responsibility. You shouldn’t have to quit

your own studies in order to help them improve theirs. The above article gives

some great tips for helping motivate your children to complete their homework.

We do have a couple other articles you may also find useful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/10-ways-to-motivate-your-child-to-do-better-in-school/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/sinking-fast-at-school-how-to-help-your-child-stay-afloat/. We appreciate you

writing in and hope you find the information useful. Take care.

RNM I have the exact same issues with my 8 year old. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. He's a smart kid, he just doesn't seem to care to do his homework let alone if he gets a bad grade as a result. He hates reading, but does More very well in spelling and science. Homework is an issue nightly and the teacher pulled me aside today to tell me again how much he talks in class and that now he isn't writing down his assignments and is missing 3 assignments this week. SMH, I don't know what to do anymore other than to coach him (some more) and take away basketball if he doesn't do his homework.

What?  "Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school.."  I do not see the logic or benefit of this advice.  Homework, by definition, is the responsibility of the student and parent (NOT the teacher).  The teacher does not live at the student's home or run the house.  

In my opinion, the lack of parental involvement with academics often causes the low student performance evident across the U.S.  I do not agree with advocating for even LESS parental involvement.

I completely agree with you. Parental, or adult, engagement at home can be a deal-maker/breaker when it comes to student performance. I subscribe to theories that differ from the author's.

First, if an adult is involved with the child and his activities, then the child will commonly react with "hey, somebody cares about me" leading to an increased sense of self-worth. A sense of caring about one's-self leads to caring about grades and other socially acceptable behaviors (Maslow).

Secondly, I am a FIRM believer in the techniques of behavior modification through positive reinforcement (Karen Pryor). It's up to an invested adult to determine what motivates the student and use those motivators to shape and reinforce desirable behavior such as daily homework completion. A classroom teacher has too many students and too little time to apply this theory.

Letting a child sink or swim by himself is a bad idea. Children have only one childhood; there are no do-overs.

And yes, children are work.

Many experience similar feelings of being at fault when

their child fails, so, you’re not alone. Truth of the matter is, allowing your

child to experience natural consequences of their actions by allowing them to

fail gives them the opportunity to look at themselves and change their

behavior.  We have a couple articles I think you may find helpful: When You Should Let Your Child Fail: The Benefits of Natural Consequences & 5 Natural Consequences You Should Let Your Child Face . Good luck to you and

your family moving forward. Take care.

hao hao It is so true, we can't control our children's home. It is their responsibility. But they don't care it. What can we do it?

indusreepradeep

How great it is that you want to help your brother be more

productive with his homework. He’s lucky to have a sibling who cares about him

and wants him to be successful. Because we are a website aimed at helping

parents develop better ways of managing acting out behavior, we are limited in

the advice we can offer you as his sibling. There is a website that may be able

to offer you some suggestions. http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/

is a website aimed at helping teens and young adults figure out ways of dealing

with challenges they may be facing in their lives. They offer several ways of

getting support, such as by e-mail or text, through an online forum and chat,

and also a call in helpline. You can check out what they have to offer at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/. Good luck

to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

Kathleenann indusreepradeep

Thank you so much for your humble support....

It sounds like you have done a lot

of work to try to help your daughter achieve her educational goals, and it’s

normal to feel frustrated when she does not seem to be putting in the same

amount of effort.  It can be useful to keep your focus on whether your

daughter is doing her work, and to keep that separate from whether she “cares”

about doing her work.  Ultimately, it is up to your daughter to do her

work, regardless of how she appears to feel about it.  To that end, we

recommend working with the various local supports you have in place, such as

her therapists and others on her IEP team, to talk about what could be useful

to motivate your daughter to do her school work.  Because individuals with

autism can vary greatly with their abilities, it’s going to be more effective

to work closely with the professionals who are familiar with your daughter’s

strengths and level of functioning in order to develop a plan to address this

issue.  Thank you so much for writing in; we wish you and your daughter

all the best as you continue to address her difficulties with school. 

is there a blog for parents that went to Therapeutic boarding schooling for their adolescent?

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

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How to help your child get motivated in school.

Strategies you can use to help kids work up to their potential

Writer: Danielle Cohen

Clinical Experts: Laura Phillips, PsyD, ABPdN , Ken Schuster, PsyD , Kristin Carothers, PhD

What You'll Learn

• Why do some kids have trouble getting motivated in school?
• How can parents help their children try harder in school?

It’s common for kids to lack motivation in school. Sometimes, this happens because the child has ADHD, anxiety, social challenges, or a learning disability. But other times, kids without a diagnosable problem still have trouble living up to their potential in school. Here are a few ways that parents can encourage kids to put in more effort at school.

Start by showing kids that you care about their schoolwork. Check in with them about how classes are going. Let them know that you’re there if they need homework help. Ask what they’re learning and what they like (and don’t like) about the assignments. With older kids, be sure to give them space, too. If they sense that you’re pressuring them, they might end up feeling resentful and less motivated.

