7 year old hates homework

5 things to say when your child says, “I hate homework!”

by: The GreatSchools Editorial Team | Updated: May 6, 2024

Print article

5 things to say when your child says, "I hate homework!"

Honestly, it’s hard to argue when your child say they hate homework. But how can parents respond in a way that’s helpful, builds your parent-child bond, and reinforces the idea that your child’s education and learning are hugely important? We asked the experts to weigh in.

5 ways to respond to “I hate homework!”

“i hear you.”, “we’re in this together.”.

“Often times, parents go negative,” observes America’s Supernanny Deborah Tillman. “The child says, ‘I’m not doing my homework!’ The parent says, ‘Yes you are doing your homework!’ Then it’s back-and-forth and arguing.”

Tillman says you want to motivate your child, but you also want to make sure they understand that you’re not going to engage in a battle over homework.

“How about a snack?”

Especially when a child is having trouble with it, homework is often difficult or boring, says Christine Carter, child development expert and author of Raising Happiness . And homework time often takes place when kids are wiped out and grumpy. “You have to do homework at the end of the day when all of your self-control is depleted or your willpower is depleted. So it’s asking something very difficult of children, especially younger ones,” she says. “To reinstate that self-control, your blood sugar level needs to be rising.”

“Tell it to the teacher.”

“break it down.”.

In Bird by Bird , the writer Anne Lamott famously describes her 10-year-old brother’s despair at having left a big homework project — a report on birds — until the last minute.

“…he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said, ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.’”

Lamott took a lesson for writing from her dad’s wise words, but there’s a lesson for parents there, too. “Kids experience a lot of fear and stress doing big projects,” says Diane Divecha, development psychologist and research affiliate of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.

Homes Nearby

Homes for rent and sale near schools

Why your neighborhood school closes for good – and what to do when it does

What should I write my college essay about?

What the #%@!& should I write about in my college essay?

How longer recess fuels child development

How longer recess fuels stronger child development

Yes! Sign me up for updates relevant to my child's grade.

Please enter a valid email address

Thank you for signing up!

Server Issue: Please try again later. Sorry for the inconvenience

ONLINE PARENTING COACH

Help for parents with strong-willed, out-of-control teens and preteens.

Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help. Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring.
Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain. In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information. Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has. Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too. He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.
Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.
Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).
Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life. Along with this comes getting good grades. All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
instructions are unclear
neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
the assignments are often too hard or too easy
the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
you can't provide needed supplies or materials
you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
Does your answer make sense to you?
Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment?
How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...

THLH is a short reminder to Think Happy and Live Healthy

Feb 24, 2022

My child hates school: Tips from a therapist

Every kid complains about school sometimes . But if you’re hearing the words, “I hate school,” every single morning, there may be something more going on. So today, I want to help you figure out why your child dislikes school so much and what you can do about it.

In my therapy practice, I always approach children who hate school with a belief that they can learn to like (or even love) school. It just takes the right support, the right teacher fit, and a plan to address any underlying issues.

And the best part? You don’t need to be a licensed therapist to change your child’s perspective on school. You have everything you need to inspire a love for learning right now. So let’s get started!

Get to the root of the problem

There are a lot of reasons kids don't like school. Teacher/student mismatch, bullies, struggles in certain subjects—the list is endless. So it’s best not to guess.

Do what therapists do and ask your child clarifying questions to get to the root of the problem. Here are some questions to get you started:

· What do you hate about school?

· Is there a class or subject you don’t like?

· Is there a specific person you don't get along with?

· Do you hate school every day, or are there some good days?

· Is there anything about school that you do like?

When your child answers these questions, don’t disagree with them. Make sure to validate their concerns by saying that you understand why they feel that way.

For a child, anger and hate are the easiest ways to express deeper emotions. These clarifying questions will help you figure out if fear, nervousness, separation anxiety, or another strong emotion is the underlying cause of their discomfort at school.

Create a list of solutions

As a parent, we often think we know better than our children how to solve a problem. But as a therapist, I find that my clients often have a pretty good idea how to solve their own problems. So ask your child what would make school better.

At first, you’re likely to hear something like, “Don't make me go to school.” Obviously, that won't work, so dig a little deeper.

A great way to prompt your child for solutions is to ask them, “If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?” Their answer should give you a great starting point for developing solutions.

Whatever you do, don't try to solve the problem yourself. Work together with your child to come up with a few ideas of what could make school better. This list will form the basis of your plan in the next step.

Come up with a plan together

Now that you’ve identified the problems and listed out a few solutions, it’s time to put a plan into action. But don’t do it on your own.

Therapists are trained to empower the client towards change, not give advice or tell the client how to change. The same holds true for parents working with their children. The best way to make sure your child sticks to the plan is to develop it with them.

Go through the list of solutions you both created and try to come up with some concrete steps about how to make progress with each solution. If some of the solutions aren't very realistic, try and advise your child on a compromise.

Be patient. And whatever you do, don’t invalidate their feelings by saying, “You just have to suck it up. Everyone has to go to school.” Say supportive things like, “I know that you are really angry. Let’s try to come up with a few ways to make school better.”

If your child is resistant to discussing a plan, give them some time to think about it and then revisit your plan a few days later.

Make sure your child has someone to talk to

Once you have a plan in place, check in with your child to see how it’s progressing. If the plan isn’t working, and your child is still insistent that they hate school, you may need to consider bringing in additional support.

Children have a lot of emotions and need to have safe spaces to let them out. Just like we have multiple friends and family members who we look to for support, your child may need more perspectives than just yours.

Try to find someone else who they can open up to: A family friend, a teacher, a school counselor, or a therapist .

These other figures can provide different perspectives and can give your child a safe space to express what kinds of support they need to make school more tolerable.

Don't give up! Kids can learn to love school

Hating school can have a negative impact on your child mentally, emotionally, and academically. That’s why it’s so important to address these feelings as soon as they arise. And whatever you do, don't give up!

By talking to your child, brainstorming solutions, developing a plan, and giving them a safe place to express their emotions, you can help them discover (or rediscover) a love for learning that will last a lifetime!

What do you do when your child says they hate school? Let us know in the comments below.

And if you’re looking for a therapist who can help your child navigate the challenges of school, get it touch with us !

Christine Willing, M.Ed., NCSP, is the CEO & founder of Think Happy Live Healthy, a psychological therapy and wellness company in northern Virginia. As a Licensed School Psychologist, she helps kids and families navigate the stress of school with resiliency and positivity. When she’s not seeing patients, Christine enjoys life at the beach, listening to podcasts, and walking her adorable dog, Latte. Follow her on Instagram at thinkhappylivehealthy.

Motivating the Unmotivated Child

By james lehman, msw.

Over the years, many parents have asked me why their kids aren’t motivated and what they can do about it. How can you get your child to be more motivated? To do better in school? To even go to school?

The important thing to remember is this: your child is motivated. They’re just motivated to resist you and others when they do not want to do something. The key is to learn how to turn their negative motivation into a positive one.

Lack of Motivation is a Form of Resistance

When kids won’t get out of bed, won’t do their homework or school assignments, or won’t get involved in activities, it’s important for parents to realize that there is motivation in the child. But the motivation is to resist . The motivation is to do things their way, not yours. The motivation is to retain power.

When kids feel powerless, they try to feel powerful by withholding. A child or teenager who feels very powerless will stay in bed, not go to school, avoid homework, sit on the couch, and withhold overall involvement because it gives her a sense of being in control.

To the parent, the behavior looks completely out of control. But the child sees it as the only way to have control over what’s going on around him.

You’ll see it when you ask your child a question and he doesn’t answer, but you know he heard you. What’s that all about? That’s a child withholding an answer to feel powerful. When he says, “I don’t have to answer you if I don’t want to,” you see it as a lack of motivation. He sees it as a way to win control over you.

All Kids are Motivated by Something

I want to be clear about this point: everyone is motivated. The question is, motivated to do what? If a child looks like he’s not motivated, you have to look at what he’s accomplishing and assume that this is what he’s motivated to do.

So part of the solution is getting him to be motivated to do something else. To assume that the child is unmotivated is an ineffective way of looking at it. He is motivated. He’s simply motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and holding back to exercise control over you.

Kids Resist Because They Lack Problem-Solving Skills

The child who uses resistance as a form of control lacks both social skills and problem-solving skills.

They don’t have the social skills to know how to talk to other people, how to be friendly, and how to feel comfortable with themselves. Also, they don’t have the problem-solving skills to figure out what people want from them, how to deal with other people’s behavior, and how to meet expectations and demands.

Offer for FREE Empowering Parents Personal Parenting Plan

These are basic skills we all have to learn in order to be successful as adults.

If continually resisting is how a child tries to solve problems, then parents will have a hard time until they teach the child how to solve problems appropriately.

The first step in teaching kids problem-solving skills is to understand that these kids are not helpless victims. Instead, they’re simply trying to solve problems in an ineffective manner.

Don’t Argue or Fight With Your Child About Motivation

Very often these kids are motivated by the power struggle. They find different ways to have that struggle with their parents. The job of the parents, therefore, is to find other ways for the child to solve the problem that’s causing the power struggle.

