My mother's death isn't something I survived. It's something I'm still living through.

Image: A woman, going through stages of grief, looks out a sunny window while crying in the shadow of her room; she receives flowers from a friend, and cries at her desk.

For years, I’d assumed I would be completely incapable of functioning after my mom died. I had no idea what my life would or even could look like after that. I couldn’t imagine it, just like I couldn’t imagine, when I was a kid, what it would be like to drive a car or go to college or even just be a grown up; it felt like I would just have to cease to exist when she did.

And yet, here I am, two and a half years after my mom’s death on May 15, 2018. I don’t know if I’m thriving, or even “surthriving,” a term that makes me think of a preternaturally peppy Molly Shannon character on “Saturday Night Live.” But at least I’m no longer sleeping with the lights on while the Mel and Sue years of “The Great British Baking Show” drone on at the edges of my consciousness … most of the time, anyway.

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I didn’t do anything in particular to survive her death except continue to stay alive. I certainly haven’t processed the pain, and I doubt I ever fully will; it’s all simmering just beneath my skin, ready to escape at the next Instagram story from The Dodo about interspecies friendship.

Immediately after her death, there were things that had to be done — writing an obituary, canceling her credit cards and hiring an estate attorney. And I did them; they filled some time. I had help — a lawyer, friends, family, the health aide who became a second daughter to her and a sister to me. Plus Mom had been very organized; she’d even prepared a list of all of her logins for me. Logistically, it was as easy as a death could be.

The most important thing I learned about grief is that it isn’t linear, and it isn’t logical.

But at the end of the day, I was her only child. And she was my only mom. And she was gone. Just gone.

So I let her answering machine fill up with messages, because I couldn’t cope. No one sat shivah for her in Texas; I didn’t even know where to begin to organize that. I had a panic attack in the housewares section of Target.

In the months after that, I declined a lot of social invitations; I whiffed deadlines; I stayed up all night playing video games and listening to true crime podcasts by myself. In short, whatever remaining concerns I had about meeting most societal norms went out the window.

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It wasn’t all terrible; there were small mercies that I’ll never forget. Even when I was at my worst, my loved ones did what they could to soothe the unbearable. My friends came and sat shivah with me in New York City when I arrived home, filling my apartment with carbohydrates and flowers. They flew to me when I needed them but couldn’t say. They took me into their homes when I showed up; or they took me hiking along the Pacific Ocean or to karaoke.

Still, my grief cruelly took away my ability to concentrate on books, movies or even any TV shows that required more than the bare minimum of intellectual processing. I had nothing left to invest emotionally or intellectually in anything I normally loved — or even anything I was once pleasantly distracted by. I struggled to pitch my editors. I flubbed an interview with a celebrity so disastrously I still think about it late at night.

Eventually, I allowed myself the luxury of going to therapy twice a week instead of just once.

If this all sounds awfully familiar to you, it’s because we’re all grieving in some way.

The most important thing I learned about grief is that it isn’t linear, and it isn’t logical. You have to be very careful with yourself and with who you’re around, and you have to make sure they’re extra tender to you, too. Even the most big-hearted people will do or say the wrong thing; I still do it myself. Most of their missteps are forgivable, but you’ll decide which ones aren’t, and that’s important, too.

Special bonds were formed in the last two years between me and the friends who’ve also experienced the loss of their mothers; it’s a very particular, complicated sort of loss that can feel extra messy and ugly. And, let’s face it, not many people can tolerate hearing about the disgusting indignities of aging and death unless they get paid by the hour — nor should they. There is also a kind of relief that you feel after a death like that, and the relief feels shameful, but even the shame feels like a relief, sort of like popping a pimple.

essay on death of mother

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I’m no longer scared when the phone rings (mostly). When a famous person dies, I no longer calculate how much older or younger they were than my mom, as if that somehow affected her odds of survival. Dead parents, it turns out, are great ice breakers on first dates and at cocktail parties. I’m thankfully off the hook for airport travel over the winter holidays. When certain dates roll around — like the anniversary of my parents’ respective deaths — I’m not sad so much as simply disassociated.

If this all sounds awfully familiar to you, it’s because we’re all grieving in some way. We’ve collectively experienced wave after wave of loss in the past nine months, and it scares me to think of how shattering it will be once the constant flow of news and tragedy relents just a little.

I didn’t do anything in particular to survive her death except continue to stay alive.

This sounds horrible but, without the death of my mom — and specifically the experience of grieving her death — I wouldn’t have emotionally or mentally survived the pandemic. While I’m still no expert at tolerating discomfort, I’m better at it than I used to be; there’s not much else to do when you’re laying sideways across your bed at 4 a.m. staring at your cat and feeling desperately, bitterly lonely, except to feel desperately, bitterly lonely.

Plus, now I don’t have to worry about her during the pandemic; she had chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and an increasingly knotty conflagration of disorders that would have made her an over-the-top risk for Covid-19, and she lived in Texas. She worried about me all the time anyway, even when there wasn’t an airborne virus ravaging us, and I’d have felt guilty for worrying her, and she’d want me to move back to Dallas, and, well, we’ve all seen “Grey Gardens,” right?

essay on death of mother

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In the before-times, when I was on a subway stopped between stations, I’d try to sense the millisecond it began to lurch back into motion, until I could no longer tell the difference between standing still and moving. Grief is like that, but with fury and fear and sadness and a terrifying blankness that nothing can soothe. You can’t tell when the subway will start moving again; you can’t magic it into motion. You can only wait and see what happens, and make sure you’re holding on when it starts moving again.

You won’t believe the kinds of things you can survive. I didn’t. I still don’t.

More from our project on surviving 2020 and what comes next:

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Jenni Miller is a freelance writer who covers movies, TV, sex, love, death, video games and assorted weirdness for a variety of publications online and in print.

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“Grief, when it comes, is nothing like we expect it to be.” ~Joan Didion

This spring marked ten years since I lost my mother . One ordinary Thursday, she didn’t show up to work, and my family spent a blur of days frantically hanging missing person fliers, driving all over New England, and hoping against reason for a happy outcome.

My mother was prone to frequent mood swings, but she also talked to my two older brothers and me multiple times a day, and going off the grid was completely out of character. How does someone just vanish? And why?

Forty days is a long time to brood over worst-case scenarios: murder, kidnap, dissociative fugue cycled through my addled mind. I gave in to despair but always managed to buoy myself up with hope . My mom was my best friend, and at twenty years old, I needed her too much to lose her. She simply had to come home.

Six weeks later, my brother called. Right up front he said he loved me—a sure sign bad news was coming. There was no way to say what he had to say next, so he just spat it out like sour milk: our mother’s body had been found.

A diver checking moorings in a cold New England harbor had spotted something white on the ocean floor. That white whale was our mom’s station wagon. She had driven off the end of a pier. We didn’t say the word suicide, but we both thought it, failed to comprehend it.

It’s been ten years since that terrible spring. Much of it still doesn’t make sense to me, but a decade has softened the rawness of my grief and allowed moments of lightness to find their way back into my life, the way sunrise creeps around the edges of a drawn window shade.

Losing someone to suicide makes you certain you’ll never see another sunrise, much less appreciate one. It isn’t true. I’m thirty years old now and my life is bigger, scarier, and more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined. Grief helped get me here.

Grief is not something you can hack. There is no listicle that can reassemble your busted heart. But I have found that grieving can make your life richer in unexpected ways. Here are ten truths the biggest loss of my life has taught me:

1. Dying is really about living.

At my mother’s memorial, I resented everyone who said some version of that old platitude, “Time heals all wounds.” Experience has taught me that time doesn’t offer a linear healing process so much as a slowly shifting perspective.

In the first raw months and years of grieving, I pushed away family and friends, afraid that they would leave too. With time, though, I’ve forged close relationships and learned to trust again. Grief wants you to go it alone, but we need others to light the way through that dark tunnel.

2. No one will fill that void.

I have a mom-shaped hole in my heart. Turns out it’s not a fatal condition, but it is a primal spot that no one will ever fill. For a long time, I worried that with the closest relationship in my life suddenly severed, I would never feel whole again. Who would ever understand me in all the ways my mother did?

These days I have strong female role models in my life, but I harbor no illusions that any of them will take my mom’s place. I’ve slowly been able to let go of the guilt that I was replacing or dishonoring her by making room for others. Healing is not an act of substituting, but of expanding, despite the holes we carry.

3. Be easy on yourself.  

In the months after losing my mother, I was clumsy, forgetful and foggy. I can’t recall any of the college classes I took during that time. Part of my grieving process entailed beating myself up for what I could not control, and my brain fog felt like yet another failure.

In time, the fog lifted and my memories returned. I’ve come to see this as my mind going into survival mode with its own coping mechanisms.

Being kind to myself has never been my strong suit, and grief likes to make guilt its sidekick. Meditation, yoga , and journaling are three practices that help remind me that kindness is more powerful than listening to my inner saboteur.

4. Use whatever works.  

I’m not a Buddhist, but I find the concept of letting go and not clinging to anything too tightly to be powerful.

I don’t read self-help, but I found solace in Joan Didion’s memoir The Year of Magical Thinking .

I’m not religious, but I found my voice in a campus support group run by a chaplain.

I hadn’t played soccer since I was a kid, but I joined an adult recreational league and found that I could live completely in the moment while chasing a ball around a field.

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all grieving method. Much of it comes down to flailing around until you find what works. Death is always unexpected; so too are the ways we heal.

5. Gratitude wins.

We always feel that we lost a loved one too soon. My mom gave me twenty good years. Of course I would’ve liked more time, but self-pity and gratitude are flipsides of the same coin; choosing the latter will serve you in positive ways, while the former gives you absolutely nothing.

6. Choose to thrive.

My mom and I share similar temperaments. After her death, I worried I was also destined for an unhappy outcome. This is one of the many tricks that grief plays: it makes you think you don’t deserve happiness.

It’s easier to self-destruct than it is to practice self-care . I initially coped through alcohol and other destructive methods, but I knew this was only clouding my grieving process. I had to face the pain directly, and write my way through it. So I wrote a book.

Everyone has their own constructive coping mechanisms, and choosing those, even when it’s hard, is worth it in the long run. My mother may not have been able to find happiness in her own life, but I know she would want that for me. No one is going to water you like a plant—you have to choose to thrive.

7. Time heals, but on its own timeline.

“Time heals all wounds” is something I heard a lot at my mother’s memorial service. Here’s what I wish I had known: grief time does not operate like normal time. In the first year, the present was obscured entirely by the past. Grieving demanded that I revisit every detail leading up to losing my mom.

As I slowly started to find effective coping mechanisms, I began to feel more rooted in the present. My mood did not have to be determined by the hurts of the past.

There will always be good days and bad. This is the bargain we sign on for as humans. Once we make it through the worst days, we gain a heightened sense of appreciation for the small moments of joy to be found in normal days. Healing comes over time, but only if we’re willing to do the work of grieving.

8. Let your loss highlight your gains.

I’ve lived in New York City for eight years now, but it still shocks me that I’ve built a life that I love here. It’s a gift I attribute to my mom. She was always supportive of my stubborn desire to pursue a career as a writer. After she died, the only thing that made sense to me was to write about the experience.

This led me to grad school in New York, a place I had never even considered living before. It feels like home now. I wish I could share it with my mom, but it was her belief in me that got me here. I lost my mom, but I found a home, good friends, a career I love and the perspective to appreciate it all.

9. Heartbreak is a sign of progress.

In the first years after the big loss, I assumed romance was dead to me. Why would I allow someone else to break my heart? Luckily I got past this fear to the point where I was able to experience a long and loving relationship .

That relationship eventually imploded, but I did not, which strikes me as a sign of progress. Grief makes us better equipped to weather the other life losses that are sure to come. This is not pessimism. This is optimism that the rewards of love always trump its risks.

10. Grief makes us beginners.

Death is the only universal, and grieving makes beginners out of all of us. Yet grief affects us all in different ways. There is no instruction manual on how best to cope.