Using positive reinforcement helps. You don’t need to give kids big rewards, but even small ones like a high five or a few extra minutes of screen time can make a difference. It’s also important to praise effort, not results. For example, praise your child for finishing a tough assignment or taking a class that might be hard. Nobody gets top grades all the time, so make sure your child knows you don’t expect perfection.

You can also bring in reinforcements if schoolwork is becoming a source of conflict for you and your child. You could hire an older student at your child’s school or a nearby college to help monitor homework and ease stress on the family. Talking to your child’s teacher can also give you insight into their behavior and help you work as a team to encourage them.

Finally, be sure to keep tabs on your own feelings. If you’re getting very frustrated or angry about your child’s school performance, a therapist or support group can help.

If you have a child who is struggling in school and doesn’t seem to be motivated to make an effort, the first thing you want to do is explore whether there is some obstacle getting in his way. Learning issues , social challenges, attention or emotional problems can all cause kids to disengage academically.

But not all kids who are underperforming in school—clearly not living up to their potential—have a diagnosable problem . And there are a number of things parents can do to help motivate kids to try harder.

Get involved

As a parent, your presence in the academic life of your child is crucial to their commitment to work. Do homework with them, and let them know that you’re available to answer questions. Get in the habit of asking them about what they learned in school, and generally engage them academically. By demonstrating your interest in your child’s school life, you’re showing them school can be exciting and interesting. This is especially effective with young kids who tend to be excited about whatever you’re excited about. Teenagers can bristle if they feel you are asking too many questions, so make sure you are sharing the details of your day, too. A conversation is always better than an interrogation.

Likewise, it’s important to stay involved but give older kids a little more space. If you’re on top of your kid all the time about homework, they may develop resistance and be less motivated to work—not to mention the strain it will put on your relationship.

Use reinforcement

Many parents are nervous about rewarding kids for good work , and it’s true that tangible rewards can turn into a slippery slope. But there are ways to use extrinsic motivation that will eventually be internalized by your kid. “Kids respond really well to social reinforcers like praises, hugs, high fives, and those kinds of things,” says Laura Phillips , PsyD, a neuropsychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “Then they start to achieve because it feels good for them.”

Ken Schuster , PsyD, a neuropsychologist at the Child Mind Institute, encourages parents to use rewarding activities that would have probably occurred either way but placing them after a set amount of time doing homework. He suggests treats that are easy to provide but that your child will enjoy, such as going for ice cream or sharing a candy bar. He also recommends breaking work up into chunks and using small breaks as rewards for getting through each chunk.

Reward effort rather than outcome

The message you want to send is that your respect hard work. Praising kids for following through when things get difficult, for making a sustained effort, and for trying things they’re not sure they can do successfully can all help teach them the pleasure of pushing themselves. Praise for good grades that come easily can make kids feel they shouldn’t have to exert themselves.

Help them see the big picture

For older kids who have developed an understanding of delayed gratification, sometimes simple reminders of their long-term goals can help push them. It can help many high school seniors who slack off after getting into college to remind them that they could lose their acceptance if their grades drop too much, or they might not be prepared for college courses. “Linking school up with their long-term goals can make the work feel more personally fulfilling,” explains Dr. Phillips.

Let them make mistakes

No one can get A’s on every test or perfect score on every assignment. While kids need encouragement, and it’s healthy to push them to try their best, know that setbacks are natural . Sometimes the only way kids learn how to properly prepare for school is by finding out what happens when they’re unprepared.

Get outside help

One way to take a little tension away from your relationship with your child is to find an older student (either at their school or a nearby college) to help them out with work. Most will charge pretty low rates, and the fact that they’re closer to your kid’s age may make it more likely they’ll listen to what they say.

“Homework was a source of conflict for us,” says Elizabeth, whose son Alex has ADHD . Elizabeth hired a few Barnard students to help Alex do his homework on certain nights, she recalls. “He behaved a lot better with them, and it was money well spent for me because I wasn’t fighting, and I wasn’t stressed out.”

Make the teacher your ally

Another one of the most important things you can do for your child is to work with their teacher. The teacher might have additional insight about how to motivate your child or what they might be struggling with. Likewise, you can share any strategies or information that you have.

When her son was in lower school and only had one teacher, Elizabeth would call his teacher before the first day, introducing herself and alerting the teacher that her son had ADHD and that he found it hard to focus. She would give the teacher little tips that she had found were useful with Alex: Writing multi-step directions on the board, tapping him on the shoulder while walking past to make sure he was paying attention and other small tweaks that would be useful to any young child but are especially essential to one with ADHD.

“Make sure that both school and home are of one accord,” stresses Kristin Carothers, PhD, a clinical psychologist. Dr. Carothers often sets up a system she calls the daily report card. With this system, the child gets points from their teacher for things like completing work and following directions the first time they get them. Then they bring those points home, where their parents give them small rewards, such as extra time on the iPad or playing a game together.

Get support for yourself

It can be just as frustrating to watch your child withdraw from school as it can be difficult for the kid themself to focus. Elizabeth says that she often feels judged as a parent for having a son who struggles so much in school.