But if parents don’t have those other ways then the power struggle continues with no end in sight.

If you’re fighting day after day with a kid who won’t get out of bed, you’re never going to solve that problem. Because even if he gets out of bed then he won’t brush his teeth. And even if he brushes his teeth then he won’t comb his hair. Or he won’t wear clean clothes, or he won’t do his homework.

Understand that when you yell at your child for lack of motivation, you’re giving their resisting behavior power. So don’t yell. Don’t argue. Don’t give their resisting behavior power.

I understand that parents get frustrated—that’s normal. And sometimes you will lose your calm, even when you know better.

The point I want to make here is that yelling and fighting won’t solve the problem. If you’re yelling and fighting over these issues, you’re giving him more power in the struggle, and you don’t want to do that. Here’s what to do instead.

Be Clear, Calm, and Give Consequences for Your Child’s Behavior

Make the situation clear for the child. Use “I” words. Say the following:

“I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.”

“I want you to do your homework now.”

Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn’t do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability.

If your child says, “I don’t care about the consequences,” ignore her. She will tell you she doesn’t care just as a way to feel in control. Or, she may not care now, but as consequences get applied consistently, she will eventually see compliance as a better alternative to consequences.

Advertisement for Empowering Parents Total Transformation Online Package

Therefore, give consequences. And don’t worry if the kid doesn’t like it. You are not your child’s friend, you’re their parent.

Related content: Unmotivated Child? 6 Ways to Get Your Child Going

By the way, if your child doesn’t get out of bed, he shouldn’t be doing anything else. He shouldn’t get to play video games. He shouldn’t spend four hours in front of the TV. If he’s too sick to go to school, he shouldn’t be going out of the house. These rules should be set and enforced consistently.

Give Effective Consequences

Understanding what is and what is not an effective consequence is critical. The right consequences actually motivate your child to good behavior. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be a successful adult.

Know that effective consequences are not punishments. Indeed, I say all the time that you can’t punish your child into behaving better.

All parents should read my article on how to give kids consequences that work . And take a look at my sample video from The Complete Guide to Consequences .

Let Your Child Experience Natural Consequences

I would always tell parents in my office that you have to have the courage to let her experience the consequences of her behavior. It takes a lot of courage for a parent to step back and say:

“Okay, you’re not going to do your homework, and you’re going to get the grades that reflect that.”

But in these cases, it can help to let the child experience the natural consequences of resistance. You don’t let the kid watch TV. You say:

“Homework time is from six to eight. And if you don’t want to do your homework during that time, that’s fine. But you can’t go on the computer, you can’t play games, and you can’t watch TV. If you choose not to do your homework, that’s your choice. And if you fail, that’s your choice too.”

Remember, natural consequences are an important part of life. That’s why we have speeding tickets. A speeding ticket is a natural consequence. If you go too fast, the policeman stops you and gives you a ticket. He doesn’t follow you home to make sure you don’t speed anymore. He lets you go. It’s your job to stop and take responsibility. If you don’t, you’re going to get another ticket fifteen minutes later.

Natural consequences help people take responsibility, and they can be used to help kids take responsibility for things like going to school, participating in class, and doing homework.

Don’t Forget to Use Rewards

Along with the plan to let her experience the natural consequences of her decisions, build in rewards for success if she does make the right decision.

For example, if my son failed a test, there was no punishment. But if he passed, there was a reward. It was very simple. We rewarded A’s and B’s. We didn’t take anything away for C, we just didn’t reward it.

So my son eventually strived to have A’s all the time. So with kids who resist, it’s important to have a rewards system as well as a consequence system.

Be Patient and Persistent

Calmly and consistently using effective consequences is your fastest and best way to get your child motivated. Just be patient and persistent as consequences do their job and your child begins to learn better problem-solving skills. And know that the vast majority of kids come around and get motivated once they are held accountable in a meaningful way.

Related content: Motivating Underachievers: 9 Steps to Take When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About James Lehman, MSW

James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation® , The Complete Guide to Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ , from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.

You must log in to leave a comment. Don't have an account? Create one for free!

I wish it was this easy. It's not that simple I've read what you wrote here and I don't think you have teenager's because it's eazy as you say

Sandra Sometimes the lack of motivation is a sign of something deeper - fear and shame felt because of failing grades - and so the child enters denial and resistance mode.

Emma Same here. I hate that the school requires the use of the laptop. It is nothing but a distraction and you can't take it away because they need it for school. The closest we've come to a solution is parental control software.

Tracy I have the same situation with my son. Ignores homework or any other responsibilities, bedroom is a disaster. Can't babysit all day, I am a single mom and I work full time. He knows how much this upsets me yet he does nothing to fix it. I take xbox, pc More power cords away, NOTHING motivates this kid.

Dad.com The issue with parents right now is that they have the same issue of all assuming their child’s goal is to fight them and be rebellious. A lot of kids who are struggling right now would love to pass and work hard and get good grades, but there are many More factors such as depression, low self-esteem and confidence, and the reaction, the relationship, and the treatment from the parents that greatly effect a child's motivation and perspective. Stop using punishment as a way to help your kid, use positive re-enforcement, and let then understand that what they’re going through isn’t their fault, they didn’t choose to be depressed, stressed, or have little to no motivation. Try and be helpful and realize that they are the ones carrying more emotional baggage then you can imagine.

Hyporeal Agree with some other comments here re consequences - they made difficult situations much much worse. No tv? She turned it on anyway. Confiscated phone/guitar - ransacked the house & took my keys in order to find them. Eventually, at age 24 she was diagnosed with severe ADHD, & More I realised those consequences would have produced anxiety in her worse than the original requests.

This. I'm already late for work every day (I take him to school) I can't sit at home with him all day every day.

He does have underlying issues (depression, anxiety), but 'nothing works' so he won't even try anything anymore - medication, therapy, exercise.

I'm at my wits' end and it's to the point that by the time he gets dropped off, I'm practically in tears, but have to get it together so that I can go to work and do what I need to do.

Emma Certainly it's important to rule out clinical anxiety and depression. But it appears to me that absolutely everything these days is being blamed on anxiety and depression and we are too quick to medicate and relieve children of their responsibilities.

Melissa382 Thank you for this I hope more parents see this.

Emma Agree 100%.

Janelle383 Maybe your child is depressed or something. You never know what really goes on in a teen’s mind.

Thanks for taking the time to put this article together to support parents. This is something I spend a lot of time also doing. I would love to be able to use your work as a reference for the families I come in contact with. The above article leaves me with a question that I feel would come up if I used it; "If the key is to avoid the power struggle, how do I then avoid the power struggle that would ensue from implementing the consequence?" Many of the struggles people have result from the secondary behaviour that follows the logical (as opposed to natural) consequence implementation. I look forward to hearing your strategies for this next step. Kindest Regards

Emma Same question here. And how can natural consequences work when they are not immediate? A 14-year-old has trouble understanding that missing homework assignments, being lazy with schoolwork, and not studying will impact his future. His immediate natural consequence is lower grades, but what if he doesn't care because he can't More see how this affects him in the future?

Txmomma Yes I have the same issue. In response to a consequence he break things, slams stuff, locks me out screams and yells. He doesn’t care if he gets bad grades. He doesn’t care if he fails or has to repeat a grade.

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

1. Unmotivated Child? 6 Ways to Get Your Child Going
2. How to Motivate Teenagers
3. Motivating Underachievers: 9 Steps to Take When Your Child Says "I Don't Care"
4. Life Skills: 5 Tips To Help Your Child Make It in the Real World
5. 5 Ways to Help Kids Who Procrastinate
140,000+ Subscribers Subscribe
50,000+ Fans Follow
10,000+ Followers Follow
6,000+ Followers Follow

Disrespect... defiance... backtalk... lack of motivation...

Frustrated and exhausted by your child's behavior?

Get your FREE Personal Parenting Plan today.

Does your child exhibit angry outbursts , such as tantrums, lashing out, punching walls, and throwing things?

Would you like to learn about how to use consequences more effectively?

Backtalk... complaints... arguments... attitude... just plain ignoring you

Do you struggle with disrespect or verbal abuse from your child?

Has your child been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)?

Or does your child exhibit a consistent and severe pattern of anger, irritability, arguing, defiance, and vindictiveness toward you or other authority figures?

Intimidation... aggression... physical abuse and violence ...

Are you concerned that your child may physically hurt you or others?

You must select at least one category to create your Personal Parenting Plan:

We're just about finished! Create a secure account with Empowering Parents to access your Personal Parenting Plan.

clock This article was published more than 3 years ago

What to do when a 7-year-old melts down about homework?

Q: Is there any way to get through to a 7-year-old in second grade that the amount of time she spends melting down and yelling about a simple school assignment that she could've mostly finished during class time and chose not to is longer than the amount of time it would take to do the assignment? We have never been super strict about homework, mostly because we thought it was inappropriate before, but now it's actually classwork and not homework, and her teachers are overall understanding. But occasionally, she needs to be able to accomplish some schoolwork without falling apart, right?