There is only time, day by day and sometimes minute by minute, to feel what works, and to cast aside what does not. In the ten years I’ve learned to live without my mother, I’ve tried to see my grieving process as an evolutionary one. Loss has enriched my life in challenging, unexpected, and maybe even beautiful ways.

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About Lindsay Harrison

Lindsay Harrison is a New York based writer and editor. Her first book, Missing , was published by Simon & Schuster. When she's not writing, she's most likely playing soccer or walking her dog, who looks like a fox.

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How to Deal With the Death of a Mother

Theodora Blanchfield is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and mental health writer using her experiences to help others. She holds a master's degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is a board member of Still I Run, a non-profit for runners raising mental health awareness. Theodora has been published on sites including Women's Health, Bustle, Healthline, and more and quoted in sites including the New York Times, Shape, and Marie Claire.

essay on death of mother

Daniel B. Block, MD, is an award-winning, board-certified psychiatrist who operates a private practice in Pennsylvania.

essay on death of mother

EMS-FORSTER-PRODUCTIONS / Getty Images

The death of one's mother is one of the hardest things most people will go through in life. Whether you two had a great relationship, a strained relationship, or something in between, this event will likely have a significant impact on your life.

In one survey, between 20% to 30% of participants stated that losing a loved one was the most traumatic event in their lives—even among those who had reported 11 or more traumatic events over the course of their life. For that group, 22% still ranked the loss of a loved one as their most traumatic event.

Why the Death of One's Mother Is So Hard

Whether you are grieving the death of a mother who birthed you or a mother (or mother figure) who raised you, you are either grieving the bond you had or the bond you wish you had.

John Bowlby , a British psychologist, believed that children are born with a drive to seek attachment with their caregivers. While others before him believed that attachment was food-motivated, he believed that attachment formed based on nurturing and responsiveness.

Therefore, it makes sense that grieving that attachment—or lack thereof—would be incredibly difficult.

A mother is such an integral part of our lives in our society, in part because we are not raised in communities with a variety of caretakers,” says Liz Schmitz-Binnall, PsyD, who has done research on mother loss and resilience.

Her research specifically focused on adult women who had lost their mothers as children and found that they scored lower on resilience than those who had not lost mothers as children.

She says she sees many people who didn’t have a good relationship with their mother but are surprised at the strength of their grief reaction following their mother’s death.

How a Mother's Death Can Affect Someone

While mother loss differs from other losses in some key ways, some of the same effects that come from any kind of loss or bereavement are present. Some thoughts and feelings typical of grief:

  • Difficulty concentrating

Less known is that grief can show up physically , in addition to the more-known mental or spiritual indications. In your body, grief may look like:

  • Digestive problems
  • Energy loss
  • Nervousness
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Weight changes 

Risk of Psychiatric Disorders

In others, however, a loss of a loved one may activate mental health disorders even in those with no history of mental illness. One study found an increased risk for the following disorders, in addition to discovering a new link between mania and loss:

  • Major depressive disorder
  • Panic disorder
  • Posttraumatic disorder

Specifically in adults over the age of 70: 

  • Manic episodes
  • Alcohol use disorders
  • Generalized anxiety disorder 

What Is Complex Bereavement?

All grief is complex, but upon losing someone, many people are able to slowly readjust to their daily routines (or create new routines). Mental health professionals may call it complicated or complex bereavement if it has been at least a year and your daily function is still significantly impacted. 

(Note: the current clinical name is Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder, but the American Psychiatric Association recently approved a change of name to Prolonged Grief Disorder. )

Some of the signs of prolonged grief are the following symptoms still significantly impacting your daily functioning after 12 months:

  • Difficulty moving on with life 
  • Emotional numbness 
  • Thoughts that life is meaningless
  • A marked sense of disbelief about the death

In one study, 65% of participants with complicated grief had thought about wanting to die themselves after losing a loved one. So if you, or someone you know who is grieving, is having suicidal thoughts, know that you aren’t alone and this is not uncommon for what you are going through.

If you are having suicidal thoughts but feel you can keep yourself safe, you should talk to a mental health professional. If the thoughts become unbearable and you are in imminent danger of hurting yourself, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support from a counselor who is trained in this.

How to Heal from the Death of a Mother

When loss is fresh, it feels like you will feel that way forever—but you won’t.

“If you allow yourself to grieve, and if others allow you to grieve,” says Schmitz-Binnall, “you will probably notice that the really intense feelings will lessen during the first few months after the death of your mother.”

She says that while most people intuitively realize it can be hard to lose a mother, they don’t realize quite how hard it can be—or how long it can take. “People in our society often think we can move through grief in a month and be done with it.”

And even if we don’t acknowledge those feelings, that doesn’t mean they aren’t existing and impacting our lives anyway.

Liz Schmitz-Binnall

Too many people push us to ‘get on with life’ too soon after a significant loss. We need to be able to grieve, but...we also need to adjust our expectations of ourselves.

Some of her tips:

  • Feel the feelings
  • Or let yourself feel nothing
  • Talk about your feelings
  • Spend time by yourself
  • Spend time with others
  • Talk to her (in whatever way that means for you and your beliefs—it may also include writing letters to her.)

Talk to a Professional

Therapy can be helpful after a major loss like this. While most therapists will have worked with grief, as it's one of the most universal life experiences, there are also therapists who specialize in working with clients with grief. To find one, search for grief therapist or grief counselor in your area.

Get Help Now

We've tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Find a Community

Since grief can feel like such an isolating experience, many find comfort in support groups, whether they be in-person or an online support group. If you are a woman who has lost a mother, you may be interested in the Motherless Daughters community , which is both virtual and has offline meetups.

A Word From Verywell

The death of a mother is one of the most traumatic things someone can experience. If you are currently grieving your mother, give yourself grace. Whether you had a good relationship or not with her, there will always be grief associated with either the actual relationship you had or the one you wish you had.

Hasin DS, Grant BF. The national epidemiologic survey on alcohol and related conditions (Nesarc) waves 1 and 2: review and summary of findings .  Soc Psychiatry Psychiatr Epidemiol . 2015;50(11):1609-1640. doi:10.1007/s00127-015-1088-0

Schmitz-Binnall E. Resilience in adult women who experienced early mother loss .  All Antioch University Dissertations & Theses .

  • Keyes KM, Pratt C, Galea S, McLaughlin KA, Koenen KC, Shear MK. The burden of loss: unexpected death of a loved one and psychiatric disorders across the life course in a national study .  AJP . 2014;171(8):864-871. doi:10.4088/jcp.v67n0209
  • Szanto K, Shear MK, Houck PR, et al. Indirect self-destructive behavior and overt suicidality in patients with complicated grief.   J Clin Psychiatry . 2006;67(2):233-239. doi:10.4088/jcp.v67n0209

By Theodora Blanchfield, AMFT Theodora Blanchfield is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and mental health writer using her experiences to help others. She holds a master's degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is a board member of Still I Run, a non-profit for runners raising mental health awareness. Theodora has been published on sites including Women's Health, Bustle, Healthline, and more and quoted in sites including the New York Times, Shape, and Marie Claire.

Jamie Cannon MS, LPC

Why the Death of Your Mother Is a Life-Changing Event

Shock, relief, loneliness, and gratitude, perhaps all at once..

Posted December 29, 2022 | Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

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Regardless of the quality of the relationship, losing your mother is a major life event. Many people fear the grieving process; grieving your mother’s death will turn that process on its head. The known becomes unknown, the predictable becomes uncertain, and warring emotions compete–starting immediately with the shock that someone so integral to your presence can suddenly just be gone.

Though our brains are astounding in their ability to adapt to changing circumstances, that skill can complicate the grieving process. The thread of a mother’s existence runs throughout your life, humming in the background from childhood through adulthood. It doesn’t matter if you struggled to get along or found her to be your best friend; even for those who never knew their biological mother, her death will be momentous.

Coping With Shock

If your mother was a significant part of your life, her death will somehow bring everything to a screeching halt while life continues to march forward. The world around you will change, seasons will pass, and holidays will fly by, but your world may seem to stop. Your brain will be forced to grasp how someone can be present in every way but also physically gone forever – a dissonance that creates significant stress and anxiety .

The first days after the death of your mother are filled with the mechanisms of survival mode: finding the will to shower, making the plans that accompany death, remembering to eat, and reminding yourself to keep breathing. Those days will pass in a blur, and later you may look back at them with little to no memory of what happened – a completely normal reaction to your body's shock.

As you progress through waves of shock and sadness, you may be in awe at the depth of your grief . It can come on gradually and suddenly. There will be triggers you are aware of and may even seek out, just to get a release on the emotions building up in your chest. There will also be triggers that come out of nowhere and stun you into instant sorrow. You will be surprised at how quickly tears form, with no warning.

Physiological Reactions

Physiological reactions like crying, rapid breathing, digestive issues, and more are the body’s natural way of coming to terms with enormous change. Without these reactions, there would be no outlet for emotions that are too intense to handle otherwise. The process of shock is intimately wrapped up in these reactions: Your body is a pro at connecting the logical dots and making things work, but when it’s trying to navigate the abstract nature of powerful grief, it becomes symptomatic.

Your body will do its best to protect you from the immediate, terrorizing pain of your mother’s loss. As part of its shock reaction, you may find yourself behaving normally and wondering why you don’t feel more sadness, anger , or really anything at all. You may be swimming in the depths of numbness and brain fog . You will likely find sleep to be suddenly unpredictable, and your thoughts may become strangers.

When the Numbness Wears Off

The initial numbness of your mother’s death will eventually wear off. It happens in pieces, one wave at a time, and the feelings that follow will be some of the most extreme you'll ever experience. Anger, guilt , resentment, relief, misery, despair — there are no limits to the emotions that will flood your body and mind. Many people wander in and out of shock for months (and sometimes years) as their minds try to work through these emotions while still going through the motions of living.

Once the loss sinks in, you may feel breathtaking loneliness . You may now be the first of the line, staring your own mortality in the face. You are not as removed from death as the presence of your mother led you to believe, and her absence will be glimmering behind every object, every action, and every thought.

essay on death of mother

You will feel suddenly and irrevocably responsible for the future. You may experience a crushing weight of “what if” that leaves you almost breathless. There is no longer a mother to bounce ideas off of, call when you’re upset, or get affirmation from. You’re on your own now. You have to be your own cheerleader, support, and shoulder to cry on — and you have to do it all while continuing to live your best life. The responsibility can be grueling.

While adjusting to your foundation crumbling, your emotions will often turn against you. You will suddenly remember every argument, every wasted moment, and every missed opportunity, and you may experience paralyzing regret.

Just as your mind recognizes there is no going back, your emotions may urge you to take up residence in the past. Despite their futility, guilt and condemnation often become a way to cope with the intense pain of your mother’s death.

Moments of Hope

Though it’s nearly impossible to believe, all will not be negative. You may feel relief, particularly if your mother struggled with chronic conditions that will no longer plague her. You may feel released from the conflict or pressure that came with a caregiving relationship. You may even feel a renewed sense of gratitude for your own life and a sharpened ambition to soak up every minute available to you and your remaining loved ones. Death can knit together as much as it can tear apart.

Your mother’s death will change you. That change is likely the only predictable part of the entire process – a process that will break, overwhelm, and rebuild you. The only way out is through, riding each wave as it comes and, through it all, remembering to breathe and keep moving forward.

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Jamie Cannon MS, LPC

Jamie Cannon, MS, LPC, specializes in the treatment of trauma, anxiety, and grief with populations ranging from children and families to victims of domestic violence.

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How to Cope with the Loss of Your Mother

For many people the loss of their mother is harder than the loss of their father. Not because they loved them any less, but the bond between mother and child is a special one. Your mother gave birth to you. She fed you and nurtured you throughout your childhood. The mother is one who tends to have the most responsibility for the care of the child, and is at home with the children more often than the father in most cases.