Some schools have support groups for parents of kids who are less motivated, and if your child’s school doesn’t, Elizabeth encourages setting one up. “It’s very comforting to hear that you’re not alone,” she says. “It’s also helpful to hear people who have gone ahead of you talk about how to navigate the school’s system, find a therapist, and talk to teachers.”

“If you’re feeling yourself getting really angry or frustrated with your kids, take a step back,” Dr. Carothers recommends. “Put things into context.”

It’s also important to keep your goals in perspective: Your child may not become a star student. Make sure to focus on the effort they put in and the commitment they show instead of the outcome. If you expect perfect achievement from a child who struggles in school, you’ll drive yourself crazy.

“I’m not trying to get my child to be someone he’s not,” Elizabeth says about her efforts to help her son. “I just want him to reach his potential.”

Frequently Asked Questions

You can motivate your child to do homework by letting them know you’re available to answer any questions they might have and that you see how hard they’re working. You can also reward them with small treats, like going out for ice cream, after they finish a certain amount of homework.

To motivate a child to do well in school, use positive reinforcement such as hugs and high fives, reward their effort rather than specific outcomes, and help them make the connection between current effort and achieving long-term goals such as getting into college.

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Make Homework More Engaging — and Boost Your Child’s Confidence, Too

How one child with adhd learned to actually love homework — and how your child can, too..

A very smart 10-year-old named Zach used to come home from school, sigh heavily, drop his backpack on the floor and say, “I don’t have any homework !”

“How ’bout math? You usually have math ,” his dad said.

“I don’t wanna,” says Zach, “It’s stupid and boring” (which usually means, “It’s too hard”).

Dad coaxed, encouraged, sweet-talked, and bribed his son, to no avail. Zach resisted doing his homework almost every night.

Zach’s dad and mom shared their frustration and worry with Zach’s teacher and, together, they worked out an arrangement, a plan to motivate Zach to get his work done — and boost his resilience and confidence along the way.

[ Free Resource: Solve Common Homework Frustrations ]

Tackling Homework with Joy

The following day after the meeting, Zach’s teacher asked all of the kids to take a look at their homework and pick out three of the 15 problems assigned that they were most likely to get right. She didn’t ask them to pick the easiest problems, but she built in some easy items to make this work better up front.

Then she asked the kids to use a 5-point scale to rate the difficulty level of each problem: 1 is thumbs up, a piece of cake; 5 is super hard. She asked the class to write a number next to the problem and to rate their ability to do each of these independently (1= no help needed). She said, “OK, tonight you have to do these three problems. Please show them to a parent to explain what you’re doing. You can do the rest of the problems, but you don’t have to if you run out of time or energy.”

The next day the teacher asked the kids to talk about whether their difficulty rating was accurate: “What number would you assign, now that you’ve done it? And how about the independence rating…were you right? Any changes there? Did you need more help than you thought you would?” The teacher added: “How confident do you feel about the answers to these three problems?” Again, she asked them to use a rating scale.

She handed out the correct answers and asked the class, “How did you do? How do you feel about doing this activity? We’re going to do something like this again tonight, but this time I want you to double the number of problems you tackle.”

[ 12 Shortcuts for Kids Who Hate Homework ]

After the kids — all the kids, not just Zach — circled six items, the teacher asked them how they felt about this challenge. The next day she talked with the class about competence and confidence again. When all the kids said they felt good about their work, she said, “This is the way you should feel about all, or at least most, of your homework.”

On the third day, in keeping with the plan the parents worked out with the teacher, the teacher announced, “Tonight you must do all of your homework. Tell your parents about this and tell them you want to try to do the problems by yourself, but let them know you may need their help. This time, you will do three things: 1) Mark down your start/stop times. I want to see how long it takes each of you to do the same assignment. Don’t worry: I won’t disclose this info to anyone. 2) Rate the level of adult assistance you got. 3) Tomorrow I’ll ask you to give the assignment a confidence rating.”

Making Mistakes — and “Repairing” Them

The teacher asked the kids to show their homework to their parents, having identified in class the three items that will be the most challenging. She included one item that is really hard and said, “You have to do the three problems that you rated as most difficult, and you have to do this ‘extra hard’ one that I added. It’s very likely that some of you will make mistakes, and this is good. Because tomorrow we’re going to have an ‘error repair clinic.’”

Sure enough, some of the kids made errors. The teacher assigned kids to repair teams. Their job was to find out where the error-maker went wrong. Then, as a team, they “repaired” the problem and presented their thought process (and the correct answer) to the class or a larger subgroup.

This little exercise boosted Zach’s confidence. He is less afraid of making mistakes, and knows now that his job is to find and fix inevitable errors. His attitude about homework has changed: He is more likely to look at math as a challenge that can be overcome; he’ll know the joy of success that will keep the momentum going; and he will spend less time in “I can’t” land. In short, he is more likely to bend and rebound rather than freeze up and break when faced with a challenge at school or in life.