A: What a great question. Has there ever been a way to convince 7-year-olds that they have wasted their time screaming? In my time of working with families for about 20 years, as well as parenting three children, the answer is no, not really. The essence of what you want, which is what every parent wants, is for your child to understand your point of view, and hence, obey you without fits or questions. A wonderful dream, really. And I’m with you: It’s maddening to watch your child “waste” their time melting down when you know it is well within their power to just do the work. But we aren’t really talking about homework here. Allow me to explain.

How can I get my third-grader to focus on online school?

I don’t know whether this is a learning-at-home pandemic issue or whether your child is in school and this is spillover, but I can assure you either way: Your child is not making a conscious choice to melt down or be a quitter. I don’t know why, but your child is overwhelmed and needs support. It could be that she has an undiagnosed learning issue. It could be hunger. It could be a reaction to your pushing and pushing to complete the assignment. It could be that she’s bored and doesn’t want to revisit the material. I have no idea why your daughter is upset, but you need to reshape your goals.

To move forward, you have to admit that just because you now care about the schoolwork doesn’t mean your daughter does. To go from zero attention to now expecting enthusiasm doesn’t seem to be working, so stop expecting that from her.

We see that she’s resisting this, so get down to the why.

First, call the teacher and clarify what’s happening in school, as well as what the teacher expects. Ask if the teacher sees any executive functioning issues. Explain the behaviors you’re seeing at home, and don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Next, be sure that the timing of the classwork makes sense for your daughter. Has she had downtime? Is she fed? Has she moved her body?

Finally, call a mini-meeting with her, and set up a plan. Your ultimate goal isn’t to raise a child who completes classwork; your ultimate goal is to raise a child who enjoys learning and is motivated to do it. Let’s go slow and steady on this classwork issue; she’s only 7.

Step back and reassess. You’ll get there. Good luck.

Send questions about parenting to [email protected]

Internet Explorer is no longer supported

Please upgrade to Microsoft Edge , Google Chrome , or Firefox .

Lo sentimos, la página que usted busca no se ha podido encontrar. Puede intentar su búsqueda de nuevo o visitar la lista de temas populares.

Get this as a PDF

Enter email to download and get news and resources in your inbox.

Share this on social

How to help your child get motivated in school.

Strategies you can use to help kids work up to their potential

Writer: Danielle Cohen

Clinical Experts: Laura Phillips, PsyD, ABPdN , Ken Schuster, PsyD , Kristin Carothers, PhD

What You'll Learn

Why do some kids have trouble getting motivated in school?
How can parents help their children try harder in school?

It’s common for kids to lack motivation in school. Sometimes, this happens because the child has ADHD, anxiety, social challenges, or a learning disability. But other times, kids without a diagnosable problem still have trouble living up to their potential in school. Here are a few ways that parents can encourage kids to put in more effort at school.

Start by showing kids that you care about their schoolwork. Check in with them about how classes are going. Let them know that you’re there if they need homework help. Ask what they’re learning and what they like (and don’t like) about the assignments. With older kids, be sure to give them space, too. If they sense that you’re pressuring them, they might end up feeling resentful and less motivated.

Using positive reinforcement helps. You don’t need to give kids big rewards, but even small ones like a high five or a few extra minutes of screen time can make a difference. It’s also important to praise effort, not results. For example, praise your child for finishing a tough assignment or taking a class that might be hard. Nobody gets top grades all the time, so make sure your child knows you don’t expect perfection.

You can also bring in reinforcements if schoolwork is becoming a source of conflict for you and your child. You could hire an older student at your child’s school or a nearby college to help monitor homework and ease stress on the family. Talking to your child’s teacher can also give you insight into their behavior and help you work as a team to encourage them.

Finally, be sure to keep tabs on your own feelings. If you’re getting very frustrated or angry about your child’s school performance, a therapist or support group can help.

If you have a child who is struggling in school and doesn’t seem to be motivated to make an effort, the first thing you want to do is explore whether there is some obstacle getting in his way. Learning issues , social challenges, attention or emotional problems can all cause kids to disengage academically.

But not all kids who are underperforming in school—clearly not living up to their potential—have a diagnosable problem . And there are a number of things parents can do to help motivate kids to try harder.

Get involved

As a parent, your presence in the academic life of your child is crucial to their commitment to work. Do homework with them, and let them know that you’re available to answer questions. Get in the habit of asking them about what they learned in school, and generally engage them academically. By demonstrating your interest in your child’s school life, you’re showing them school can be exciting and interesting. This is especially effective with young kids who tend to be excited about whatever you’re excited about. Teenagers can bristle if they feel you are asking too many questions, so make sure you are sharing the details of your day, too. A conversation is always better than an interrogation.

Likewise, it’s important to stay involved but give older kids a little more space. If you’re on top of your kid all the time about homework, they may develop resistance and be less motivated to work—not to mention the strain it will put on your relationship.

Use reinforcement

Many parents are nervous about rewarding kids for good work , and it’s true that tangible rewards can turn into a slippery slope. But there are ways to use extrinsic motivation that will eventually be internalized by your kid. “Kids respond really well to social reinforcers like praises, hugs, high fives, and those kinds of things,” says Laura Phillips , PsyD, a neuropsychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “Then they start to achieve because it feels good for them.”

Ken Schuster , PsyD, a neuropsychologist at the Child Mind Institute, encourages parents to use rewarding activities that would have probably occurred either way but placing them after a set amount of time doing homework. He suggests treats that are easy to provide but that your child will enjoy, such as going for ice cream or sharing a candy bar. He also recommends breaking work up into chunks and using small breaks as rewards for getting through each chunk.

Reward effort rather than outcome

The message you want to send is that your respect hard work. Praising kids for following through when things get difficult, for making a sustained effort, and for trying things they’re not sure they can do successfully can all help teach them the pleasure of pushing themselves. Praise for good grades that come easily can make kids feel they shouldn’t have to exert themselves.

Help them see the big picture

For older kids who have developed an understanding of delayed gratification, sometimes simple reminders of their long-term goals can help push them. It can help many high school seniors who slack off after getting into college to remind them that they could lose their acceptance if their grades drop too much, or they might not be prepared for college courses. “Linking school up with their long-term goals can make the work feel more personally fulfilling,” explains Dr. Phillips.

Let them make mistakes

No one can get A’s on every test or perfect score on every assignment. While kids need encouragement, and it’s healthy to push them to try their best, know that setbacks are natural . Sometimes the only way kids learn how to properly prepare for school is by finding out what happens when they’re unprepared.

Get outside help

One way to take a little tension away from your relationship with your child is to find an older student (either at their school or a nearby college) to help them out with work. Most will charge pretty low rates, and the fact that they’re closer to your kid’s age may make it more likely they’ll listen to what they say.

“Homework was a source of conflict for us,” says Elizabeth, whose son Alex has ADHD . Elizabeth hired a few Barnard students to help Alex do his homework on certain nights, she recalls. “He behaved a lot better with them, and it was money well spent for me because I wasn’t fighting, and I wasn’t stressed out.”

Make the teacher your ally

Another one of the most important things you can do for your child is to work with their teacher. The teacher might have additional insight about how to motivate your child or what they might be struggling with. Likewise, you can share any strategies or information that you have.

When her son was in lower school and only had one teacher, Elizabeth would call his teacher before the first day, introducing herself and alerting the teacher that her son had ADHD and that he found it hard to focus. She would give the teacher little tips that she had found were useful with Alex: Writing multi-step directions on the board, tapping him on the shoulder while walking past to make sure he was paying attention and other small tweaks that would be useful to any young child but are especially essential to one with ADHD.

“Make sure that both school and home are of one accord,” stresses Kristin Carothers, PhD, a clinical psychologist. Dr. Carothers often sets up a system she calls the daily report card. With this system, the child gets points from their teacher for things like completing work and following directions the first time they get them. Then they bring those points home, where their parents give them small rewards, such as extra time on the iPad or playing a game together.

Get support for yourself

It can be just as frustrating to watch your child withdraw from school as it can be difficult for the kid themself to focus. Elizabeth says that she often feels judged as a parent for having a son who struggles so much in school.

Some schools have support groups for parents of kids who are less motivated, and if your child’s school doesn’t, Elizabeth encourages setting one up. “It’s very comforting to hear that you’re not alone,” she says. “It’s also helpful to hear people who have gone ahead of you talk about how to navigate the school’s system, find a therapist, and talk to teachers.”

“If you’re feeling yourself getting really angry or frustrated with your kids, take a step back,” Dr. Carothers recommends. “Put things into context.”

It’s also important to keep your goals in perspective: Your child may not become a star student. Make sure to focus on the effort they put in and the commitment they show instead of the outcome. If you expect perfect achievement from a child who struggles in school, you’ll drive yourself crazy.

“I’m not trying to get my child to be someone he’s not,” Elizabeth says about her efforts to help her son. “I just want him to reach his potential.”

Frequently Asked Questions

You can motivate your child to do homework by letting them know you’re available to answer any questions they might have and that you see how hard they’re working. You can also reward them with small treats, like going out for ice cream, after they finish a certain amount of homework.