Your mother is the one you turn to when you break up with your first boyfriend or girlfriend, when you need advice or when you have a problem. Your mother is not only your greatest advocate, she is part of you. You might even look like her. She might be your best friend as well as your mother. It is like losing a part of yourself.

No-one is ever as interested in everything you do as your mother, or as proud of you.

No one is ever as interested in everything you do as your mother, or as proud of you. Woman staring at the sunrise contemplating loss of her mother.

Grief for your mother is one of the hardest things we face in life

Mothers tend to hold families together. They are the ones who keep in touch with all the family members and spread the news around. They are the ones who arrange get togethers, keep the family home together, and generally are the hub of family life. Once the mother is gone, the family either fragments or you have to step in to her role as the main communicator and organiser.

Even if you didn't have the perfect relationship with your mother, her loss can be just as devastating. You no longer have the chance to put things right, to hear her say I love you, or I'm proud of you.

Although the loss of a parent is a normal part of growing up, and it happens to everyone, it is no less devastating. But many people are surprised at how much it affects them. Their friends and family perhaps won't realise just how big a blow it can be, especially if they were old or ill for a long time and it was expected.

Grief for the death of a mother is one of the hardest things we face in life, but nearly all of us have to face it at some time. Everyone's grief is different, and we all have our own ways of coping. We may feel some or all of the emotions of grief at times, or we might just feel numb and blank.

When I lost my own mother I went into denial.  It was easy to bury what had happened because I was living far away and had two young children to cope with.  Have a read of my story about how I failed to grieve properly here. 

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The importance of support after the loss of your mother

If you are lucky enough to have a close family member or friend in whom you can confide, you may be able to grieve without needing any extra help.  Some people, for various reasons, may need some more professional guidance if they get stuck in their grief or don't have any close support network.  

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Men and women grieve differently, so be aware of this. Don't be too hard on your partner if he or she is not able to give you all the support you need. It is a difficult time for them too, and not everyone knows what to do, or what to say.

Read my article on Men and Grief for more understanding. 

However you are feeling, know that you are not alone. Talk to friends and family. Join a grief support group , but don't be ashamed that you are grieving. It is a natural and normal process, even if it happens to everyone at some point in their lives.

There are lots more helpful articles on the site to guide you on your pathway through grief.  

Related Pages:  

Books on Grief for Loss of your Mother

A Sudoku Led Recovery - The Loss of my 95 Year Old Mother

Losing the Childhood Home when Mother Died

Healing from the Loss of My Mother

This page is dedicated to Stephanie and Simone who lost their beloved mother in 2012

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  • Volume 30, Issue 2
  • “As vast as the world”—reflections on A Very Easy Death by Simone de Beauvoir
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In 1964, Simone de Beauvoir, arguably one of the greatest writers of 20th century Europe, published an account of the final 6 weeks of her mother’s life. It is a beautifully written, raw, honest, and powerful evocation of that period from the viewpoint of a relative. Its themes are universal—love, ambivalence in family ties, loss, and bereavement. Given that the events preceded the modern palliative care movement, reflections are made on differences in medical practice since the book’s publication.

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https://doi.org/10.1136/jmh.2004.000163

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A 78 year old woman has two daughters. She has been widowed for 24 years. She begins to complain of anorexia and intermittent abdominal pain. The symptoms abate. One day she collapses at her home. Her left femur is fractured. She is admitted to hospital. The gastrointestinal symptoms return. After a series of investigations, she is discovered to have a sarcoma involving the small intestine. Soon after, she develops, in rapid succession, an acute bowel obstruction, ruptured viscus, and peritonitis. A laparotomy is performed, pus is drained, and the tumour resected. Complications ensue and she dies four weeks after the operation. At no stage is either her diagnosis or prognosis discussed with her. The time is 1963, the place is Paris, and one of her daughters is Simone de Beauvoir.

Simone de Beauvoir was a leading French writer, philosopher, and feminist. She wrote The Second Sex , a classic text of feminist literature and several volumes of autobiography. The autobiographical volumes include Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter, 1958; The Prime of Life, 1960; Force of Circumstance, 1963 and All Said and Done, 1972. De Beauvoir also wrote fiction (perhaps the best known is The Mandarins , published in 1954) philosophy, travel books, and essays, some of them book length, the best known of which is The Second Sex, 1949. A year after her mother’s death she wrote A Very Easy Death . 1 This book is an extremely personal, indeed intimate account of the death of a woman by her daughter. Madame de Beauvoir was abruptly plunged into a cascade of illness, debility, and finally death and we accompany all parties through the frustrations, false hopes, turmoil, and duplicity of her last weeks. At its heart, the book is about a mother and daughter. But it is also a reflection on suffering, family, faith, and mortality. The insights it gives us as health professionals are fascinating—here we have one of the great minds of 20th Century Europe struggling through, and recording with aching honesty, the terminal phase of her own mother’s life. This paper reflects on the book, but also on medical practice and the changes brought to that practice by the modern palliative care movement.

The book is a narrative and can be read as such. Through that narrative, however, lie several universal themes. They include:

The role of doctors.

Information giving and “betrayal”.

The role of time and change.

Love of life and grief do not respect age.

The power of ritual.

THE DOCTORS

The depictions of doctors in this book are a study in contrasts. When Mme de Beauvoir collapses at home, a doctor in the same set of apartments assists. Her local doctor takes great umbrage that he was not personally called and refuses to see her. A neighbour is appalled: “After the shock and after her night in the hospital, your mother needed comforting by her usual doctor. He wouldn’t listen to a word of it” (De Beauvoir, 1 p 12).

Various hospital doctors are involved with her care and two are described well—Drs P and N. Their styles and capacity for communication are very different. When she develops an acute bowel obstruction, Dr N, who is described as a resuscitation expert, is summoned. When Simone arrives she finds her sister in tears:

“But what’s the good of tormenting her, if she is dying? Let her die in peace”, said Poupette, in tears…Dr N passed by me; I stopped him. White coat, white cap: a young man with an unresponsive face. “Why this tube? Why torture Maman, since there is no hope?” He gave me a withering look. “I am doing what has to be done”. He opened the door. After a moment a nurse told me to come in… “Would you like me to have left that in her stomach?” said N aggressively, showing me the jar full of a yellowish substance. I did not reply. In the corridor he said “At dawn she scarcely had four hours left. I have brought her back to life.” I did not venture to ask him “For what?” (De Beauvoir, 1 pp 27–8)

Later she describes him as “smart, athletic, energetic, infatuated with technique…he had resuscitated Maman with great zeal; but for him she was the subject of an interesting experiment and not a person. He frightened us” (De Beauvoir, 1 p 52). The doing what had to done was coupled with a mechanical, tactless, and detached manner. Late in the illness Simone records:

When she opened her eyes during the day they had an unseeing, glassy look and I thought, “This time it is the end.” She went to sleep again. I asked N, “Is this the end?”“Oh, no!” he said in a half-pitying, half triumphant tone, “she has been revived too well for that!” (De Beauvoir, 1 p 76)

And again later she narrates:

I spent that night beside her. She was as much afraid of the nightmares as she was of pain. When Dr N came she begged, “Let them inject me as often as necessary”…“Ha, ha, you are going to become a real drug-addict!” said N in a bantering tone. “I can supply you with morphia at very interesting rates.” His expression hardened and he said coldly in my direction, “There are two points upon which a self-respecting doctor does not compromise—drugs and abortion” (De Beauvoir, 1 p 79).

It is tempting to view Dr N as a caricature but de Beauvoir does not write in that fashion and otherwise appears to be recording extremely faithfully.

In contrast, Dr P is altogether warmer. Simone states : “I liked Dr P. He did not assume consequential airs; he talked to Maman as though she were a human being and he answered my questions willingly.” 1 When asked, he promised the sisters that their mother would not suffer. Later, after a very poor day of pain they confront him again:

He came and we seized upon him. “You promised she wouldn’t suffer.” “She will not suffer”. He pointed out that if they had wanted to prolong her life at any cost and give her an extra week of martyrdom, another operation would have been necessary, together with transfusions, and resuscitating injections…But this abstention was not enough for us. We asked P, “Will morphia stop the great pains?” “She will be given the doses that are called for.” He had spoken firmly and he gave us confidence. We grew calmer (De Beauvoir, 1 p 82).

“We grew calmer”—would that this were the epitaph of all our careers!

Communication is a crucial part of medical practice. Currently, communication forms part of undergraduate curricula in many countries. One hopes that modern health professionals respond more sensitively to patients and relatives than was the experience of de Beauvoir. Nevertheless, poor, abrupt, and inadequate communication remains an issue. As Lesley Fallowfield, a leading expert in psycho-oncology, states: “many doctors invest considerable energy cultivating a posture of cool detachment on the grounds that it represents the more professional type of response expected of doctors. Unfortunately patients and relatives can view this detached attitude as evasive, cold, and unsympathetic, occurring at just the time that they are in much need of empathy and support.” 2

The other issue pertinent to modern practice is pain and its management. Mme De Beauvoir pleads with the doctor: “Let me be injected as often as necessary”. This entreaty may indeed be a template of the modern approach to analgesia: that pain relief is best provided by regular analgesia with additional (or “breakthrough”) doses when required. In the narrative, the issue of analgesia was further complicated by the fear of addiction. Fear of opioid use continues into the modern era and remains one of the many barriers to adequate analgesia. Concern about opioid addiction, tolerance, and dependence plus unrealistic expectations about precipitating adverse side effects all recur in modern surveys of the attitudes of doctors and nurses to opioids. 3, 4 †

Although certainly not universal, opiophobia is coupled with opioignorance, with survey respondents repeatedly acknowledging that they have received insufficient training in or exposure to pain management. 5

INFORMATION GIVING AND “BETRAYAL”

Throughout the book, Simone is troubled, and often grievously so, by a sense of betrayal of her mother. Firstly, by allowing the operation to occur, and secondly, in being complicit in withholding the diagnosis from her. In the context of the operation, Simone captures perfectly the sense of responsibility relatives feel in these situations, especially when the choices are viewed as extraordinarily bleak:

And that evening too, as I looked at her arm, into which [the intravenous fluid] was flowing a life that was no longer anything but sickness and torment, I asked myself why ?At the nursing home I did not have time to go into it... But when I reached home, all the sadness and horror of these last days dropped upon me with all its weight. And I too had a cancer eating into me—remorse. “Don’t let them operate on her.” And I had not prevented anything. Often, hearing of sick people undergoing a long martyrdom, I had felt indignant at the apathy of their relatives. “For my part, I should kill him.” At the first trial I had given in: beaten by the ethics of society, I had abjured my own. “No,” Sartre said to me. “You were beaten by technique: and that was fatal.” Indeed it was. One is caught up in the wheels and dragged along, powerless in the face of specialists’ diagnoses, their forecasts, their decisions. The patient becomes their property: get him away from them if you can! There were only two things to choose between on that Wednesday—operating or euthanasia. Maman, vigorously resuscitated, and having a strong heart, would have stood out against intestinal stoppage for a long while and she would have lived through hell, for the doctors would have refused euthanasia…A race had begun between death and torture. I asked myself how one manages to go on living when someone you love has called out to you “Have pity on me” in vain (De Beauvoir, 1 pp 56–8).

Neither the diagnosis nor the prognosis is ever discussed with Mme de Beauvoir. It is a duplicity that is initiated by the doctors but thereafter everyone is complicit. For Simone it constitutes a betrayal. After the operation they ask the surgeon: “But what shall we say to Maman when the disease starts again, in another place?” “Don’t worry about that. We shall find something to say. We always do. And the patient always believes it” (De Beauvoir, 1 p 45). Even when her mother asks the question: “Do you think I shall come through?” Simone scolds her (De Beauvoir, 1 p 65) and immediately regrets it:

My unfair harshness wrung my heart. At the time the truth was crushing her and when she needed to escape from it by talking, we were condemning her to silence; we forced her to say nothing about her anxieties and to suppress her doubts: as it had so often happened in her life, she felt both guilty and misunderstood. But we had no choice: hope was her most urgent need (De Beauvoir, 1 p 66).