What’s more, parents and teacher have learned how to build success together. By the way, you can bet that, for every Zach, there are six kids in a classroom who need this kind of training. I’m sure the teacher will be getting a lot of thank-you notes from parents who find homework time more peaceful.

The Right Kind of Homework

When Zach’s teacher tells her students that “this is the way you should feel when you do your homework,” she is stating the approach I advocate. To be effective, homework should give opportunities to kids to do things that they learned how to do during the day, and that they believe they can do pretty successfully. There should also be some challenge built into homework, some reason for kids to push themselves closer to what I call the “boundary of their competence.”

Homework should never be used to introduce or teach a new concept. This puts a lot of kids on the edge of their incompetence. It is not a good idea, because kids will shy away from tasks that don’t make them feel smart and look competent.

If you like the plan Zach’s parents worked out with his teacher but find yourself thinking, “Yeah, but my child’s teacher won’t go along with it,” do this: Give your child’s teacher a copy of this article and ask them to e-mail me — [email protected] — telling me how the plan worked. Tell them I’d like to add their comments to a growing list from other teachers who rave about this simple and effective approach.

You can use this method at home, as long as your child’s teacher agrees that your child will complete fewer problems in the short run. The goal is to get back to the expected level of solving problems, but with less stress and more success. Who could argue with that?

Remember, if most homework requires help from adults, kids don’t get the chance to feel the joy of independence from doing it on their own. When little kids master a task on their own, they cry out: “Look, Mommy, I did it!” (Remember those sweet moments?) That’s what kids should feel when they do homework.

[ How to Cut Homework Time In Half ]

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November 3, 2020

Ask Lisa Podcast - Episode 13

How Do I Motivate My Kid to Do Homework?

• School & College

Students are finding it hard to focus on school in the midst of a pandemic. But laying a good foundation for how homework gets done is a skill that can be carried into adulthood. Lisa explains the psychological research behind two different kinds of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. Is it appropriate to reward kids for doing their work? Lisa discusses what parents can do to help kids self-motivate and stay on task. Lisa’s October column in The New York Times: How to Do School When Motivation Has Gone Missing https://www.nytimes.com/2020/10/29/well/family/teenagers-motivation-school.html For Children Everywhere –  GoFundMe.org’s Covid-19 Relief Fund financially supports people impacted by the pandemic and organizations helping with relief efforts: https://www.gofundme.com/f/covid19-relief-cause-fund

November 3, 2020 | 28 min

Transcript | How Do I Motivate My Kid to Do Homework?

Ask Lisa Podcast, Ep. 13: How Do I Motivate my Kid to do Homework?

The Ask Lisa Podcast does not constitute medical advice and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you have concerns about your child’s well-being, consult a physician or mental health professional.

REENA : I feel like I’m working seven days a week, like harder than I ever have before.

LISA : I feel the same way. I feel like I’ve never worked so hard in my life as I am right now.

REENA : But you know what the frustrating part is? I feel like I can never get my kids to do what I need them to do.

LISA : Like you’re working triple overtime and they’re not picking up their own slack?

REENA : Triple overtime. That’s why I took some satisfaction in seeing this in our inbox from mom who wrote this letter, which just hit so close to home for me. It says: I’’m a new podcast listener and have been really enjoying your show. My question is regarding my five and a half year old who’s currently attending in-person all day kindergarten. He takes a bath after coming home and then it’s playtime or screen time until dinnertime. Bedtime routine starts after dinner. He’s been having homework with kindergarten that’s assigned Fridays and it’s usually due the following Friday. Previously I’ve been able to get to finish the homework on weekends so we haven’t had to worry about it during the week. The most ideal situation in my opinion. However the increase in homework load, we’ve been splitting it up to be done over a couple of days. He has been adamant about having his play or screen time first, then dinner time, and only then will he willingly do his homework. Here’s my gripe: doing his homework before bedtime when he’s already tired from the day, and number two, I’d like to establish the habit of work before play, but I also understand that he’d like to rest before doing work because come on, we adults feel the same way, right? How do I find a good compromise that sets a good habit without him developing resentment towards the task of doing homework so he’s not doing homework right before bed when it’s evident he’s tired?’

LISA : Okay this letter is amazing.

REENA : Right?It hits on so many things that I feel right now I’m struggling with.

LISA : Well and it hits on all of these sort of essential elements of kids and homework and routine and reward and rest, and what I love is you got this mom who gets it that even with a five-year-old we want to be thoughtful about the patterns and habits that get laid down around how homework gets done, and I love that we can take, you know let’s think it through for her kid, but then the things that we will think through and that she actually puts on the table really do stretch all the way up through you know middle school, high school, college and work life, you know beyond you know kindergarten and elementary school. It’s pretty remarkable, really.

REENA : First off, homework in kindergarten, wow. Can I say I didn’t even realize kids were getting homework in kindergarten, but to her point, like what parent doesn’t want their kid to come right away home, okay fine I’ll give you ten minutes have a snack but start your homework so none of us have to worry about this anymore.