To motivate a child to do well in school, use positive reinforcement such as hugs and high fives, reward their effort rather than specific outcomes, and help them make the connection between current effort and achieving long-term goals such as getting into college.

Was this article helpful?

Explore popular topics, subscribe to our newsletters.

" * " indicates required fields

Don’t Miss Out

Create new account
Reset your password

Ready to unlock all our resources?

What to do when your child hates school

Child with their head between their knees

Monday morning. You are rushing to pack the kids' lunches and get them out of the house on time. But the youngest is ill. Again. You've taken him to the doctor, who can't seem to find the any reason for the mysterious flu-like symptoms. You’re beginning to suspect that your six year old's amateur dramatics – the tummy clutching and the shivers – can only be attributed to one simple fact: your child hates school.

Parentline Plus’s Sue Ormesher advises parents to first of all find out what is making their child unhappy: “It’s important to show that you want to understand your child's problems as they will be more likely to open up to you.”

Boost Your Child's Learning Today!

Start your child on a tailored learning programme
Get weekly English & maths resources sent direct to your inbox
Keep your child's learning on track

Not sure what’s wrong? Observe them at school

Educational reforms have made it simpler for parents to be directly involved in their children's education.

Mum-of-two Suzie Walsh from Manchester found that her five-year-old son went through a phase of hating school, so she shadowed him in the classroom for a week to see his interaction with his teacher and his peers first-hand. “I noticed that the teacher was not giving him a chance to speak and, as if in retaliation, he would become disruptive,” she says, “So I was able to see first-hand where things were going wrong and once I talked to my son about this and to the head teacher, we were able to make sure that he felt listened to.”

School refusal

School refusal isn’t just not wanting to go to school, it’s debilitating form of anxiety that affects around one per cent of children. It’s more common in boys, and tends to peak between ages five and six, and 11 and 12. If you think your child may be suffering from school refusal, find out more about it and read our action plan to decide what your next steps will be.

What if it’s bullying?

For some children, their hatred of school has nothing to do with their teacher but with unpopularity or, more seriously, bullying .

Chartered educational psychologist Tim Francis runs an online advice service for parents . He suggests parents observe their children during playtime or lunch breaks: “You tend to find that children with no friends are the ones who hang around the wire fence. You can help your child to better their social skills by talking to a teacher about implementing a buddy scheme, where more active children are assigned to those who don't find it as easy to interact. You can help them with their social skills training at home as well. These are easily available on the internet. And encourage your child to bring classmates home for dinner or for sleepovers.”

“If bullying is the problem, arrange a meeting at the school and make sure your child is included,” suggests Sue. “It helps to write down all the questions you have and the points you want to make. Try to keep copies of any letters you send and a diary of where you have gone for help and information.”

Teenagers and school

It may be the case, as it is with some teenagers, that there are no major problems but your child is going through the stage of thinking that school isn't ‘cool'.

“First of all, be aware that this is a very normal phase in any teenager’s development,” says Tim. “But in most cases parents can solve this problem by putting their foot down and telling their child that they find their refusal to attend school unacceptable. Alternatively you can emphasise the fact that unless they put the hard work in they will be unable to fulfil their dream of being a doctor or a policeman or whatever it is.”

Give your child a headstart

FREE articles & expert information
FREE resources & activities
FREE homework help

What to do when your child ‘hates’ school

Today in "Weekend Parenting" we continue a series of excerpts from “Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control,” the most recent book by “Today” show contributor Dr. Ruth Peters.

Law #22: Stand Up for School You may be surprised at the real reasons behind your kid’s whines of “I don’t want to go to school.” Children can be miserable in school because of social, learning, or anxiety issues — and these don’t just go away. Once you understand what’s really going on, you can help him overcome these obstacles to education.

OK — it’s Monday morning and you’re just getting started. Let’s see ... take the dog out, grab a shower, and wake up the kids to get ready for school. All goes as planned until your 9-year-old son hits you with, “I don’t wanna go to school” and rolls over on his top bunk. Now what? Most likely you’ve had to deal with this before, and you know that a combination of tickling and firm persuasion usually gets your kid up and moving.

Lots of children don’t want to get up and go to school, especially after having a weekend of fun. Hanging around the house and playing with friends sure beats having to pay attention in the classroom — so it’s not unusual for children to check to see if you’ll cave in and let them play hooky. It’s normal if your child tries this out occasionally, as long as he makes it to school without too much fuss. However, it’s a whole different ball game if the kid habitually balks at going to school or seems genuinely fearful or anxious about it. Kids, especially in the grade-school years, display school refusal behaviors for three main reasons.

They feel at risk socially — rejected, ostracized, or ignored by peers. The school environment may be perceived as lonely, uncomfortable, or threatening. It’s tough when you’re 7 years old and you feel unaccepted and different from the other kids.
Those who perceive themselves as academically inferior often feel picked on or teased by other children when they make errors in class, and many consider themselves to be dumb or stupid because of the teasing. (It’s humiliating to answer incorrectly in class with 20 kids watching your unsatisfactory performance.)
Children who are very active, perhaps even hyperactive, can become extremely uncomfortable when expected to sit for several hours in the classroom, even with breaks for recess, lunch, and PE. These kids seem to be constantly chastised by their teachers to stay in their seats, to focus on their work, or to keep their hands to themselves.

Children who display one or more of the above problems tend to have school refusal issues at some point in their academic careers. Feeling lonely, dumb, or unfocused would be uncomfortable for just about anyone. Consider the adult who feels rejected by her co-workers at the office — it’s no fun thinking that others are talking negatively about you or that they have little to say to you. Or, if you’re having trouble completing a project, and day after day your on-the-job frustration mounts, leaving work at 5 o’clock becomes a relief. Or ever feel antsy or edgy because you’re cooped up behind a desk pushing papers or answering phone calls while you yearn to be working outdoors?

Well, just as an adult who feels socially unaccepted, inferior to the task, or incompatible with the work environment would begin to be uncomfortable or unhappy with his job, so do kids with similar problems. It’s human nature to avoid an unpleasant situation by calling in sick to work or, for a child, by refusing to go to school. The child with school refusal issues is generally trying to avoid the unpleasantness he perceives waiting for him. So what can you do if this is your kid?

Understand the Reason First, listen to your child and take her seriously. If there’s a pattern of complaints about others not liking her, check it out further. Also, ask the teacher about children your child seems to get along with. Does she have a special friend to sit with at lunch or is she alone? Does she hang around kids at recess? If not, your daughter is legitimately feeling lonely and sad. What can you do? In the grade-school years, it’s still possible to help create and cement social relationships for your children. Encourage the teacher to pair her with another child whom your kid would like to get to know better. You can also jumpstart friendships by inviting classmates home to play after school or on weekends. Get to know the other moms and dads — some are probably in the same boat, looking to help their kids establish relationships with their classmates. Also, check out organizations such as Cub Scouts and Brownies, sports teams, or chorus and band — kids with similar interests tend to get along well, and their mutual experience helps conversations flow easier.

If your child fits into the second category leading to school refusal — that of being weak in an academic area or two — assessment and remediation should do the trick. Consult with your child’s teacher or guidance counselor to get information on achievement testing. After you understand the nature and causes of the weak areas, check into tutorial situations, both at school as well as privately. If your child’s testing meets certain criteria, he should be eligible for special programs providing individualized instruction to bring his knowledge, grades, and skills up to par. The process may be lengthy, so try to get started as soon as you notice a deficit area developing.

Once your child feels more comfortable with the work, he’ll feel smarter and more confident. The I-hate-school problem will tone down as he begins to look forward to answering questions in class and is no longer nervous about participating in front of his peers.

The third group of kids, those antsy, fidgety Phils, present a challenge for even the most seasoned teachers. It’s difficult to remain diplomatic when a kid is constantly getting out of his seat, wiggling around, dropping pencils, or talking to his neighbor. Teachers often resort to reminding, nagging, and disciplining fidgety, overactive kids much more than their quiet, self-controlled counterparts. Often this makes children feel singled out and picked on by the teacher, leading to anxiety about coming to class the next day.

There are three ways to keep your antsy, unfocused child on task: use a reward system for completing work in the classroom, provide academic remediation for knowledge gaps in weak areas, and consider medication for kids who are diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. These techniques generally help children to focus on their work rather than on the contents of their neighbor’s pencil box, and keep their bodies in their seats.

It’s amazing what a reward system will accomplish if the consequences for completing class work, staying in their seat, and not making car noises during math class are important and consistently delivered! Once your child realizes self-control and success via one or more of these methods, he’ll feel on top of the work in the classroom and less worried about being “picked on” by the teacher or others.

What to Expect as Your Child Moves to Middle and High School School refusal generally decreases dramatically as children grow older. Although social rejection still can play a major role in adolescence, the sheer size of most middle and high schools lends itself to kids finding a buddy or two. Also, many academic problems have been worked out by then — either through direct remediation, compensation, or inclusion in a special program at school. In addition, the fidgety second grader usually becomes calmer by middle school and no longer is constantly chided by teachers to sit still. He may still be displaying inattention, but generally this does not lead to behavior-based referrals or classroom embarrassment.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel — the Monday morning chorus of, “I hate school, do I hafta go?” decreases as your child gets older. The trick is to decipher what’s motivating the school refusal behavior and to take the appropriate steps toward remediation.