Even though Simone never betrayed this conspiracy of silence she railed against it and clearly saw what openness could bring and what silence could lead to:

…all this odious deception! Maman thought that we were with her, next to her; but we were already placing ourselves on the far side of her history. An evil all-knowing spirit, I could see behind the scenes, while she was struggling, far, far away, in human loneliness. Her desperate eagerness to get well, her patience, her courage—it was all deceived. She would not be paid for any of her sufferings at all... Despairingly, I suffered a transgression that was mine without my being responsible for it and one that I could never expiate (De Beauvoir, 1 p 58).

This silence is maintained and preserved to such an extent that in the very hour of their mother’s death, Simone’s sister is compelled to respond to an explicit entreaty by her mother:

…she murmured in a rather thick voice, “We must…keep…back…desh.”“We must keep back the desk ?”“No,” said Maman. “Death.” Stressing the word death very strongly. She added, “I don’t want to die”.“But you are better now!” [said Poupette] (De Beauvoir, 1 p 88).

Professional and public attitudes to non-disclosure of diagnosis and collusion between relatives and health professionals have, in many countries, changed significantly since the events narrated in this book. There is clear evidence that most North American and European patients wish to be informed about a diagnosis of cancer, 6– 8 and health professionals have changed their practice to reflect these expectations. There is also, however, significant evidence from other cultures that suggests that non-disclosure and collusion with families are common practice. Some cultures perceive the disclosure as a harmful act, violating the principle of non-maleficence. 9, 10 Brurea et al surveyed palliative care specialists in French speaking Europe, South America (Argentina and Brazil) and Canada. All the clinicians said they would personally like to be told the truth about their own terminal illness. Whereas 93% of Canadians physicians thought the majority of their patients would wish to know, only 26% of European and 18% of South American clinicians thought so. 11 Many Chinese families object to telling the patient a “bad” diagnosis or prognosis and doctors in mainland China often inform the family members instead of the patient. 12, 13

PALLIATIVE CARE

A further dilemma reflected upon in the book is the stark choice de Beauvoir sees confronting her mother, between “operating or euthanasia” and then, postoperatively, “between death and torture”. In retrospect, a third alternative was palliative care. The events of the narrative preceded the modern palliative care movement. Indeed, it was precisely clinical situations such as this narrative reveals, and the recognition of the inadequacy of symptom control and end of life care that motivated the pioneers of that movement. That movement’s founding and primary aim is to care for all people with life threatening illnesses and their families. The most recent definition of palliative care by the World Health Organization includes the objective of “early identification and impeccable assessment and treatment of pain and other problems, physical, psychosocial and spiritual”. Palliative care, as practised today would have been perfect for the situation described: better symptom control, anticipation of worsening symptoms, attention to the psychosocial and spiritual needs of the patient, and assisting the relatives in the vigil leading to the patient’s death. Indeed, this book would provide a useful teaching exercise in palliative care education. Among many questions that the narrative raises, one that could be posed to students would be: how would a modern palliative care service deal with the challenges faced by the patient and her family?

TIME AND CHANGE

Mme de Beauvoir had an unhappy childhood. She brought at least some of that unhappiness into her role as a mother. Simone describes her mother as difficult, possessive, and overbearing. “Her love for us was deep as well as exclusive, and the pain it caused us as we submitted to it was a reflection of her own conflicts…With regard to us, she often displayed a cruel unkindness that was more thoughtless than sadistic: her desire was not to cause us unhappiness but to prove her own power to herself” (De Beauvoir, 1 p 40). Simone pictures her as an unhappy woman who struggled with both her desires and her daughters:

Thinking against oneself often bears fruit; but with my mother it was another question again—she lived against herself. She had appetites in plenty: she spent all her strength in repressing them and she underwent this denial in anger. In her childhood her body, her heart and her mind had been squeezed into an armour of principles and prohibitions. She had been taught to pull the laces hard and tight herself. A full blooded, spirited woman lived on inside her, but a stranger to herself, deformed and mutilated (De Beauvoir, 1 pp 42–3).

However, a strange thing happens. As Simone visits her mother she notices changes in her mother, changes in herself, and finally an outpouring of love and grief that is both powerful and unexpected. For the first period of her illness, Mme de Beauvoir remains difficult and emotionally demanding, but then, vulnerable and recovering, glimpses of another self emerge:

What touched our hearts that day was the way she noticed the slightest agreeable sensation: it was as though, at the age of seventy eight, she were waking afresh to the miracle of living. While the nurse was settling her pillows the metal of a tube touched her thigh—“It’s cool! How pleasant!” She breathed in the smell of eau de Cologne and talcum powder—“How good it smells”…She asked us to raise the curtain that was covering the window and she looked at the golden leaves of the trees. “How lovely. I shouldn’t see that from my flat!” She smiled. And both of us, my sister and I, had the same thought: it was that same smile that had dazzled us when we were little children, the radiant smile of a young woman. Where had it been between then and now? (De Beauvoir, 1 p 50)

The softening continues.

Her illness had quite broken the shell of her prejudices and her pretensions: perhaps because she no longer needed these defences. No question of renunciation or sacrifice any more: her first duty was to get better and so to look after herself; giving herself up to her own wishes and her own pleasures with no holding back, she was at last freed from resentment. Her restored beauty and her recovered smile expressed her inner harmony and, on this deathbed, a kind of happiness (De Beauvoir, 1 p 60).

Finally, after days of sitting with her mother Simone reflects:

I had grown very fond of this dying woman. As we talked in the half darkness I assuaged an old unhappiness; I was renewing the dialogue that had been broken off during my adolescence and that our differences and our likenesses had never allowed us to take up again. And the early tenderness that I thought dead for ever came to life again, since it had become possible for it to slip into simple words and actions (De Beauvoir, 1 p 76).

GRIEF AND LOVE OF LIFE DO NOT NECESSARILY RESPECT AGE

Mme de Beauvoir is 78 years old. Her daughter is content, almost as a reflex, to initially consider this is “of an age to die”. Age, however, is irrelevant. Her mother was aware of this much earlier than her daughter. Simone writes of her mother: “She believed in heaven, but in spite of her age, her feebleness, and her poor health, she clung ferociously to this world, and she had an animal dread of death” (De Beauvoir, 1 p 14).

It was that ferocity that her daughter came to understand. Her mother’s loss she came to see as a form of defeat where time and age were irrelevant. After the funeral she reflects on how empty is the sentiment “they are of an age to die”:

The sadness of the old; their banishment: most of them do not think that this age has yet come for them. I too made use of this cliché, and that when I was referring to my mother. I did not understand that one might sincerely weep for a relative, a grandfather aged seventy or more. If I met a woman of fifty overcome with sadness because she had just lost her mother, I thought her neurotic: we are all mortal; at eighty you are quite old enough to be one of the dead…But it is not true. You do not die from being born, nor from having lived, nor from old age. You die from something . The knowledge that because of her age my mother’s life must soon come to an end did not lessen the horrible surprise: she had sarcoma. Cancer, thrombosis, pneumonia: it is as violent and unforeseen as an engine stopping in the middle of the sky... There is no such thing as a natural death: nothing that happens to a man is ever natural, since his presence calls the world into question. All men must die: but for every man his death is an accident and, even if he knows it and consents to it, an unjustifiable violation (De Beauvoir, 1 pp 105–6).

In one sense, the book is a daily description of a vigil—a 6 weeks long wait by their mother’s bedside. For both Simone and her sister the vigil becomes their reality. As doctors we have all witnessed this aspect of the dying process—the daily visits by relatives and friends, the harried looks as they search for any changes, however small or transient in their loved one, the sleepless nights either at home or next to the patient in the hospital or hospice, the whispered family discussions, the long periods of inactivity, the shared silence. De Beauvoir captures well the heightened sense of reality that comes with the intensity of the wait and also the sense that, throughout this long period, nothing else matters:

The world has shrunk to the size of her room: when I crossed Paris in a taxi I saw nothing more than a stage with extras walking on it. My real life took place at her side, and it had only one aim—protecting her. In the night the slightest sound seemed huge to me—the rustling of Mademoiselle Cournot’s paper, the purring of the electric motor. I walked in stockinged feet in the daytime. The coming and going on the staircase, and overhead, shattered my ears. The din of the wheeled tables that went by on the landing…loaded with clattering metal trays, cans and bowls, seemed to me scandalous” (De Beauvoir, 1 p 76).

Equally, de Beauvoir depicts how her view of her world, even outside the confines of the hospital, has changed irrevocably:

I had the feeling of play acting wherever I went. When I spoke to an old friend …the liveliness of my voice seemed to me phoney: when with perfect truth I observed “That was very good” to the manager of a restaurant, I had the impression of telling a white lie. At other times it was the outside world that seemed to be acting a part. I saw a hotel as a nursing-home; I took the chambermaids for nurses; and the restaurant waitresses too—they were making me follow a course of treatment that consisted of eating. I looked at people with a fresh eye, obsessed by the complicated system of tubes that was concealed under their clothing. Sometimes I myself turned into a lift-and-force pump or into a sequence of pockets and guts (De Beauvoir, 1 pp 74–5).

THE RITUAL OF DEATH

Once their mother had died the shock came in waves, and often unexpectedly, for both of her daughters. Returning to the hospital on the morning after her death they face an empty room. Their world for the past weeks was literally bare:

Once again we climbed the stairs, opened the two doors: the bed was empty…on the whiteness of the sheet there was nothing. Foreseeing is not knowing: the shock was as violent as though we had not expected it at all (De Beauvoir, 1 p 96).

Throughout the book de Beauvoir honestly concedes that a purely material or rationalist approach to the dying and death of her mother neither does nor should apply. Even with the immediate aftermath of her mother’s death, Simone finds regret:

But I did reproach myself for having abandoned her body too soon. She, and my sister too, said “A corpse no longer means anything”. Yet it was her flesh, her bones, and for some time still her face. With my father I had stayed by him until the time he became a mere thing for me: I tamed the transition between presence and the void. With Maman I went away almost immediately after having kissed her, and that was why it seemed to me that it was still her that was lying, all alone, in the cold of the mortuary (De Beauvoir, 1 p 97).

This sense of the unique, the individual, even the sacred extends beyond their mother’s body to simple, even prosaic objects:

As we looked at her straw bag, filled with balls of wool and an unfinished piece of knitting…her scissors, her thimble, emotion rose up and drowned us. Everyone knows the power of things: life solidified in them, more immediately present than in any one of its instants. They lay there on my table, orphaned, useless, waiting to turn into rubbish or to find another identity… (De Beauvoir, 1 p 98).

De Beauvoir concludes that what they face is not rational:

It is useless to try to integrate life and death and to behave rationally in the presence of something that is not rational: each must manage as well as he can in the tumult of his feelings. I can understand all last wishes and the total absence of them: the hugging of the bones or the abandonment of the body of the one you love to the common grave (De Beauvoir, 1 p 98).

Inevitably, de Beauvoir reflects at the end of the book on the events of the prior months. Equally such reflection centres on the rapidity of the disease and her role as her mother’s daughter. There are layers of self reproach and balancing out “respite” and “remorse”:

And is one to be sorry that the doctors brought her back to life and operated, or not? She, who did not want to lose a single day, “won” thirty: they brought her joys; but they also brought her anxiety and suffering. Since she did escape from the martyrdom that I sometimes thought was hanging over her, I cannot decide for her. For my sister, losing Maman the very day she saw her again would have been a shock from which she would scarcely have recovered. And as for me? Those four weeks have left me pictures, nightmares, sadnesses that I should never have known if Maman had died that Wednesday morning. But I cannot measure the disturbance that I should have felt since my sorrow broke out in a way that I had not foreseen (De Beauvoir, 1 pp 93–4).