LISA : Well and that is probably an adjustment that she should push for here, which is this idea of trying to get homework as early into the lineup in the evening as possible, and you know it’s all new still, they’re just transitioning to this idea of weekday homework so there’s room to work, but one thing I’ve definitely seen it work as a psychologist is at any age the later it gets that homework begins, the worse it all goes. So this is definitely an adjustment and she’s right and you’re right that it’s fair to give kids a beat when they get home from school, whether it’s a snack a little TV show, a little downtime, and then especially if we think about kids who are not leaving physically to go to school and don’t have maybe a bus ride to decompress or things like that it’s fair to give them a little rest and a little chance if they need it to just unwind, but then to push for homework to get going early.

REENA : But you know what’s that time, right? I mean do you give it an hour? Do you give it two? Look, at our house if my son wants to play XBox you’ve got to finish everything before you can log on, and as you you know, I say you’re the reason why we ended up getting the Xbox because socializing boys, he said it’s something they did pre pandemic you told us a few episodes back, and so he gets on with the other boys, and I feel like I see other moms are pretty much the same, all the boys have to finish their homework then they can enjoy that time.

LISA : Well so that’s a pretty good system, right? That there is a very highly desirable reward waiting for him when he gets his homework done. So maybe he gets a different kind of downtime, you know maybe just a little snack, a little TV or something like that, then hits the homework but the Xbox waits. And the other thing, I mean Xbox is a perfect example of that,  if you feel like it’s gonna be hard to pull the kid away, right? A whole bunch of other kids are involved, there’s not a natural break because maybe those other kids could go on for a long time that’s probably not the right downtime before a kid gets down to business on their homework.

REENA : Is having that sort of reward system ever a bad thing?

LISA : No, actually it’s not, and this is something I took up in my most recent column, which also made me really psyched to see this letter from this mom around like motivation and kids getting motivation to do their school work, and there’s a there’s a pretty extensive body of psychological research on this and I want to unpack it a little because I think it hangs out too much on the academic side and it has so much to tell us on the ground real life parenting side. So when educational psychologists talk about motivation, we actually talk about two different types. We talk about intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation, and the best way to think of these is to think of it as intrinsic motivation is almost a lot like fascination, where you’re just really drawn to something, it’s on like the book you can’t put down, it’s the the work that’s so engaging with the work itself is its own reward, and I mean that’s awesome if it’s happening. And then there’s extrinsic motivation, where we engage and do things because either we have to or else we’ll get in trouble, so lik the extrinsic motivation is like not getting punished, or it’s we’re doing it because Xbox is waiting for us we’re doing, or we’re doing it because we’re getting a salary to do the work, and so you know these are just two different mechanisms of motivation, and the only place I think where this can go wrong and this sometimes happens, especially in educational circles, is the sense that like the better one is the intrinsic one, you know it’s better if you have intrinsic motivation, and well I mean it is because it’s effortless and it’s you know nice to have intrinsic motivation, but you can’t always get there, right? Kids don’t always have intrinsic motivation or sometimes they love one subject more than another, or they’re really into something on Monday but not Wednesday, and so what I like to think about, and then we can get really practical about what this looks like, what I like to think about is stacking the deck for intrinsic motivation, and we know what we can do, but really helping kids think about these as two different gears that just move them down the academic road and that they, at their best, students learn to switch between these gears. Like when they’ve got intrinsic motivation they ride on that, and when the intrinsic motivation has dried up or gone or not showing up, they can switch into extrinsic motivation to still get it done.

REENA : So give me an example, like how do I make this work with school life for them?

LISA : Okay, so when we say stacking the deck for intrinsic motivation, because truly if you can get intrinsic motivation that does make everything a lot easier, the kinds of things that we know really matter are things like giving kids some autonomy, right? So it may be saying to your son, dude, you do have to do your homework but you can decide the order in which you take it on. Or you can decide where you do it, right? If you want to do it in the kitchen or in the dining room, or you know laying on the living room floor, I don’t care. So a degree of autonomy and say makes a difference in terms of kids being into their work. Support, praise, even though praise people are like extrinsic motivation, okay well it turns out that the right kind of praise actually supports intrinsic motivation, and when we say the right kind of praise, it’s got to be sincere, you want to praise effort, not talent. Be like I see how hard you’re working. It’s awesome, and it’s got to be supportive not kind of domineering, so it’s got to be like, you did such a good job. Not, you did such a good job, just like I expected you to. You know so as long as we’re in a good place and really kind of heartfelt and generous place with our praise and it’s real and it’s true and it’s really admiring the kid, that really helps. So those are the things we can do, and also making sure kids feel like they they have a grip on the work, like when the work is way too hard or overwhelming there’s not gonna be intrinsic motivation.

REENA : I want to back up for a second. When we’re talking about praise the effort not the talent, why is that so important? Not to say like, oh wow look at it you’re so great at reading? Why do you say it’s so important to praise like I like how hard you’re working on this reading. Why is that better to phrase it that way?