Living the Law Worried about your child’s school performance, attitude, or academic self-confidence? Check out the following suggestions.

Have a heart-to-heart chat with your kid . Is he refusing to go to school because he feels socially outcast or academically inferior, or could it be that he’s uncomfortable because he just can’t sit still? Often your child will know and can talk about what is really going on at school, especially if you’ve already worked on .

If your child is clueless, check with the teacher. Often a savvy teacher has a hunch about what’s really cooking with your kid. But, if she’s unsure as to the basis of the problems, it may be wise to seek professional help for specific recommendations.

Contact your school counselor to set up a complete psychoeducational evaluation. This will help to determine your child’s strengths and weaknesses in order to begin a program of remediation. It may be beneficial to set him up in a special class or program to meet his unique needs, or after-school tutoring or remediation just may do the trick.

Set up a study skills program. If you see that your child is disorganized in school or during homework time and the psychoeducational evaluation shows no deficits, then it’s a matter of teaching him good study skills. Use a daily assignment sheet that the child fills in and each teacher signs to validate that the homework and test dates are accurate. The child uses this guide to determine what books and folders need to be taken home each day.

Next, make sure that homework is completed in a timely fashion . Quiz the kid to make sure that he’s comprehending what he’s reading, and review what he doesn’t seem to know. Teach him to pack his organizer and book bag at night, so that in the morning he’s ready to go. You may find that , is beneficial in motivating your child to learn and employ good study skills.

If your child is socially anxious, let him know that he’s not alone. Many children go through a period of feeling alone, invisible, or “out-of-it.” Help to begin or cement new friendships by contacting some classmates’ parents to set up playdates. All your child may need is one good friend to sit with at lunch or to play with at recess to feel on top of the world. She’ll gain confidence and social skills as her relationships progress. It’s not only OK but at times necessary for parents to jumpstart friendships and to promote pro-social behavior in their children.

NEXT WEEK: The importance of keeping your cool

PLEASE NOTE: The information in this column should not be construed as providing specific psychological or medical advice, but rather to offer readers information to better understand the lives and health of themselves and their children. It is not intended to provide an alternative to professional treatment or to replace the services of a physician, psychiatrist or psychotherapist.

Work with Me

Books and Courses

How to Respond to Your Child’s Negative Self-Talk

No parent wants to hear their child say, “I’m dumb” or “I’m stupid,” or even worse, “No one loves me.” Rather than panicking or minimizing their experience, use these tips to respond to your child’s negative self-talk .

What to say when your child says, "I'm stupid" or "No one loves me." Plus, ideas for creating a positive atmosphere in your home!

“I’m so dumb,” your child mumbles at the kitchen table. He bangs his fist on the table and growls.

He’s working on a writing assignment. Writing does not come easy. Eraser smudges fill his page showing that he was not happy with his previous attempts.

“You’re not dumb, honey,” you say soothingly.

He crumples the paper and yells back, “Yes I am! I’m so stupid! I’m the worst!”

You hang your head in your hands.

Is he just being dramatic? Does he really think he’s dumb?

How to respond to negative self-talk.

When negative self-talk spews from your child’s mouth, your knee-jerk reaction is to stop it. To give your child some reassurance or to convince them that their thinking is flawed.

Unfortunately, their words may match their feelings. They do not feel “loveable” or “wonderful” (as you may suggest), they feel “dumb,” “stupid,” and “like the worst kid in the world.”

Instead of moving in to fix it, try these ideas to address the underlying feeling and their internal struggle.

Empathize: Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand what they may be feeling. “That writing assignment’s pretty challenging, eh?” or “Wow, sounds like you’re feeling frustrated!” If you can’t think of what to say, try a simple response like, “That’s tough” or “Need a hug?”
Get curious: Some kids have a hard time verbalizing the problem. When you start to explore the situation together, they may be able to understand what’s really bugging them. “I wonder why this assignment is tripping you up today.” or “Is it all writing assignments or this one in particular?”
Rewrite the script: Once you’ve explored, you can work together to create some new phrases to try . Instead of “Writing is hard. I’m stupid,” your child could say, “I’m working hard on writing” or “Making mistakes is part of learning.” Or even, “Mom, I’m so frustrated with this assignment.”
Problem-solve together: Resist the urge to suggest a solution to the problem or lead them to an answer that seems right to you. Work as a team. Sometimes, there is no easy solution or quick fix because the answer is, “I have to keep practicing” or “I am working toward the goal.”
Challenge thoughts and feelings: Feelings come and go , they do not define you. Your child may FEEL unloveable, but feeling something doesn’t mean it’s true. Someone can struggle and not be stupid. Talk about times when your child has overcome something difficult and felt confident or excited.

Keep your conversations brief, don’t tackle all of this at once.

You’re eager to help your child, but it’s not always easy to accept positive, reassuring comments if you’ve been in a negative-thinking frame of mind. Expect some resistance at first. Especially if your child is not used to seeing things in a different light.

What else can you do?

Create an environment of support, encouragement and teach frustration tolerance using these tips.

Give Choices: Let your child have the option to make choices throughout the day, picking their outfit, afternoon snack, or where to do their homework. Give positive feedback for good choices and watch your criticism ! If you give them a choice, keep your negative opinions to yourself.
Embrace Imperfection: Everyone makes mistakes – even you! Practice using light-hearted responses to mistakes, “Oops! The milk spilled! Let’s wipe it up!” Model healthy ways to handle frustration, apologize after yelling , or acknowledge your part in a misunderstanding.
Focus on the Good: Instead of nit-picking or constantly focusing on things that need to be changed, fixed or cleaned, learn to let go. Building or repairing relationship may be more important than a tidy bedroom. Try to give 5 positive statements to every 1 negative statement.
Encourage Independence: Kids need parents to help them make good decisions or stay focused, but sometimes constant direction sends the message: “You can’t do it on your own.” Brainstorm or problem-solve together , ask your child’s opinion or have him offer a solution.
Value Perseverance: Focus on the little steps that lead to success, overcoming an obstacle, or moving closer to a goal. Phrases such as, “You’re working really hard on that…” or “That took a lot of effort!” help your child see the benefit in the process rather than the prize at the end.
Teach Coping Skills: Expose your child to a variety of coping and calming skills , work on deep breathin g and create positive, helpful mantras. Practice these skills often so your child is prepared and knows how to handle frustrating situations and discouraging thoughts.
Seek support: If you have been working with your child for a while and still hear them struggling with negative self-talk, or if they threaten to harm themselves or others, it may be time to seek help from a local mental health provider. (If your child is suicidal, please get help immediately)

Looking up from your hands, you meet your child’s eyes.

“This is a frustrating assignment.”

“Yeah.” He replies.

“How can I help?” you ask.

Shrugging, he replies, “you could do it for me.”

You both laugh.

It doesn’t change the assignment, but at least you can talk about it without hearing the word “dumb.”

For more suggestions, Check out Katie Hurley’s post, “How to Help Your Negative Thinker.”

Need More Support?

These conversations are not always easy. If you are struggling to know what to say (or what not to say!) Parent Coaching can help! We’ll meet “face-to-face” to talk through these challenges and you’ll receive personalized solutions that work for your unique family. Schedule an appointment today!

Additional Recommended Reading

Welcome! I'm Nicole Schwarz.

I'm a Parent Coach, Licensed Therapist and Author of It Starts with You . I help stressed, overwhelmed, confused parents find calm, confidence and connection with their kids. No one is expecting perfection here. But, if you’re willing to examine your parenting, find encouragement, or try something new, this is the place for you.

Comments have been turned off to retain the privacy of all families. If you have a question or comment on the topic, you're always welcome to contact me.

Ask the expert: My 7-year-old son says he hates himself

A lot of self-criticism happens around homework but he is doing well at school.

When you witness a burst of self-criticism, it is first important to acknowledge your son’s feelings and help him understand them.

Q My seven-year-old son can be really self-critical. When he can't do something, he sometimes has a melt down and starts saying that he is stupid or that he can do nothing or even that he hates himself . It is a bit shocking to hear him speak like this. I, of course, counteract this, saying that we love him and think he is great , but he doesn't seem to listen. A lot of it seems to happen around homework , which is just starting to be substantive .

We mentioned it to the teacher and she says he is doing fine in class and would rate him as above average academically. It might be that he is a bit of a perfectionist and he expects too much of himself or something. It is hard to witness his outbursts of self-criticism. What can we do to help him?

AMany children have a perfectionist streak that can lead to them being very self-critical about their work and achievements. Like your son, many of these children can become very frustrated and upset when things don’t go their own way and they can express this frustration towards themselves in self-criticism and self-anger.

Not only can this inhibit a child from learning and damage their self-esteem over time, it is very hard to witness as a parent. While some aspects of perfectionism are down to personality, this natural drive can also be moulded and encouraged to be expressed more positively.