Illness and death brought to an aching, almost exquisite, focus the importance and the place of her mother. In describing this she eloquently stated the complexity of all close relationships—the uniqueness, the joys, and the regrets:

We did derive an undoubted good from this respite [after the operation]; it saved us, or almost saved us, from remorse. When someone you love dies you pay for the sin of outliving her with a thousand piercing regrets. Her death brings to light her unique quality; she grows as vast as the world that her absence annihilates for her and whose whole existence was caused by her being there; you feel that she should have had more room in your life—all the room, if need be. You snatch yourself away from this wildness: she was only one among many (De Beauvoir, 1 p 94).

The regrets are finally balanced against the closeness, intimacy, and solicitude of the final weeks:

But since you never do all you might for anyone—not even within the arguable limits that you have set yourself—you have plenty of room left for self reproach. With regard to Maman we were all guilty, these last years, of carelessness, omission, and abstention. We felt that we atoned for this by the days that we gave up to her, by the peace that our being there gave her, and by the victories gained over fear and pain. Without our obstinate watchfulness she would have suffered far more (De Beauvoir, 1 p 94).

The book raises many points for reflection. In terms of clinical practice, the themes of adequacy of symptom control, opiophobia, sensitivity and clarity in communication and disclosure versus collusion, remain as relevant today as they did then. Certainly our capacity to meet those challenges has developed significantly. As a piece of literature this book is beautifully written. As an account of one individual’s terminal illness it superbly captures the rhythms of the progression of a disease. As a reflection by a daughter on her mother it is strikingly honest and raw. The illness and death of Mme de Beauvoir brought an extraordinary array of emotions to the surface, for many of which Simone was unprepared. In confronting those, de Beauvoir gives the reader, medical or otherwise, an insight into the universal currents that flow through all our lives both personally and professionally—the sadness of loss, the ambivalence and complexity of children’s relations with their parents, the solace that comes with time and reflection, the uniqueness of all lives, and the sense of violation when that life has ceased. It is that testimony and those insights that make this a document of great richness.

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↵ † For a comprehensive list of the reasons why physicians underprescribe analgesics see A M Martino. 4

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Personal Grief and Loss Essay

Introduction.

The complicated nature of life explains why grieving is a necessary process. The loss of a beloved person can trigger numerous emotions such as guilt, anger, disbelief, and sadness. Coping with sudden death can result in a major challenge. It is agreeable that most of these reactions and emotional responses to loss are natural. That being the case, people should help one another throughout the mourning process in order to find new meaning and move on with life. Those who are in emotional pain should also be allowed to cry in order to support the healing process. The death of my favorite aunt affected me significantly. After the event, it took me five days to accept the fact that my aunt was gone. The purpose of this paper, therefore, is to give a personal experience of loss, grief, and mourning following my aunt’s untimely demise.

The most memorable loss occurred when I was 21 years of age. This was after the death of my maternal aunt. She was only 10 years older. Her untimely death occurred when I was in the United States. Our age gap explains why we used to be close to one another. We could do many things together and support each other. She was shot four times while in Colombia and died instantly.

Although it was hard to explain the circumstances that led to her death, forensic investigations revealed that she had been murdered by robbers for an unknown reason. The victim was a mother-figure to me. As an aunt, she guided, empowered, and encouraged me to pursue most of my dreams. This analysis shows that I was emotionally close to her.

After the loss, I experienced numerous emotional, spiritual, and psychological challenges. Such feelings occurred for several weeks after my aunt’s death. Several reasons can be presented to support this argument. The first one is that I was unable to pursue my goals. This development made it hard for me to meet the needs of my underage daughter. The second example is that I become stressed and troubled. This emotional response occurred after I received the news of her death. The third example is that I was unable to interact with other people. This means that my social competencies were affected greatly. After the death, it took me five days to accept the fact that she was gone. Throughout this period, I could dial her cell-phone number to confirm that she was not with us anymore. This was the case because I felt stressed and discontented with everything in life. The pain in my body was also unbearable.

I was unable to focus on my spiritual goals and mental status. However, I managed to cope with the loss after several months due to the support received from different family members. For instance, my husband was helpful throughout this troubling period. It should also be observed that my failure to attend her funeral might have affected my healing process. This is the reason why individuals who have lost their beloved ones should be advised, guided, and supported accordingly.

My mourning process affected the people around me in a number of ways. For instance, I was not able to support or raise up my young daughter. I was also unable to interact freely with my husband and relatives. I also found it hard to interact with my colleagues, relatives, and friends. The good news was that most of my family members were helpful during this emotional period. This was the case because they empowered me to deal with my grief and be in a position to pursue my aims. They were also keen to console and encourage me to remain strong. It is also worth noting that none of the persons around me was hurtful during the time.

The major rituals considered during the time of loss were prayers and fasting. These practices are known to support the mourning process (Burke & Neimeyer, 2014). I also began to smoke as a way of getting rid of stress. I used different links to feel connected to the deceased person. For instance, my grandmother managed to send my aunt’s graduation ring to me. I always wear the ring as a grim reminder of my beloved aunt. I also possess the clothes she was wearing at the time of the murder. I have never washed them and they are bloodstains.

Holdsworth (2015) asserts that human beings use various techniques to manage their lamentation processes. The first technique that can be used to describe my mourning process is that of writing (Eyetsemitan, 2017). It is evident that my aunt had written a letter to me. Due to the nature of her death, I had not responded to her letter. This is something that has been haunting me over the years. I also have many things in my heart that I was never given the opportunity to say to my aunt. For instance, I did not tell her how she was loved and missed. I have many photographs that remind me of our experiences together.

I strongly believed that a number of rituals can still help with the loss today. For instance, I would be happy to be given a chance to visit her grave. I would mourn and pray on her grave in order to complete my mourning process. Personally, I think that the intensity of my loss could not be sensationalized by the media. This is the reason why I decided to engage in smoking. These aspects show conclusively that my mourning process was complicated (Burke & Neimeyer, 2014). This argument can be supported by the fact that it is several years after the loss and I am yet to heal completely. I also experienced intense rumination, pain, and sorrow during the period. The decision to hold on to her belongings also explains why the process was complicated.

It is agreeable that this loss occurred at a time when I was not aware of the nature of suffering (Hordan & Litz, 2014). With more knowledge, I would have kept myself busy, interacted with more people, and read different materials to support the mourning process. I would have also attended her funeral in order to stop feeling guilty.

There are various complicated mourning issues that have kept me stuck in my mourning process. The first one is that it has taken me many years to be in a position to talk about my aunt. It has been hard for me to accept the fact that she is no longer around us. The second issue is that minor events or memories can trigger intense or painful reactions (Worden, 2008). Sometimes I can start to cry after remembering her.

This course has made it easier for me to learn a number of things about myself. The first observation is that the loss of a close relative or friend can affect me negatively. Such an occurrence can make it hard for me to achieve my goals or interact with others. The second lesson is that I can address most of my emotional and psychological challenges. This is the case because I managed to deal with this loss successfully. It is also clear that I have gained numerous ideas and concepts about mourning from this course. For instance, I have known that individuals should be guided and empowered throughout the period (Eyetsemitan, 2017). People should also be allowed to cry and mourn throughout their lamentation periods.

My discussion shows clearly that my aunt was like a sister to me and a big confidant who supported everything I was doing. This means that she was always close to me. Since she was young, we used to share ideas and live like sisters. Despite these feelings of pain and anguish, it should be observed that the mourning process empowered me to develop better concepts that can be used to support others. The ideas gained from this course can also meet the needs of persons who have lost their friends or relatives. My experience after the loss of my aunt echoes most of the challenges faced by many mourning persons. It is, therefore, necessary for those who are in grief to keep themselves busy and interact with others to prevent any suicidal thoughts. Mourners should also never be avoided. Consequently, these lessons will empower me to guide others in the future.

Burke, L. A., & Neimeyer, R. A. (2014). Spiritual distress in bereavement: Evolution of a research program. Religions, 5, 1087-1115. Web.

Eyetsemitan, F. (2017). Employee grief, workplace culture, and implications for worker productivity and psychopathology. Acta Psychopathologica, 3 (4), 1-3. Web.

Holdsworth, M. (2015). Bereaved carers’ accounts of the end of life and the role of care providers in a ‘good death’: A qualitative study. Palliative Medicine, 29 (9), 834-841.

Hordan, A. H., & Litz, B. T. (2014). Prolonged grief disorder: Diagnostic, assessment, and treatment considerations. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 45 (3), 180-187. Web.

Worden, J. W. (2008). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (4th ed.). New York, NY: Springer Publishing.

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Bibliography

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Sympathy Message Ideas

How to Write a Tribute for a Mother Who Passed Away (5 Examples)

Losing a mother is one of the most difficult experiences in life. But writing a tribute that honor’s your mothers memory can bring some real comfort and closure.

When I wrote a tribute for my mother after losing her I found the process of writing very cathartic. It helped me to remember what a wonderful person she was and the good times I had with her.

You can also use your tribute or sections of it in a eulogy or as part of the funeral or memorial service.

So if you want to write a tribute to your mom but aren’t sure how keep reading. The tips and examples here will help you to write your own meaningful tribute to your late mother and to say goodbye .

Table of Contents

How to Write a Tribute to a Mother

There are some easy steps you can take to get your tribute perfect. You don’t have to include all of the following but it will give you some good ideas and a starting point if you want to write your own.

If you want to see some sample tributes then click here to scroll down and past these steps .

Choose the Right Tone

The first thing you should do is decide the tone your tribute is going to take. This will depend on your relationship with your mother. These are a few examples of how you may want your tribute to sound.

  • Warm and affectionate – if your mother was your best friend and close confidante then a warm and sentimental tone would be fitting. You might share your fondest memories of here you have and the ways she made you feel loved.
  • Respectful and reverent – on the other hand if your relationship was more formal then you could go for a respectful and admiring tone. This would allow you to highlight your mother’s strengths and virtues and focus on her accomplishments.
  • Honest and candid – often our relationships with our parents are complex. If that was the case then don’t gloss over those difficulties. An open and truthful tone that acknowledges both the highs and lows can be just as meaningful as one that is all positive.
  • Hopeful and grateful – Even if your grief is raw then it might be good to try and at least end your tribute looking forward with some hope. Maybe showing appreciation for all your mom did.

Use Meaningful Anecdotes

An anecdote or story that gives some insight into your mothers personality or the relationship you had is always good to include. This can bring your tribute to life and really make others understand the type of person your mom was.

Some examples of anecdotes you could use:

  • A time she gave you advice that you still live by today.
  • Inside jokes or silly memories that show her humor and warmth.
  • A favorite ritual or tradition you shared. Something like baking Christmas cookies together or a trip you always took.

Be as specific as you can and include lots of details. You want the memories to be as vivid as possible so describe everything you remember.

Highlight Her Accomplishments

What achievements made your mother proud? Think about the accomplishments that she was pleased with.

Things like educational degrees, career highlights, creative talents or any community service she did. Anything that you know she found fulfilling and showed pride in.

For example: “Mom was the first female engineer at her company and loved mentoring younger women entering the field.”

But also don’t overlook what might be considered more mundane. If she was proud of the family she raised then mention that – “Raising four children and managing a household was mom’s greatest accomplishment.”

Describe Her Positive Qualities

A tribute should focus on the positive aspects of the person, in this case your mother. So talk about her strengths and what made her special.

For instance you could say: “Mom faced every challenge with courage and determination. Even when diagnosed with cancer, she stayed positive.”

But it doesn’t have to be something sad or related to her death. Things like loyalty, kindness, patience, how fun loving she was etc. are all qualities you can mention in your tribute.

Here’s a few more examples of what else you could include:

  • “Mom treated everyone with such kindness, no one had a bad word to say about her.”
  • “No matter the situation mom managed to find the positives. She was so upbeat and enjoyed life to the fullest.”
  • “I always knew I could turn to my mom whenever I was struggling. She had such wisdom and her advice helped me through some of the hardest times.”

Pick a Meaningful Quote

This isn’t a necessity, and some may prefer not to, but consider including an appropriate quote. One that reflects the love of a mother and child.