LISA : Great question. So there’s a super long answer that we might spend time on another episode around growth mindset versus fixed mindset, and I think some of our listeners will know that that’s the area in which I’m working, but the bottom line is praise what kids can control. So if you like, oh you’re such a smarty, right, it has that sense of like lucky you you’re super smart, and then when they’re struggling they can have this feeling of like, oh maybe I’m not so smart, but it doesn’t feel like something that they have say over. Whereas if you say, you know what you’re crushing and you’re crushing it because you are working. Then, when they’re feeling unsure or uneasy, they can fall back on something they have say over, which is how hard they work.

REENA : But I found when kids struggle with certain subject, they’re bad in math, sometimes they’ll be like, ugh I’m so dumb, I’m so dumb, I can’t do this, and you want to help build their confidence, right? I find the more you start doing multiplication facts and long division you get greater confidence, but you’re saying don’t focus on telling them how smart they are, even if they feel like they’re not smart at all?

LISA : Probably not, but here’s what you could do, right? So any kid who’s like, I don’t get math. I’m dumb at math. I can’t do math. What usually you can point to is some other domain of that child’s life where they didn’t used to know what they were doing. So you can say, ok but remember the first time you got your skateboard and you fell on your butt like 100 times and then you kept at it, kept at it, kept at it? Okay this is like that. So it’s true you do not know what you’re doing. It’s true you feel like you’re falling down a lot, but the same persistence that you used to figure out the skateboard is the exact same persistence that is going to come through for you here.

REENA : So to the topic of getting them to do this, like what really works as a motivator. What if what if there isn’t, like an Xbox? You know my son has the Xbox, my daughter doesn’t. So she’ll play for hours and hours and at the end realize, oh my gosh I haven’t done my homework yet.

LISA : So, okay so this idea of like if intrinsic motivation isn’t happening, which sometimes kids are not like, yay my homework, I can’t wait to do it, right? Which is often most of the time, they’re not like that, then like time to bust out the extrinsic motivation. And I really, like there’s no shame in that. And the first place I like to start, okay Reena, I have highly elaborate systems for making myself do work I don’t want to do, but what are yours, like I know you have, like if you have something that’s like, this is a beast I don’t want to tackle it, or I don’t wanna make a call or I don’t want to do this thing, what have you used in your career, and also your home life, you know to get yourself to do the things you don’t want to do?

REENA : Procrastination. It’s called procrastination.

LISA : You mean creating time pressure? Is what I’ll call it.

REENA : I like how you turn it into such a lovely psychological, even my struggles. You know,  I read this book awhile ago, it’s like swallow the frog. You wake up in the morning and you do the thing you really hate to do the most, and I use the word hate, it’s pretty strong. I, in an ideal circumstance, love to work out in the morning. I know I’ve knocked it out, it’ll help me feel good. I’m not always motivated to work out or, you know, if I’ve got a list of things to do, it’s the one thing I’m really really dreading because I’m just not into that thing, I try to do that first, or by a certain time and I find the earlier I do, I knock it out I’m done, and then I don’t keep thinking about it and it doesn’t bring me down.

LISA : Okay, so you say procrastination but what you really describe is you grab the bull by the horns, do the nastiest job, and then you can relax into and enjoy the rest of it, is what it sounds like we’re describing.

REENA : Yeah

LISA : So one way we could frame that up, and this is something you can then take to kids, is you actually use the intrinsic motivation for the work you want to do as the reward for doing the thing you don’t want to do. So, you have a bunch of stuff on your list and you’re like, okay here’s the one I don’t want to do, but there’s all the stuff I do want to do, so even tasks, and this is a really interesting idea, like even tasks and jobs things that are not obviously playful, can be rewards if you like, but I’m into those ones, those are interesting that will be gratifying, so you do that and we can actually show kids how to do that when they’re like, oh I can’t even start my homework. You can say, all right, which of this like do you find really interesting, and which of this is basically a slug? Okay, here one strategy is to put the slog stuff first, get it out of the way so you can get to the stuff you like, and use the stuff you like as a reward for doing the stuff you didn’t feel like doing. Now, I go opposite from you, okay I am, okay

REENA : That is true about a lot in life.

LISA : But it just shows you, like there’s a million ways to get it right. So I am like the queen of the to-do list. There’s little in life the gives me as much pure delight as crossing off the last item on a to-do list, and so for me I will actually put the gnarliest task last because I find it easier to get started on my work, and a lot of kids on this too, easier to get started if I do something I want to do, and then I roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, through my to do list and then I get to that ugly item at the bottom, and my wish to cross off the last thing is greater than my wish to not do that thing. And so I put the frog at the bottom.

REENA : Wow.

LISA : And that’s how I get it done.

REENA : Wow. That thought would never have crossed my mind, to swallow a frog at the end of the day not the beginning.