Soothe your son emotionally

When you witness a burst of self-criticism, it is first important to acknowledge your son’s feelings and help him understand them. This means you might say “you sound frustrated” or “I know you wanted to get all those figures right – it’s hard when it doesn’t happen.”

The key is having an empathic, calm tone – you listen and understand but you don’t get upset in response.

This helps your son understand and learn to contain his feelings so they don’t escalate out of control.

Gently challenge perfectionism

Once your son has calmed down a little, it is helpful to get him to talk about what is going on in his mind when he feels that way. For example, if he says he is stupid, you might ask “What makes you say this?” It is important to ask this question calmly with an inquisitive tone. Once he answers then you can gently challenge the perfectionist idea underpinning it. For example, “Just because you got one wrong doesn’t mean that.” Or if he says people think he is stupid, you can ask “Do people really think that?”

In these discussions, your son might talk about other problems that you can help him with. For example, if he says someone called him stupid in school, you can acknowledge that was not a nice thing to be called but also ask him to think this through – “Why would a boy say that? Perhaps this boy is insecure or jealous. Does it matter what he thinks anyway?”

Help him understand perfectionism

It can be helpful to sit down and explain to him that perfectionism is something “external” to him so he can learn to challenge it himself. For example, you could say, “Some adults and children think they have to do things perfectly. It is like they have a little voice in their heads that says ‘you are stupid if it is not perfect’. This voice can make you very upset when things aren’t perfect. But of course it is only a little voice that you don’t have to listen to. Does this ever happen to you?”

The goal is to help him put his perfectionist in perspective and not let it dominate him.

Praise his positive qualities

Avoid over-praising success which could aggravate his perfectionism and instead praise his efforts and what he has done right, whatever the outcome. For example, you can say, “You made a great effort, well done,” or “You spent lots of time on that work, that is great persistence.”

It is also important to praise him any time you see him managing his perfectionism – “You gave it another go in a calm way, that is great.”

You can also give him alternatives to some of the harsh self-judgments he might make. Instead of saying “I’m stupid” to himself, he could be encouraged to say “I did my best” or “I learn when I make a mistake” or “nobody’s perfect”. Make this into a game and get him to identify his negative thoughts and then write out replacement self-statements that he can use when upset.

Model self-acceptance

It also matters how you talk about your own disappointments to your son. The more you can model a constructive way of managing your upsetting feelings, the more your son will learn from you. For example, you might talk out loud in front of him when something goes wrong for you – “I’m a bit disappointed that it did not go well . . . but hopefully it will be better the next time.”

One parent I worked with knew he was making progress with his perfectionist son when, after talking about something that did not go as well as he hoped, his son came in to support him saying, “Dad, don’t worry, you did your best, that is all you can do.”

Finally, it is important to remember that there are many positives to the perfectionist side to your son’s personality such as drive, energy and attention to detail. Your goal as a parent is to encourage these positive aspects while reducing the negatives by encouraging more self- compassion and acceptance.

Dr John Sharry is a family psychotherapist and co-developer of the Parents Plus Programmes. He will be delivering a workshop on "Creating Balance in Your Life" on Saturday January 9th, 10am-1pm, in Wynn's Hotel, Dublin 1. See www.solutiontalk.ie for details. For more Ask the Expert columns, see irishtimes.com

IN THIS SECTION

Waiting for kay 2: researchers bemoan demise of ireland’s supercomputer, galway-based start-up enterasense strikes deal with us medtech group, irish life insurance to hike premiums by average of 5.3% on adult plans, woman fell to her death after eating cannabis jelly, inquest hears, ‘gaslighting’ of health workers by robert watt unacceptable, says union chief, big parties set to win seats in each of three european parliament constituencies, poll finds, irish workers among the least productive in europe, study indicates, every time i travel abroad i am gripped by the fear that ireland is making a fool of me, refugees remaining in direct provision after being allowed stay in ireland could be charged rent, i visited singapore to see why it is ranked as the top education system in the world. here’s what i learned, latest stories, cyclist (70s) dies after road crash involving car on dame street in dublin, israel-hamas war: supplies arrive in gaza via new pier but land routes essential - us aid chief, weekend weather: mixed weather forecast across country, says met éireann, donald trump falsely tells supporters he won minnesota in 2020, can us modular home specialist deliver for ireland.

Terms & Conditions
Privacy Policy
Cookie Information
Cookie Settings
Community Standards

China launches campaign to halt school bullying, excessive homework

Medium Text

The coronavirus disease (COVID-19) outbreak, in Wuhan

Reporting by Farah Master and the Beijing newsroom; Editing by Bernadette Baum

Our Standards: The Thomson Reuters Trust Principles. New Tab , opens new tab

Unfinished residential development by China Evergrande Group, in the outskirts of Shijiazhuang

World Chevron

A man cycles in front of the National Assembly Building of Vietnam, in Hanoi

Vietnam Communist party names top cop as state president

Vietnam's Communist Party has named police minister To Lam as the state president, the government said on Saturday, and also nominated a new head of the parliament in a major leadership reshuffle.

ABC7 New York 24/7 Eyewitness News Stream Watch Now
THE LOOP | NYC Weather and Traffic Cams Watch Now

19-year-old arrested, charged with murder in fatal shooting of teen in SoHo

SOHO, Manhattan (WABC) -- A 19-year-old has been arrested and charged with murder in the fatal shooting of a 16-year-old in SoHo.

Henry Thomas was arrested Friday morning in Harlem. He is charged with murder as police continue searching for a second suspect in Makhi Brown's death.

Brown was allegedly breaking up an argument between two Broome Street Academy Charter High School students when someone pulled a gun and shot him in the head .

"That's just who he is. He's a loyal person. That's just something that was instilled in him," his father, Maurice Brown, said.

Officials say two men fled the scene of the shooting on a Citi Bike.

On Wednesday night, loved ones remembered the 16-year-old victim and pleaded for the end of gun violence.

Brown was an outstanding high school student and basketball player who was already talking about playing college ball.

"Watching him from a baby, changing his Pampers as he grew to be a gentleman, loved school, loved sports," his aunt, Fatima Brown said.

Community leaders in East Flatbush, where Brown lived, held a vigil for him earlier this week, and some pleaded with the community to help stop gun violence in the city.

"This is New York City, nothing is really safe out here. Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn, Bronx, Coney Island, Staten Island. This is everywhere," Maurice Brown said.

* Get Eyewitness News Delivered

* More Manhattan news

* Send us a news tip

* Download the abc7NY app for breaking news alerts

* Follow us on YouTube

Submit a tip or story idea to Eyewitness News

Have a breaking news tip or an idea for a story we should cover? Send it to Eyewitness News using the form below. If attaching a video or photo, terms of use apply.

Thousands run the RBC Brooklyn Half

21 minutes ago

Firefighter revived after collapsing in Bronx house fire

Knicks lose 116-103 to Pacers; Indiana forces Game 7

Man arrested in random attack on actor Steve Buscemi

Diddy seen kicking, dragging Cassie in surveillance video: Report

AccuWeather: More clouds and a passing shower

17 minutes ago

Homeowner tours damage left behind by squatters

Federal judge to hear several lawsuits challenging congestion pricing

Do You or Your Child Confuse Hatred and Anger?

In a moment of conflict, kids can say "i hate you," and it feels devastating..

Posted May 16, 2024 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

How Can I Manage My Anger?
Find counselling to heal from anger
Parents need to be able to tolerate their children's anger.
Parents need to know the difference between anger and hatred.
If parents understand that their child is just angry when they say, "I hate you," it will be easier to handle.

Recently a mother I know told me that her son hates her.

She is going through a divorce , and her six-year-old son has been yelling at her and even trying to kick and hit her on occasion. We needed to talk about this.

I have known this mother ever since her son was born, and I know quite a lot about her mothering. She is a good mother. And I am sure that her son does not hate her. I know that (most of the time) he loves her and depends on her and looks forward to coming back to her after time spent with his Dad.

But I also know he is very confused and angry about the divorce. And I also know that his Dad is harder to be angry with because he is very strict.

It is easy for kids and teens to confuse anger and hatred. When a child or teenager is extremely angry, they yell and scream and they may even say the dreaded words, “I hate you!”

And while they may actually feel that they hate you in that moment, it is likely that they are expressing how angry they are—and not an enduring feeling about you.

The same thing can happen when we are angry—especially with someone we are in a very close relationship with, like a partner, sibling , or parent. We may feel that we truly hate them.

Anger can be that powerful.

But that is the difference between anger and hatred. Our children—and we ourselves—become angry with someone when they hurt us or do something that we dislike or have asked them not to do. It is a temporary emotional response.

We hate someone because of who they are —because they have enduring characteristics that we just cannot tolerate and that violate our own values or morals or that hurt us or others repeatedly.

Why is this distinction important?

Let’s go back to the mother I referred to above. It is extremely important for her well-being that she understands that her son really does not hate her. If she believes that he does, her feelings about herself as a mother will be altered in a potentially destructive way. She will feel terrible about herself and about her relationship with her son.
Some researchers believe that when we define our feelings toward another as hatred, we are more likely to act in a hateful way. In an important study on this topic, Fisher et al. pointed out that hatred is usually based on a belief that the person who is hated is always deserving of hate. Hating someone is based on the idea that the hateful things about them are stable and always present. As they say, “there is little room for constructive change”; this is just the way the person is . ”And therefore [the only] options left [are] to act upon one’s hate.”