For example:

  • “There is nothing as sincere as a mother’s kiss.” – Saleem Sharma
  • “A mother’s arms are more comforting than anyone else’s.” – Princess Diana
  • “Life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face.” – George Eliot

Or alternatively choose a quote from literature, movies etc. your mother loved. Introduce it by saying why it reminds you of her or talk about why it meant so much to her – it was from her favorite film, writer etc.

These quotes about losing a loved one are a good starting point or see all our quotes for more ideas.

Close with a Tribute

Most tributes finish by directly addressing the person they are about. So speak to your mother and sum up her lasting impact.

These are a few closing tribute ideas:

  • “You were the heart of our family, Mom, and that heart will never stop beating within us.”
  • “I hope I can be as strong, caring and giving as you were. You set an amazing example for us all.”
  • “Your guidance, wisdom and love made me who I am today. I hope to pass those gifts to my own children someday.”
  • “While we may be grieving your loss your spirit lives on in your children and grandchildren.”
  • “We miss you every day but your memory guides and comforts us.”

For more ideas see these tribute messages for loved one’s .

How to Write a Tribute if You had a Difficult Relationship

If you and your mom didn’t get on well or your relationship was complicated it can be hard to write a fitting tribute. You may have mixed feelings and be unsure of how to properly express them.

A good way to work around those concerns are to focus on the positive memories you do have, even if they are small moments. Or you could highlight her virtues, talking about things like her strength and resilience when faced with adversity.

For most of us the mother-child connection remains, even when fractured. You can honor what your mom meant to you by being honest and acknowledging your complex relationship while still reflecting on the impact she had one your life.

Remember that grief comes in many forms – a troubled relationship does not diminish your loss. So your tribute should reflect your truths.

Sample Tributes for Mother

If you’re still unsure of what to put in your mothers tribute these samples that take different approaches should help.

Sample 1 – Warm, Affectionate Tone

Our beloved matriarch, Helen Jones, passed away last month at the age of 87. Mom was the heart and soul of our family. A constant source of love, wisdom and encouragement. I can still feel the warmth of her hugs and her infectious laugh even now. And she had a smile that was so radiant and lit up every room she entered.

From childhood through adulthood Mom and I shared a bond that was special. She was my the person I knew I could turn to, confide in and look for help when I needed it. Basically she was my best friend. When I was scared, she soothed me. When I achieved success, she cheered louder than anyone. And when I struggled it was her who lifted me up with a faith in me that never wavered.

And family meant so much to her. She had a gift for making every family occasion magical, especially Christmas. Some of my most treasured memories are of baking cookies, decorating the tree and curling up in mom’s lap as she read “Twas the Night Before Christmas.”. The holidays will never be the same without her.

While we mourn mom’s passing we take comfort knowing her legacy lives on through her children and grandchildren. I will be forever grateful for the unconditional love she gave me. Her kindness and warmth touched everyone she met. Losing her leaves an ache in our hearts, but also inspiration to live up to her beautiful example.

warm sample tribute for a mother

Sample 2 – Respectful, Grateful Tone

Dr. Sophie Roberts, beloved mother, grandmother and groundbreaking scientist, passed away on January 5th at age 78. She lived a full and vibrant life defined by her intellectual curiosity, pioneering research and love for her family.

Dr. Roberts was a molecular biologist who made critical contributions to understanding RNA. She authored over 100 research papers and won numerous awards, including the National Medal of Science for her advances in genetics. She was especially proud when one of her discoveries led to a major breakthrough in treating leukemia.

While Dr. Roberts achieved so much professionally she always put family first. Whether it be a sporting every, play or graduation ceremony, she never missed a single one. She was always encouraging and helping her children to dream as big as they could. The scientific knowledge she passed on was so valuable but above all it is the love and support she gave that we will remember most.

Mom lived a life guided by determination and discipline. She was our role model and exemplified hard work, excellence and perseverance. While her absence is felt so deeply her principles and caring examples she set continue to guide us. We will always be grateful for the full, rich life she led and the time we had together. Your spirit lives on, Mom, through all you taught us.

Sample 3 – Honest and Candid Tone

Our relationship was complicated, but I always knew deep down that you loved me, mom. We clashed often as I was growing up. You had such high expectations for me and I felt like they were impossible to reach. It weighed heavy on me and I struggled to deal with that pressure. And we had our fair share of arguments over the years. But now you’re gone all I can think about is how much you sacrificed for me and that you only wanted me to have the best.

You worked three jobs to make sure I had everything I needed. I never went without, even when money was tight. And you always supported my interests, whether that was driving me to piano lessons or rehearsals for plays. It didn’t matter when they were or how exhausted you were from work, you made sure I got there. I know I didn’t say it enough, or at all, but I was so proud to call you my mother.

We had our differences, of that there’s no doubt, but your actions spoke louder than words. You may not have shown your love through words but you did instead through sacrifice. I admire you so much for the hardships you went through to raise me right. I wish we had more time together to mend fences. But I know you’re still watching over me and I am going to make sure I live a life that would make you proud.

Sample 4 – Hopeful and Grateful Tone

Losing you so suddenly Mom has left us all devastated. Not having you around and the pain of your passing is still raw. Our family will never be whole again with you gone. But even in such grief we can strive to find comfort in all the wonderful memories we shared over the years.

Like our yearly beach trips, where we built sandcastles, collected shells and watched the sunset over the ocean. And all those times you cheered so loud at my basketball games you drowned out every other parent. Or when you swallowed your fear of flying just to visit me in college.

Your love was like the ocean – vast, powerful and constant. You gave so much and asked for nothing in return. And while you may no longer be with us we feel your love still burning as strongly in our hearts and memories.

I miss you every single moment, mom. But I know you’ll always be with me, your spirit by my side and supporting me like you did in life. We will all honor your memory by following your generous and kind example and trying to do as much good as you did.

hopeful example tribute for a mother

Sample 5 – Reverent and Respectful Tone

On February 19th we lost our beloved mother, Andrea Carter, at the blessed age of 94. She lived an extraordinary life defined by serving others and a wisdom we all benefited from. Her faith was an ever present throughout her life and so important to her.

Andrea set an example of what it means to walk with God. She volunteered tirelessly with the church and could always be counted on to provide meals and support to those in need. She could lift the spirits of everyone she met through an overflowing of compassion and kindness.

Andrea faced many of life’s challenges with grace, courage and humility. Even into her 90’s she maintained fierce independence, wit and lust for life that was inspiring to all who knew her. Her mind remained sharp as a tack and she took great joy in being with her many grandchildren and great grandchildren.

While we grieve her passing we can find solace in Andrea’s faith. She is in the arms of the Lord now. We will honor Andrea’s beautiful soul by following the example she set – loving with all her heart, selflessly serving others and walking faithfully with God.

Writing a tribute for a mother is never going to be easy. Emotions will be raw, you’ll still probably be grieving and will have to think of those most cherished memories you had with your mom.

But while it may take its toll you can take some comfort knowing your words will contribute to memorializing her memory. And being able to pay tribute to someone as special as your mom will be a big part of the grieving process.

So honor her life and all she meant to you with a fitting tribute.

Grief Support

For more help and support when dealing with losing a loved one and grief that follows these resources are worth checking out:

  • Cruse Bereavement Support – this article the crude bereavement charity talks through how to cope with the death of a parent .
  • The Motherless Podcast – writer and stand up comic Kelly Ford had a podcast that looks at the relationship and special grief we feel when we lose our mother.

how to write a tribute for a mother

Sally Collins is a writer and the founder and owner of Sympathy Message Ideas. Her passion is to help others deal with grief and provide assistance with talking to those grieving.  Learn more about Sally .

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I Asked My Mom if She Was Prepared to Die

Then I talked to some end-of-life experts. Here’s what I found out.

By Shaina Feinberg and Julia Rothman

Shaina is a writer and filmmaker who interviewed her mother for this story. Julia is an illustrator.

essay on death of mother

Recently, I had the following conversation with my 82-year-old mother, Mary:

Me: Are you prepared to die? My mom: Not really. But I am prepared with my paperwork.

You might be wondering why I was asking my mom about her end-of-life preparedness. Well, when my dad, Paul, died suddenly a few years ago, we were completely unprepared.

“Dad and I never talked about what he wanted for his funeral,” my mom said. “He was 74 when he died, and he was in pretty good shape.”

On top of everything she had to do when he died, like planning the funeral, there was also the stress of finances and paperwork. “We had a joint checking account, but it didn’t have a lot of money. Our other bank account had more money, but was only in his name. I had to get that sorted out, which took ages.”

The most helpful advice my mom got when my dad died? “My best friend, Fran, told me, ‘Get a lot of death certificates because you’re going to have to send them to people and sometimes they don’t want a Xerox, they want the real thing.’ I got 15 death certificates from the funeral parlor.”

Preparing to die is complicated. How’s that for an understatement? You have to consider the emotional, spiritual and financial aspects. We talked to three end-of-life experts who unpacked how to make this extensive undertaking slightly more manageable.

According to a survey by Ethos , fewer than half of Americans have discussed their end-of-life plans with loved ones. Yet having these conversations is important, said Sarah Chavez, executive director of the nonprofit the Order of the Good Death, which provides resources to learn about and plan for death.

“These talks can be awkward,” Ms. Chavez said, “but by planning and talking about these things, it’s such a gift for the family that’s left behind.”

While you’re thinking about what to do with your body, you’ll also want to consider what to do with your stuff. “At a baseline, everybody should have a couple documents that are in effect while you’re alive,” said Michael Pevney, an estate planning lawyer with a practice in California. (He also makes videos about estate planning on TikTok.)

No matter what you decide to do with your body or your stuff, you will need someone to carry out your requests.

If you’re unwilling to ask your loved ones about their death preparations, there are other ways to broach the subject. “The easiest way is to open the family photo album and start having conversations about the people in the pictures,” said Joél Simone Maldonado, a funeral director and death educator. “The conversation always turns to what people did or didn’t like about a funeral or grieving process.” Mrs. Maldonado suggests using those conversations as a springboard to ask questions about what people’s end-of-life hopes are. And take notes.

The only upside to being so unprepared for my dad’s death is that now my mom is super prepared. “I have several folders in a cabinet that have all the things you should do when I die,” she said. “I’ve listed you as power of attorney, so you can write a check for the funeral.* I’ve paid for my gravesite already. I’ll be next to Dad, under the same gravestone.”

*This would be if my mom was on her deathbed. Once she dies, the power of attorney becomes void. There are several ways to deal with paying for the funeral, one of which is to be a joint account holder on her bank account. Which I am.

When I asked my mom how she feels looking at the empty side of the gravestone, she said: “There’s my side. I have a place! Oh, and remember,” she added, “I’ve always wanted a mariachi band at my funeral.” Noted.

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Good Example Of The Death Of His Mother Essay

Type of paper: Essay

Topic: Family , Experience , Morality , World , Life , Religion , Church , Women

Words: 1700

Published: 03/17/2020

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Philosophy is an experience

The experiences that Marcel faced in life made him to have a perception that philosophy is truly an experience. Marcel lived in a time when the world faced the worst ever experiences; the world wars. With an unfit body to join the military, Marcel was deemed to join the Red Cross. He worked as a Red Cross official for the better part of the WW1. His job was to obtain news from the wounded and the missing soldiers. It is these experiences in life that changed Marcel view on the world and how he viewed philosophy. During the war, Marcel developed empathy. Rather than working for money or any other financial gain, he worked in the service of his nation. He helped the helpless, the wounded and helped in the collection of information on the missing persons. It is during this tenure that Marcel started to develop an interest in telepathy. He realized that the human mind is capable of experience other than the five senses. Marcel was a cautious man though to avoid materializing representation of thoughts. It is during his work at the Red Cross that Marcel realized the challenges that people face in communication. The experience he had with “Clio” the nickname Adolphe gave to his wife, Marcel realized that at times people might feel very uncomfortable with other people around. The presence of a person in one’s life can come with both grace and disgrace. He realized that communication is inexplicable within the bounds of normal experience. Experience from the services made Marcel understand that errors are common, human beings are never perfect.