LISA : But, okay, so these are the conversations we need to have with kids and when I say these conversations, I mean a much more open discussion of the fact that every functioning grown up has stuff they don’t want to do, and has already developed elaborate systems for hacking themselves into doing it anyway, and if we all do this this is going on all the time, I mean I I’ve got three other, four other wild strategies I use, which I’m very happy to confess, but what’s interesting to me is we carry on and get our work done this way, and a lot of kids walk around feeling like, oh and isn’t that so neat-o that that person feels like doing it and getting down to business, and then they’re like oh I can’t wait til that feeling drops on me that I want to do this. And it’s so much more useful to kids if we’re like, oh no no, I don’t want to do it but here’s how I do it.

REENA : It’s true and I have to admit, and this is so horrible to admit, like my daughter had a presentation about herself to make, and doing slideshows, and it’s like the morning of, it’s due and I’m helping her like empty it in so she can, you know get to school on time, and my husband like don’t be that mom who’s like doing the presentation for the kid, like I know, but I want this done it’s got to be finished and she didn’t finish. And I just feel like we’re all struggling with so much at home with work and doing things at home that, you know, just extra workload on that front, that we sometimes maybe cut corners or can’t figure out how to do this that’s going to set them on the right track for the future.

LISA : It is hard. I mean there’s that weirdness, first of all, like the overlap of life like life at home and our kids school work and our professional lives, I mean like it’s all sort of rolled up together in a weird way right now. And then, you know, I don’t know what was going on with your daughter around that assignment in particular, but I have to tell you, as much as this mom is talking about kind of garden variety stuff around how do kids do school and how to get them to do what we want them to do, or they should do. I have never heard motivation be as low for kids in school right now. I mean I’ve never heard it at these low levels, that here we are, it’s like basically early November and kids are like, I don’t want to do it anymore, and you’re like okay but the year just got rolling.

REENA : Right.

LISA : So it it’s compounded by how hard this year is and then for some kids it’s not even like in person and so then it feels that much more hard to get kind of, you know, invested in and get some juice for it, so I think a lot of families are feeling this right now.

REENA: But, you know, I love when our podcasts are just so relatable to our personal life as adults, and I just think that we’re in this like it feels like this black abyss, we don’t know what to expect, and the fact is it’s it’s going to get yuckier as we continue on, so what needs to happen? You know especially as some kids are lucky enough to be in school, others are remote, it is so much harder when you are remote. So what really matters in this point of, you know, is sticking to a routine important? Like how do you, when you’re talking about motivation, what needs to happen to have kids self-motivate?

LISA : Okay, so let’s think about it, like let’s come up with the recipe to support kids’ motivation and let’s think about all the ingredients. And I’m gonna try to rattle off as many as I can because you know how different every family is, and how different every kid is, and so I’m going to set myself a goal, like maybe I can come up with five or six ingredients for your kids motivation recipe, on the idea that some families will need a couple of these, some families will need other other ones of these. Okay so you said the magic word, a magic word, one of them routine, right? And this is part of what this mom is asking about, like should we change the routine? The answer is yes. So part of how we support motivation is having routinized nice times when the school work gets done. So if you’re in a position, or your kid’s in a position everyday, that when they’re like, I wonder when I’m going to do my homework today, like you’re already in trouble? So the first step the first ingredient in supporting motivation for kids is there should be a very predictable pattern regardless of how they do school, and I actually think for a lot of us it’s all about to get jumbled up again, even with the new schedules and new systems come down from schools as things get, you know, as the rates rise. Put in a routine and put in a routine time for when the work gets accomplished. Like that should not be up for grabs. So that’s one. Another one would definitely be praise. Like I actually think we owe it to kids so big right now. If they are upright and trying I think we should be like, buddy I see you. You are really working. I know you’re not into this. I know you don’t dig it. I’m really impressed. I think that’s huge. I think that’s huge. Okay, so we got two, Reena, right? Three, trying to support intrinsic motivation in other ways, giving them say, giving them autonomy. Okay that’s three. Four, being really open about her extrinsic motivation strategies, okay Reena, so you’ve got swallow the frog first, what else do you have? Like what other like rewards, treats, what else do you like?

REENA : Yeah like I don’t really believe in and giving, in our house we don’t really do allowances, but I guess we kind of have turned into it. We review at the end of the week and we pretend we haven’t e-bank and we give very little money, but money I say I really loved your behavior on this and this and here, and that’s been such a big motivator to you point of saying, you know, there are actions like applauding the actions can make a difference.

LISA : So, like an e-bank, so like if your son’s really buckled down or really, you know, dealing with the difficult situation we’re all in, you’re saying to him, like, I really see what you’re up to, I see how hard you’re trying. An e-bank like you give him credits for things?

REENA : It’s like three dollars a week that he sometimes uses to buy things on Xbox or whatever, and we say at the end of the month they can use that money towards something, and money is also deducted if they, you know, like hit their sister, or had of massive temper tantrum, didn’t do their homework or their chores, and we kind of look at the week, and see what we like and didn’t like.