So—do we allow our children to act on their hateful feelings? Do we allow the child who “hates” us to leave the house to go stay with a friend? Do we ourselves break up a friendship because we feel this strongly about our friend?

We are living in a time of escalating division. We need to educate our children—and ourselves—in regard to the difference between anger and hatred, so that neither they nor we have to act on our angry feelings, and so that we can open up the possibility that when we think we hate someone, we can actually allow ourselves to calm down and consider the possibility that we were just angry with them—and they do not deserve our hatred.

This is an important distinction for our children to learn. When they say that they hate us, it does not feel good to them, and afterward, they are likely to feel quite guilty.

We can teach them about the differences between anger and hatred—and we can also remember them ourselves so that the next time our child says they hate us, we do not feel quite so devastated.

How do we help children make this distinction?

These same researchers I mentioned above concluded that “trying to explain the hated target’s actions in terms of circumstances rather than nature [is] a first step” in de-escalating one’s hating feelings.

In other words, if we can believe that the way the other person acted had to do with particular circumstances rather than because that is just how they are, we can begin to understand that we do not hate them—we are angry with how they acted.

So, when we argue with our partner or when our child shouts at us that she hates us, after everyone calms down, the question is: Can the person who felt hatred ask themselves whether the other person is really deserving of hate?

It is critical that we try to disentangle these two emotions—when we take in what our children are giving out, when we interpret our own emotions, and when we evaluate what is happening in our neighborhoods, our country, and our world.

Friendships, partnerships, the parent-child relationship, and the relationships between groups of people can all be fraught at certain moments of conflict. But, generally, these relationships can survive anger.

We need to show our children—and remember ourselves—that we can survive their anger and still love them. In fact, it would be odd if there was not some anger involved now and then in our relationship with them. But labeling these feelings as hatred makes the stakes much more dramatic.

We can try to help our children understand that when they are upset with someone they may be tempted to use the words, “I hate you!” when what they really feel is anger….and we can try to remember this ourselves as well.

Fisher et al. (2018). Why we hate. Emotion Review Vol. 10, No. 4 (October 2018) 309–320.

Corinne Masur, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst in private practice in Chester Springs, Pennsylvania.

Find a Therapist
Find a Treatment Center
Find a Psychiatrist
Find a Support Group
Find Online Therapy
International
New Zealand
South Africa
Switzerland
Asperger's
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Eating Disorders
Passive Aggression
Personality
Goal Setting
Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Child Development
Self Tests NEW
Therapy Center
Diagnosis Dictionary
Types of Therapy

At any moment, someone’s aggravating behavior or our own bad luck can set us off on an emotional spiral that threatens to derail our entire day. Here’s how we can face our triggers with less reactivity so that we can get on with our lives.

Emotional Intelligence
Gaslighting
Affective Forecasting
Neuroscience

Supported by

How Republicans Echo Antisemitic Tropes Despite Declaring Support for Israel

Prominent Republicans have seized on campus protests to assail what they say is antisemitism on the left. But for years they have mainstreamed anti-Jewish rhetoric.

Share full article

Quotes from politicians highlighting the phrases “the Globalist cabal,” “the man behind the curtain,” “billionaire puppeteer” and “globalist elite that hates them and wants them humiliated or destroyed and replaced.”

By Karen Yourish , Danielle Ivory , Jennifer Valentino-DeVries and Alex Lemonides

The reporters collected and analyzed thousands of public statements from Republican and Democratic politicians and transcripts of extremist podcasts to identify trends in the use of antisemitic rhetoric.

The Republican speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, traveled to Columbia University two weeks ago to decry the “virus of antisemitism” that he said pro-Palestinian protesters were spreading across the country. “They have chased down Jewish students. They have mocked them and reviled them,” he said to jeers from protesters. “They have shouted racial epithets. They have screamed at those who bear the Star of David.”

Former President Donald J. Trump chimed in. President Biden, he wrote on Truth Social, “HATES Israel and Hates the Jewish people.”

Amid the widening protests and the unease, if not fear, among many Jews, Republicans have sought to seize the political advantage by portraying themselves as the true protectors of Israel and Jews under assault from the progressive left.

While largely peaceful, the campus protests over Israel’s bombardment of Gaza that has killed tens of thousands have been loud and disruptive and have at times taken on a sharpened edge. Jewish students have been shouted at to return to Poland, where Nazis killed three million Jews during the Holocaust. There are chants and signs in support of Hamas, whose attack on Israel sparked the current war. A leader of the Columbia protests declared in a video that “Zionists don’t deserve to live.”

Debate rages over the extent to which the protests on the political left constitute coded or even direct attacks on Jews. But far less attention has been paid to a trend on the right: For all of their rhetoric of the moment, increasingly through the Trump era many Republicans have helped inject into the mainstream thinly veiled anti-Jewish messages with deep historical roots.

The conspiracy theory taking on fresh currency is one that dates back hundreds of years and has perennially bubbled into view: that a shady cabal of wealthy Jews secretly controls events and institutions contrary to the national interest of whatever country it is operating in.

The current formulation of the trope taps into the populist loathing of an elite “ruling class.” “Globalists” or “globalist elites” are blamed for everything from Black Lives Matter to the influx of migrants across the southern border, often described as a plot to replace native-born Americans with foreigners who will vote for Democrats. The favored personification of the globalist enemy is George Soros, the 93-year-old Hungarian American Jewish financier and Holocaust survivor who has spent billions in support of liberal causes and democratic institutions.

This language is hardly new — Mr. Soros became a boogeyman of the American far right long before the ascendancy of Mr. Trump. And the elected officials now invoking him or the globalists rarely, if ever, directly mention Jews or blame them outright. Some of them may not immediately understand the antisemitic resonance of the meme, and in some cases its use may simply be reflexive political rhetoric. But its rising ubiquity reflects the breaking down of old guardrails on all types of degrading speech, and the cross-pollination with the raw, sometimes hate-filled speech of the extreme right, in a party under the sway of the norm-defying former, and perhaps future, president.

In a July 2023 email to supporters, the Trump campaign employed an image that bears striking resemblance to a Nazi-era cartoon of a hook-nosed puppet master manipulating world figures: Mr. Soros as puppet master , pulling the strings controlling President Biden.

To take a measure of the drumbeat of the cabal conspiracy theory among elected officials, The New York Times reviewed about five years of campaign emails from Mr. Trump, as well as press releases, tweets and newsletters of members of Congress over the last decade.

The review found that last year at least 790 emails from Mr. Trump to his supporters invoked Mr. Soros or globalists conspiratorially, a meteoric rise from prior years. The Times also found that House and Senate Republicans increasingly used “Soros” and “globalist” in ways that evoked the historical tropes, from just a handful of messages in 2013 to more than 300 messages from 79 members in 2023.

Antisemitic use of the terms “globalist” or “Soros” in public statements by members of Congress

Number of statements, number of members.

Note: The Times analyzed tweets, press releases and newsletters from members of Congress. Some press releases were provided by Legistorm. Newsletters were available at DCInbox.

By Lazaro Gamio

Mr. Trump frequently referred to Mr. Soros as “ shadowy ” and “ the man behind the curtain who’s destroying our country .” He linked Mr. Soros and other enemies to a “ globalist cabal ,” echoing the trope that Jews secretly control the world’s financial and political systems — an idea espoused in “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion,” a fraudulent document used by Stalin and the Nazis as a rationale for targeting Jews. Republican members of Congress repeatedly made incendiary and conspiratorial claims about Mr. Soros and globalists — that they were “ evil ,” that they “ hate America ” and that they wanted the American people to be “humiliated or destroyed and replaced or dead .” Republicans blamed them for leading people to “ forget about God and family values,” for controlling the media, for allowing “ violent criminals and rapists to get off scot-free” and more.

Conservative lawmakers dispute the notion that invoking Mr. Soros and globalists is antisemitic. “Not every criticism of Mr. Soros is antisemitic,” said Representative Matt Gaetz of Florida. “Every criticism of Mr. Soros that I have levied is directed specifically at his flawed policy goals.” What’s more, he said, “I regularly criticize globalists of all faiths.”

Republican elected officials also point to their longstanding support for Israel. “Jewish Americans and Jewish leaders around the world recognize that President Trump did more for them and the State of Israel than any president in history,” said a spokeswoman for Mr. Trump. She added, “Joe Biden can’t stand up to antisemitism in his own Democrat Party — primarily because his biggest donors like George Soros help fund it.”

Dov Waxman, a professor of Israel studies at the University of California, Los Angeles, said that Mr. Trump and other Republicans “are presenting themselves as committed to fighting antisemitism, but they’re actually mainstreaming some of the most antisemitic ideas in circulation today.”