The death of Marcel’s mother marked the beginning of his memory. Marcel’s mother died while he was still in a very tender age. This made Marcel to face different challenges in life. With the different challenges, Marcel decided to investigate on the challenges that people face in life. The experience left in Marcel after the death was a deep experiential deposit. His early recognition of the spiritual enduring motivated him to investigate on the paranormal experience. These challenges made him know the differences between the paranormal and the hypothetical phenomenon. He knew what the real world mean. He could differentiate facts from fictions. It is for the love of his mother whom he lost very early that motivated Marcel to write the play, le Monde casse. In the play, after Christine learns that Jacques has died, she gets hurt. Jacques was the first love of Lawrence who was at the same time dating Christine. Though, Jacques and Christine were never in good terms, the death of Jacques really hurts her. This in broad terms might mean that the same person whom we can hate while still alive may make us weep when dead. It is this experience that makes Christine to participate in the continuous world. In the play, Marcel used Jacques and Christine to symbolize the love that he had for his mother. How Christine was hurt showed how Marcel was also hurt. The death of the mother, however, gave Marcel a chance in life to interact with different people in life in search for livelihood. During the interactions with different people, he realized that human nature is weak when it comes to offering assistance. The human nature is always willing to receive and not to give away.

Conversion to Catholicism

The religious experience that Marcel felt when he was converted to a Catholic made him come up with a different view towards philosophy. It was though, not from the personal feeling that Marcel felt that he should join Catholicism. Mauriac urged Marcel to join Catholicism. It is through a letter that Marcel was urged to take such a great step in his life. In the long run, Marcel was not convinced by the experience I the church. Marcel expected that the church will play the role of uniting people. To his amusement, the Catholic Church was not providing the unity that Marcel was looking for. The normal routine of the believers bowing down their heads or kneeling before the altar added misery to Marcel’s life as a Christian. He failed to understand why people bowed their heads or knelt down. The experiences of Marcel are the exert mirror reflection of the Obrien’s treatment on immorality. According to Obrien, homosexuality is not something a person is born with; they are things that we adopt as we grow up. The experience and the challenges that people face in life are what can lead to homosexuality. According to Obrien, the mass media was responsible for the immorality in Vietnam. This means that someone’s perspective to life can be greatly be influenced by the people around them. The way the Marcel’s life was turned around by the events that were around him can confirm Obrien’s theory. The two philosophers agree one thing; a person has no control of his or her own mind. Our minds are dictated by what we see, feel and touch.

William James question of immorality

William views immortality as the one greatest spiritual needs of man. According to him, immorality is a thought of function of the brain. The way one look at immorality will be defined with what such persons think. The productive nature of all living things might make one to be forgiven of immorality. It is not wrong to be immoral; the only mistake that people do is too coercive. The living nature is that which is destined to production then, when there is no production then there will no longer be life. With no life, William says that there will be no soul. The soul is, therefore, a product of life. In his article and work, William came clear that immorality is a real thing. Unlike the thought of many people that immorality is just a fiction, William says that it is real. It is in fact one of the most important needs man have. He gave an example of men watching nude ladies in bars and inns leaving their wives back at home. According to William, people should not shy away from immorality. Women according to William have used immorality to be submissive to men. Men will only feel their ego when women become more submissive to them. The research that was done by William showed that most men will only feel that they are superior is when women become immoral in front of them. The fact that women can show off their nudeness in front of men is something that has made most of the men to be proud. It is through this submissive nature that women also feel that they will have the required attention from men. Women being people who always want to be appreciated and recognized in the society they will, therefore, not be reluctant to be immoral. Immorality according to this philosopher plays a great trans-missive function in the society. Immorality is where most of things come from. The good or bad side of a person can be determined by how that person is immoral. The church goers see themselves as less immoral. They, therefore, go to church to get closer to God whom they think is also a moral God. On the other hand, the less moral find them on the receiving end of what the bible preaches. William does not agree with other philosophers since most of them view church goers as those people who have gone to church so as to bring a change in their lives. In that they mean that even the immoral people go to church so as to communicate with God and repent their sins. With this, they see immorality as something that as much as it can have a negative effect on someone’s life, it can also bring a positive impact in the long run. Each and every person has the right to immorality, this is according to William. As much as immorality is allowed, William says that it is not obligated in that he means that someone should not feel that he or she is oppressed or being denied some freedom without immorality. Provided that one is not infringing another person’s right with the immoral acts, then the act is not bad. In his argument, William says that man has only one life to live and in this he mean that human being should live their lives to the fullest. If one feels that immorality is the only way that makes them happy, then they have no option but make good use of immorality. The high or the low standard of a person can be determined by immorality. According to William, the rich society has been blamed to be the most immorality. Most people have used immorality to oppress another group in the society. He gives an example of a town girl from a rich family who goes in the village in a short skirt with an intension to show off that she is from the rich family. These arguments are true given the fact that the modern world has been taken hostage by immorality. In the world today, one will only show his or her riches by the kind of discos they attend. Some rich society also feels that their life is incomplete without doing something immoral. The arguments of William on the human immorality are true considering what have been happening in the world of today. Even though William is a writer who came up with these idea many years ago, whatever he talks about are happening in the real world. In conclusion to William immorality is playing different roles in our lives. Immorality has a profound effect on how people look at production. Unlike what the bible says that, sex should only be for reproduction, man has changed it to become a recreational event. The social outlook of people is also affected by immorality. William says that those who feel rich find themselves on the bad sides of immorality.

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death of mother essay?

<p>Hi, so pretty much my mom died two weeks before my junior year of high school last year. Her case is a bit unique because her doctors at Stanford actually told her she had a week to live right before my sophomore year, and then she lived for a year after that. Everyone I know is telling me that I should write my essay about it, but I have seen a lot of other sources that say not to write about a tragedy, or family death, because it is over done, cliched, etc. I really want my essay to kind of stick out, and not be too sad. Anyone help or advice would be hugely appreciated. </p>

<p>Difficult topics (depression, family death, and general tragedy) are just that: difficult. It’s so easy to end up with an essay that shows simply what you went through and not what you gained from it. I’d tread lightly if you write with that topic. </p>

<p>I think your instincts are right. If your grades slipped or you didn’t have time for ECs due to your mom’s illness and death, you should ask your guidance counselor to mention it in their recommendation. </p>

<p>Even if your grades didn’t slip, I would still write about it to show your strenght and determination to finish high school with high stats. </p>

<p>I am sorry for your lost.</p>

<p>Stories about dying family members can easily turn into “woe-is-me” narratives that the admissions can see through if you don’t convey your message well enough.</p>

<p>If you do decide to write about it, focus less on the death (maybe even not directly mention that she dies at all) and more of what you did with her, personal realization, etc. </p>

<p>Good luck</p>

<p>When I was in high school, my English teacher showed us some sample essays that she thought were well-done, and one of them was about the death of the writer’s father. Of course, just because an English teacher liked it doesn’t necessarily mean it was good, but it’s another data point, for what it’s worth.</p>

<p>I’ve edited application essays professionally, and two people wrote about the death of a parent. My stance on the matter is that the topic is not off-limits, you just have to write about it in a useful way and not fall into common pitfalls, which are pretty much the same common pitfalls for everyone regardless of topic. </p>

<p>For example, both of the aforementioned students’ early drafts said things like, “I was very sad when my father died. I missed him so much” and “The thought that I would never see my mother again was very heartbreaking.” To put it bluntly: Well, DUH. Did you think we thought you weren’t sad that your parent died? We already know that losing a parent is sad and heartbreaking, so tell us things we <em>don’t</em> already know or wouldn’t readily guess. Tell us how it changed you as a person in the long term. Show us that you are, perhaps, more mature or more responsible or more equipped to deal with other hardships or exist in the world in a different way because of your experiences. This is a profoundly life-changing event and you have every right to write about it in your essay (in fact, I bet this is one of the situations they had in mind when they wrote Common App prompt #1 , “story so central to their identity” etc.). Just don’t spend your precious word count on stuff like “I was sad that my mother died”; it’s like saying, “The sky is blue” or “I have one head.” We wouldn’t expect anything else to be the case.</p>

<p>^Lol "I have one head’ made me laugh so hard.</p>

<p>But I so agree with the above poster</p>

<p>OP, I am writing about the same topic. My best advice is to not make it a sob story essay. No one wants to read those and trying to make the adcoms feel sorry for you will not work. The best thing to do is briefly mention it (maybe a paragraph of writing) and then describe how you changed because of it. Avoid clichés at all costs! And try and tell a unique story, something no one else can tell. Best of luck!</p>

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50 Best Sympathy Messages & Quotes for Loss of Mother

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There are few other things in life worse than the loss of your mom. Your mother can be your very best friend or your worst enemy. Either way, the loss can be devastating.

That connection makes it all the more difficult to find the right words to say when a family member or friend has experienced the loss of a mother.

We have put together a list of sympathy messages, quotes, and thoughts for you or anyone that has lost a mom, mother, or very best friend.

Short Condolence Messages for Loss of Mother

Here are 10 brief things to say or write to someone who has lost their mother.

So Sorry for Your Loss

1. I am so sorry for your loss.

2. My prayers are holding you close to my heart.

3. Be comforted by your memories.

4. There is no one in the world like your mother.

5. I am sorry for your sorrow.

6. Your mother will be greatly missed. She was a gem.

7. There is nobody in the world quite like your mom.

8. May your mother’s soul rest in peace.

9. My deepest condolences to you and your family during this time of loss.

10. Gone from this earth, yet she will never be forgotten.

More: 101 Best Condolence Messages

Meaningful Sympathy Messages for Loss of Mother

These are examples of words of sympathy written from the heart, ideal for a card, note, or text message.

Memorial Quotes for Loss of Mother

11. I will miss your beautiful mother along with you. I am wishing you peace and comfort during this difficult time.

12. Your mother’s endearing legacy is carried on through you.

13. I loved your mom like my own. I will miss her always.

14. Words cannot express my heartfelt sympathy for your loss.

15. Your mother’s passing is truly a devastating loss. I hope you know that I am here for you during this hard time.

16. It doesn’t matter how old we are, we always need our mothers. My prayers are with you.

17. You took such wonderful care of your Mom these last months. She was so lucky to have you. The only thing I can say is, hold on to the memories. It’s those fond memories that can be a great source of comfort during such a challenging time.

18. You will always remember what it felt like to be loved by your mom. That’s a memory worth treasuring!

19. Your mom’s love will always be treasured. She is the first to love you, and will will always hold her close in your heart.

20. Your mother was truly one of a kind. She will never be forgotten by any of us who knew her.

21. My heart is broken for you and your family. Whatever I can do for you, just let me know.

22. I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now. Just remember that I am only a text or a phone call away.

23. In your time of sorrow, we would like to extend our heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

24. I was so blessed and honored to know your mom. She was truly a beautiful lady and I will miss her.

25. Our sincere condolences to you and your family. The angels rejoice at her homecoming.

26. Grief can be difficult. But all of us who care about you share your grief.

27. Heartfelt thoughts go out to you in this sorrowful time.

28. With love and friendship, we share in your time of sadness.

29. She was loved deeply, so we will grieve deeply too. My heartfelt condolences are with you and your family.

30. Our community has suffered a great loss with your mother’s death. We are all gathered around you to offer our comfort, support, and love.

Related: How to Write a Tribute to Mom

Loss of Mother Quotes

Traditional and famous sympathy quotes to honor your mom with comforting words.