LISA : Okay, so they’re sort of like a let’s look back on the week, and like what did you handle well and what did you not handle well, and how can I give you a carrot right to keep you going? So okay there’s that. So I think we’re on five. So there’s that extrinsic motivator. Another one that I think it’s kind of five point A, or they’re sort of connected is on asking kids what they find would find motivating, so you’ve kind of done that, right? You know that he wants these e-credits. I am always amazed by how creative kids can be, and this especially gets to teenagers, when they’re struggling, if they’re having a hard time getting their work done, one of the things I learned from teenagers is a lot of them use, or some of them use, they were telling me, they’re like oh you just pull up a YouTube study buddy. And I was like excuse me? So if you go to YouTube and you Google study buddy, yeah what comes up are all of these videos of these very earnest looking college age students in beautiful libraries, hard at work, and there’s a timer so you can time how long you study alongside them. Some of them have music, some of them don’t and so like what what they’re offering is companionship while you study, you’re not by yourself, but it’s also not a friend who’s gonna distract you because if they FaceTime with each other they often end up chit chatting.

REENA : What a relief. I thought it was going to be a different kind of friend you were going to be introducing us to.

LISA : It’s like a total stranger who never meet, but boy do they look studious. So stuff like that that grown ups would ever think of, I’m hearing from teenagers works really well. Sometimes, I’ve used this personally but teenagers will do it to, like going to a place that somewhat public to work, you know, probably not a coffee shop right now, but if it’s nice like going outside, or in a library if it’s big enough and safe enough, because I think there can be the sense of, like it’s a little embarrassing to like you know sort of social media if you’re in the library because somebody might see, sort of shames you into just focusing. So let’s just call the six, like really really asking kids what would work for them, so putting forward our own ideas about extrinsic rewards, and then saying you know I know this is not what you want to be doing or I know you just can’t face one more project tonight, like what would help? I mean do you want to tell me what you want for dinner and if I have an in house all to make it happen, or do you want me to sit with you? Do you want me to bring my laptop and sit next to and I’ll just work quietly, but really counting on the inventiveness and creativity of kids and and then of course like wrapped up in that idea is making it very clear that we’re totally at ease with the idea that they need this kind of scaffolding to get the work done not making it a shameful thing.

REENA : That’s really great advice. Before we go I wanna talk a little bit about our For Children Everywhere, it’s charity that we always like to plug, and this week we decided to plug the Gofundme account for COVID-19 relief fund. I know it can be so uncertain right now but what we do know certainly is people need help, so be sure to check out our show notes and we’ll have a link there as to how you can help people who are still suffering in a big way from this pandemic. And we also announce we’ve got a special upcoming episode dealing with getting into college. Tell us about that, Lisa.

LISA : Okay so we’re going to have our first guest, Reena. I’m very excited. It’s Jeff Selingo, who is the author of this recent really big book called “Who Gets In And Why: A Year Inside College Admissions.” He did an unbelievable job of reporting on really what happens inside college admissions and he’s going to join us to answer questions. We’ll call it like Ask Jeff that week instead of Ask Lisa. So what we want people to do is send in your questions to asklisa(at)drlisadamour(dot)com about college admissions, and if you have young kids you can send in questions about like what should we be doing now if that’s on your mind. If you have late high schoolers or high school age kids, send them in, and Jeff has graciously agreed to basically do a speed round with us to answer as many as possible, so send those questions in, that episode will drop late in November.

REENA : Can’t wait for that. He’s such an expert so great to have him on. And to wrap it up, what’s your parenting to-go this week.

LISA : Okay, so my parenting to go something I have been using a lot in my own home lately and it was given to me, unfortunately I don’t know her name, but this wonderful mom that I encountered shared this with me about how to get your younger kid to pick up their stuff. Back into motivation. So maybe this works better with girls and boys but I but there’s another way that would just as well with boys, but she taught me to refer to all of the detritus that my younger daughter leaves around the house as sparkle.

REENA: Sparkle?

LISA: Yes. Honey, your sparkle is everywhere. I need you to pick up your sparkle, and you can easily imagine what word is really in my mind when I’m saying that.

REENA: Exactly.

LISA: But there’s something so funny and delightful about it that it just takes some of the heat out of it, and actually might my almost ten year old daughter is, we use we sometimes nicknamed her like the sparkle fairy, and like it’s really well-meaning because she is, she’s got this bubbly huge funny personality, but then it makes it that much more germane for her when we’re like, honey, sparkle fairy, your sparkle is everywhere could you put it away?

REENA: I love that sparkle. I could use that in my life. Great advice. We will wee you next week, and I want to remind everyone to check us out on Instagram and Twitter @ asklisapodcast. Thank you so much, Lisa.

LISA: You bet. See you next week.

REENA: See you next week.

More resources

The advice provided here by Dr. Damour and the resources shared by her AI-powered librarian, Rosalie, will not and do not constitute - or serve as a substitute for - professional psychological treatment, therapy, or other types of professional advice or intervention. If you have concerns about your child’s well-being, consult a physician or mental health professional.