Sympathy Quotes for Loss of Mothers

31. “There is something about losing a mother that is permanent and inexpressible – a wound that will never quite heal.” – Susan Wiggs

32. “A mom’s hug lasts long after she lets go.” – Author Unknown

33. “Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.” – By Robert Browning

34. “Wherever a beautiful soul has been there is a trail of beautiful memories.” – Author Unknow n

35. “Had I known that destiny always takes away people you love the most, I would have pretended to hate you endlessly. I miss you mommy.” – Anonymous

36. “Love as powerful as your mother’s for you leaves its own mark. To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.” – J. K. Rowling

37. “Now I know why you always asked me to be strong… because you know that one day I would need the strength to bear your loss. I miss you, mom.” – Anonymous

38. “The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her.” – Anonymous

39. “A mother is a cheerful giver, a mother is a guardian, a mother is a wonderful gift every child can have in life.” – Anonymous

40. “Losing a mother is a pain that cannot be described in words. It is virtually impossible to move on from the memory of losing the woman who sacrificed happiness in her own life so that you could have a better one. A mother’s love is truly irreplaceable.” – Author unknown

More: 50 “In Loving Memory” Quotes for Your Loved One

What to Say to Someone Who Lost Their Mother

The most important thing to do is to acknowledge the loss, their emotions, and feelings. Don’t minimize what they are feeling. Don’t say things like, “‘She is in a better place’ or ‘Look on the bright side.’ These phrases are not going to help them in any way. Instead, here are some things that may help.

41. Your mom was truly an angel on earth, and now one in heaven.

42. Thinking of you and sending prayers and love your way.

43. Your mom was and will always be special to me.

44. Your mother was an amazing woman. You were so fortunate to have her in your life. She’ll always have a special place in our hearts.

45. Your mom was a special person, a true friend, and always a joy to be around.

It is said that nothing compares to the loss of a parent, especially a mother. Depending on how well you know the decedent or the decedent’s family will give you guidance on how to offer your condolences. After all, the only thing that needs to be said is, “I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.”

Faith is an important part of so many people’s lives and will help them get through this sad time. Here are some Scripture verses that can be comforting and encouraging to share.

46. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3

47. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. – 2 Corinthians 5:8

48. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. – Matthew 5:4

49. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. – Joshua 1:9

50. But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. – 1 Thessalonians 4:13

Offering your condolences at the visitation or funeral is always acceptable. If you can’t attend either of these events, write your condolences in a sympathy card.

If you don’t know what to say, a hug can say it all.

Read more: What to Say When Someone Dies

What to Do for Someone Who Lost Their Mother

Helping out a friend who has lost their mother is a kind and thoughtful thing to do. We have put together a list of some ideas to help brighten the family’s day after such a sad occasion.

  • Make their favorite meal. Delivering a sympathy meal might seem like a small gesture, but I guarantee that it is greatly appreciated.
  • Offer to do some housecleaning. They will probably have relatives and friends coming in from out of town. Offer to do some laundry, make some beds, vacuuming, or just all around cleaning.
  • Make a memory book/scrap book. Use photos from social media or make copies of borrowed pictures. Add some poetry, special memories, or tributes and make a book the grieving family will treasure for generations.
  • Pick up kids from school. Take some weight off of their shoulders by grabbing the kids from school or the bus stop.
  • Take the kids to the movies. Offer to entertain the kids by taking them to the movies and grabbing a bite to eat afterwards.
  • Pray for them. It is good and encouraging to pray with any grieving Christian, in person or over the phone, as well as in your own quiet time. Here are 50 comforting sympathy prayers when you’re not sure how to pray.
  • Send a gift. A thoughtful present, whether food or self-care items or a memorial tribute, conveys that you are thinking of them. Here are our top sympathy gifts for loss of mother .
  • Send flowers. Flowers are always welcome. Sending them a week or two after the funeral service is thoughtful. Within a couple weeks everyone else’s lives have gone back to normal. The gesture of sending flowers or a plant will touch their hearts.
  • Offer to babysit. Offer to take care of the children for an evening, a day, or the weekend. Offering people a break is always a thoughtful action.
  • Learn. Read up about the grieving process . Learn more about what the grieving person might be going through. This will give you more patience and greater compassion as you try to do the right thing.
  • Listen. At times, all they may need is your ear. Listen to their sorrow, grief, and fears. Offer a helping hand where possible.

It can be a tough time, helping a friend through the loss of their mother. But now that you have read these sympathy message ideas and suggestions, you have a better understanding of how you can help. Sometimes the best thing is just to be available.

Read Next: Sympathy Gifts for Loss of Parent

Sympathy Messages for Loss of Mother - Pin It Image

Karen Roldan has been in the funeral industry since 2006, and a licensed funeral director and embalmer since 2008. She is currently licensed in the states of Indiana and Pennsylvania.

She attended Worsham College of Mortuary Science in Wheeling, IL, and graduated with an associate degree in Mortuary Science.

Karen enjoys wring about the funeral industry because her passion is helping families in their deepest time of need. She feels being a funeral director is a calling and she is proud to fulfill this role.

Karen is a wife and the mother of four sons. She, her husband and their youngest son call Pennsylvania home.

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essay on death of mother

Late Rapper’s Mom May Be Subbed as Defendant in Abuse Case

A ttorneys for a woman who alleges the late rapper Takeoff raped her in 2020, two years before his death, say in new court papers that a Georgia judge has named the singer’s mother as the administrator of her son’s estate, setting the stage for her and the estate to be possibly substituted as defendants in the woman’s lawsuit.

The plaintiff is identified only as Jane Doe in the Los Angeles Superior Court complaint alleging Takeoff, whose real name was Kirshnik Khari Ball, sexually assaulted her during a party in an Encino home on June 23, 2020. The 28-year-old Takeoff, part of the Atlanta song trio Migos, was shot to death Nov. 1, 2022, at a Houston bowling alley.

The woman’s lawyers filed court papers Wednesday with Van Nuys Superior Court Judge Huey P. Cotton stating that Takeoff’s mother, Titiana Patrice Davenport, had been named the administrator of Takeoff’s estate by a Fulton County probate court judge on Dec. 27. A hearing on the plaintiff’s substitution motion is scheduled before Cotton on July 11.

Last June, Davenport filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the owners of 810 Billiards & Bowling Houston, the venue where her son was shot and killed. In January 2023, Cotton put a stay on Doe’s case until the probate proceedings are over.

According to Doe’s lawsuit, Takeoff made several advances the night of the alleged sexual assault that Doe rejected. She later went to a bedroom to lie down, but despite her making it clear to the performer that she was not interested, he followed her into the bedroom and “forced himself on her and engaged in sexual intercourse,” the suit brought in August 2020 alleges.

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  2. My mother's death isn't something I survived. It's something I'm still

    It's something I'm still living through. Self Explanatory. My mother's death isn't something I survived. It's something I'm still living through. I haven't fully processed the pain of losing her ...

  3. 10 Lessons My Mother's Death Taught Me About Healing & Happiness

    I've slowly been able to let go of the guilt that I was replacing or dishonoring her by making room for others. Healing is not an act of substituting, but of expanding, despite the holes we carry. 3. Be easy on yourself. In the months after losing my mother, I was clumsy, forgetful and foggy.

  4. Narrative Essay On Mother's Death

    Personal Narrative: My Mother's Death. I shift under the covers,alone,in eerie silence. I clutch my elbows,looking back at the darkness. He was there when my mother died;and even then,I could hear my mom's cries from the coffin. Suddenly,everything falled down,inch by inch.….

  5. How to Deal With the Death of a Mother

    Feel the feelings. Or let yourself feel nothing. Talk about your feelings. Spend time by yourself. Spend time with others. Talk to her (in whatever way that means for you and your beliefs—it may also include writing letters to her.) How to Cope at Work When You're Grieving a Loved One's Death.

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  11. 5 Ways to Make College Essays About Tragedy More Memorable

    When writing college essays about tragedy and loss, students need to write in a way that's sincere while still conveying genuine emotions and feelings. 3. Connect it to the prompt. Although colleges do have essay prompts that are more personal in nature, it's rare to find a topic related directly to a tragic event.

  12. Personal Essay : Losing My Mother

    Personal Narrative: My Mother's Death. Slightly pushing you out of the way I run to our mother who's laying on the kitchen floor with a needle in her arm. She told me that it was her medicine, that if she didn't have it she would die. How ironic. I never told you because I didn't want you to pick up on the lie.

  13. "As vast as the world"—reflections on A Very Easy Death by Simone de

    In 1964, Simone de Beauvoir, arguably one of the greatest writers of 20th century Europe, published an account of the final 6 weeks of her mother's life. It is a beautifully written, raw, honest, and powerful evocation of that period from the viewpoint of a relative. Its themes are universal—love, ambivalence in family ties, loss, and bereavement. Given that the events preceded the modern ...

  14. Personal Narrative: My Mother's Death

    Personal Narrative: A Parent's Death. I wait at the door. I put on my solemn, grim face, I cannot let these children see me as a soft women. I am anything but that, well I guess I am, but we all need to hide our inner emotions some how. My useless husband, Hans, mumbles, "I see the car". We step outside, most people think Hans and I are ...

  15. My Mother 's Death

    My Mother 's Death - Original Writing Essay. Decent Essays. 1254 Words. 6 Pages. Open Document. Mommy, Now I can say that I had never understood others suffering from a bad loss of a dear person. I would hate to hear that anybody died. When this happened to me, when my dear mother died, I started to understand all those people who lost someone ...

  16. Personal Grief and Loss

    The loss of a beloved person can trigger numerous emotions such as guilt, anger, disbelief, and sadness. Coping with sudden death can result in a major challenge. It is agreeable that most of these reactions and emotional responses to loss are natural. That being the case, people should help one another throughout the mourning process in order ...

  17. How to Write a Tribute for a Mother Who Passed Away (5 Examples)

    Most tributes finish by directly addressing the person they are about. So speak to your mother and sum up her lasting impact. These are a few closing tribute ideas: "You were the heart of our family, Mom, and that heart will never stop beating within us.". "I hope I can be as strong, caring and giving as you were.

  18. Personal Narrative: Death Of A Mother

    Personal Narrative: My Mother's Death. I shift under the covers,alone,in eerie silence. I clutch my elbows,looking back at the darkness. He was there when my mother died;and even then,I could hear my mom's cries from the coffin. Suddenly,everything falled down,inch by inch.…. 206 Words. 1 Pages.

  19. I Asked My Mom if She Was Prepared to Die

    You might be wondering why I was asking my mom about her end-of-life preparedness. Well, when my dad, Paul, died suddenly a few years ago, we were completely unprepared. "Dad and I never talked ...

  20. Free Sample Essay On The Death Of His Mother

    The death of Marcel's mother marked the beginning of his memory. Marcel's mother died while he was still in a very tender age. This made Marcel to face different challenges in life. With the different challenges, Marcel decided to investigate on the challenges that people face in life. The experience left in Marcel after the death was a ...

  21. death of mother essay?

    death of mother essay? veelynne September 18, 2014, 6:48pm 1. <p>Hi, so pretty much my mom died two weeks before my junior year of high school last year. Her case is a bit unique because her doctors at Stanford actually told her she had a week to live right before my sophomore year, and then she lived for a year after that.

  22. Personal Narrative: Death Of A Mother

    Personal Narrative: My Mother's Death. 'I don't want to lose her,' I kept repeating in my head trying to look strong for her. I was trying to not show how scared I was, trying to stop bursting into tears the second I saw her in the state she was. She was so weak and there was nothing I could do to help, except stay out of the doctor's way.

  23. 50 Best Sympathy Messages & Quotes for Loss of Mother

    12. Your mother's endearing legacy is carried on through you. 13. I loved your mom like my own. I will miss her always. 14. Words cannot express my heartfelt sympathy for your loss. 15. Your mother's passing is truly a devastating loss.

  24. A Essay of Death of a Mother

    To protect the anonymity of contributors, we've removed their names and personal information from the essays. When citing an essay from our library, you can use "Kibin" as the author. Kibin does not guarantee the accuracy, timeliness, or completeness of the essays in the library; essay content should not be construed as advice.

  25. Late Rapper's Mom May Be Subbed as Defendant in Abuse Case

    A ttorneys for a woman who alleges the late rapper Takeoff raped her in 2020, two years before his death, say in new court papers that a Georgia judge has named the singer's mother as the ...