That duality was encapsulated on the day the House speaker visited Columbia. Mr. Trump, speaking to reporters that evening at the Manhattan courthouse where he is on trial, amped up his criticism of the campus protests — and added a twist: He compared them to the violent 2017 march in Charlottesville, Va., where torch-bearing white supremacists chanted, “Jews will not replace us.” At the time, he sought to minimize the deadly Charlottesville rally by saying there were “very fine people on both sides.” Now, he called it “a little peanut,” adding: “The hate wasn’t the kind of hate that you have here. This is tremendous hate.”

Oct. 7 Creates an Opening

From campuses in turmoil to the halls of Congress, activism on the left has ignited ever-more-fevered debate over the meaning, propriety and limits of language.

Chief among the phrases at issue is “From the river to the sea, Palestine must be free,” which has become a mantra of the campus protests. While pro-Palestine activists describe the chant as a rallying cry for Palestinian liberation, to many supporters of Israel it signals a call for the destruction of the Jewish state.

Indeed, the pro-Palestinian movement has long faced accusations that its criticism of Israeli policy, particularly its opposition to the idea of a Jewish homeland on disputed territory, amounts to prejudice against Jews.

In November, the Republican-led House, with support from 22 Democrats, censured Representative Rashida Tlaib, a Michigan Democrat and Congress’s sole Palestinian American, for her statements after the Hamas attack, including “ from the river to the sea .”

(The Times’s review of lawmakers’ statements found roughly 20 from the last decade by a handful of Democrats, including Ms. Tlaib, that could be construed as antisemitic. These included “from the river to the sea,” as well as messages that Israel was a colonialist state or that lobbyist money was the driving force behind political support for Israel.)

In response to her censure, Ms. Tlaib said her criticisms were of Israel’s government, not Jews. “The idea that criticizing the government of Israel is antisemitic sets a very dangerous precedent, and it’s being used to silence diverse voices speaking up for human rights across our nation,” she said.

But the new surge of pro-Palestinian activism in traditionally left-wing spaces like college campuses has left some American Jews feeling especially vulnerable, an anxiety that has only grown as the protests and the efforts to shut them down have become more confrontational. In the wake of the Hamas attack, many have been stunned by what they see as a lack of empathy or solidarity from groups and people they had previously considered allies.

Accompanying the campus protests — and the furor surrounding them — have been sharp increases in reports of antisemitic incidents on a broader national canvas.

In 2023, the Anti-Defamation League reported more than 8,800 instances of anti-Jewish violence, harassment and vandalism, the most since it began tracking incidents in 1979 and a 140 percent increase from the record set the previous year. The tally included a 30 percent increase in antisemitic propaganda from white supremacists, from 852 incidents in 2022 to 1,112 in 2023.

The A.D.L.’s new figures, however, reflect the heightened sensitivities over language: After Oct. 7, as the Forward first reported, the A.D.L. broadened its criteria to include more “anti-Zionist chants and slogans” at rallies.

“For us, the context has changed,” explained Oren Segal, vice president of the A.D.L. Center on Extremism. “After a massacre that kills 1,200 Israelis, we were including more of those expressions in support for terror, more of the calls that ‘Palestine will be free from the river to the sea’ as antisemitic incidents in a way that we had not traditionally done.”

The post-Oct. 7 turmoil has split both American Jewry and the Democratic Party. The protesters have assailed not just Israeli policy but also President Biden’s support for Israel in the Gaza war. Against that backdrop, there has been much political opportunism.

In March, when the Senate majority leader, Chuck Schumer, a New York Democrat and the nation’s highest-ranking Jewish elected official, called for new elections to replace Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, congressional Republicans accused him of being anti-Israel. Mr. Trump went further, saying that “any Jewish person that votes for Democrats hates their religion.” When Jewish groups criticized his comments, the Trump campaign held firm , saying that the Democratic Party “has turned into a full-blown anti-Israel, antisemitic, pro-terrorist cabal.”

The fissures have opened up on both sides of the aisle.

In a series of hearings since Oct. 7, House Republicans have grilled educational leaders on antisemitism, and last week they introduced a bill to crack down on antisemitic speech on college campuses.While it passed overwhelmingly, with bipartisan support, it gave Republicans a hoped-for opening to press their case that Democrats are soft on antisemitism: Seventy progressive Democrats voted “no,” with some worrying that it would inappropriately inhibit criticism of Israel. But the bill also ended up splitting the right: Twenty-one Republicans voted against it, saying that they feared it would outlaw parts of the Bible.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, Republican of Georgia, said she would not vote for a bill that “could convict Christians of antisemitism for believing the gospel that says Jesus was handed over to Herod to be crucified by the Jews.” The assertion that Jews were responsible for the killing of Jesus is widely considered an antisemitic trope and has been disavowed by the Roman Catholic Church.

(Evangelical Christians, who have been central to Republicans’ support for Israel, believe that God made an unbreakable promise to Jews designating the region as their homeland. Some also connect Israel’s existence to biblical prophecies about the last days before a theocratic kingdom is established on Earth and, some believe, those who do not convert to Christianity perish.)

In this moment, many Jews in America feel that the most salient threats come from anti-Israel activity, even if in the long term they should not dismiss strains of antisemitism on the “reactionary right” and the “illiberal left,” said Alvin Rosenfeld, director of the Institute for the Study of Contemporary Antisemitism at Indiana University, Bloomington.

“If you were to ask me, where do I think the most serious threats today come from,” he said, “it wouldn’t be first and foremost from some things that politicians have said.”

But as America’s presidential election draws nearer, he cautioned, that might change.

“It’s turning very ugly,” he said, adding that Mr. Trump’s comments about Jews who vote for Democrats “go beyond what I could have imagined, even. It’s not just bad, it’s vile.”

Targeting Soros

Mr. Trump once claimed to be “the least antisemitic person that you’ve ever seen in your entire life,” but he has a history of trafficking in antisemitic tropes.

During the 2016 campaign, he tweeted a photo of Hillary Clinton against a backdrop of $100 bills and a Star of David. His closing campaign ad featured Mr. Soros — along with Janet L. Yellen, then chairwoman of the Federal Reserve, and Lloyd Blankfein, then the chief executive of Goldman Sachs, both of whom are Jewish — as examples of “global special interests” enriching themselves on the backs of working Americans.

In 2018, he helped popularize the unfounded conspiracy theory that Mr. Soros was financing a caravan of Central American migrants, a view shared by the gunman who killed 11 congregants at a Pittsburgh synagogue.

Mr. Trump’s targeting of Mr. Soros escalated in the run-up to his indictment last April in Manhattan on charges related to hush-money payments to a porn star who claimed they had had a sexual encounter. Mr. Trump said the Manhattan district attorney, Alvin L. Bragg, had been “handpicked and funded by George Soros,” an allegation then amplified by Trump acolytes.

In fact, Mr. Soros’s involvement was indirect: In 2021, the political arm of a racial-justice organization called Color of Change pledged $1 million to the Bragg campaign; shortly afterward, the group received $1 million from Mr. Soros, one of several donations, totaling about $4 million, since 2016. Color of Change eventually spent about $425,000 in support of Mr. Bragg; a spokesman for Mr. Soros said none of his contributions had been earmarked for the candidate.

Since then, Mr. Trump’s attacks have only intensified and widened — blaming Mr. Soros or globalists, for example, for letting “violent criminals” go free, “buying the White House” and turning America into a “Marxist Third World nation.”

In Congress, Republican lawmakers who followed Mr. Trump’s lead run the gamut, from conspiracy theorists like Ms. Greene and Paul Gosar of Arizona to party leaders like Elise Stefanik of New York, the No. 4 House Republican, and Mr. Johnson.

On several occasions, Mr. Johnson has criticized the Manhattan district attorney prosecuting Mr. Trump by prominently referring to his indirect links to Mr. Soros. Last spring, in a newsletter to constituents, he called Mr. Bragg the “Soros-selected D.A.”

In a statement for this article, a spokesman dismissed the idea that Mr. Johnson’s references to Mr. Soros were antisemitic, pointing to the antisemitism bill introduced last week by Republicans. He added, “No numbers of opinions from so-called ‘experts’ can change the fact that pro-Hamas campus agitators and the D.A.s who are supposed to prosecute them have both been funded by major Democrat donors including Mr. Soros.”

Ms. Greene has been among the most prolific users of the trope. She has invoked Mr. Soros or “globalists” at least 120 times over the last five years, including referring to him at least a dozen times during the 2020 election as an “enemy of the people,” an epithet used by Nazis and Stalinists that Mr. Trump has wielded against journalists and other perceived opponents. She did not respond to a request for comment.

Across the centuries, the conspiracy theory of the manipulative, avaricious Jew has worn many faces, from Judas to Shylock to the Rothschilds. Under Stalin, accusations of “rootless cosmopolitanism” echoed Hitler’s charges about a “poison injected by the international and cosmopolitan Jew[s],” to destroy the Aryan race.

After the Cold War, the code words “internationalist” and “cosmopolitan” were largely replaced by “globalist” and “Soros,” according to Pamela Nadell, a professor of history and Jewish studies at American University. Mr. Soros became a target of Hungary’s right-wing nationalist prime minister, Viktor Orban, who is something of a hero on the American right.

An analysis of right-wing extremist media in the United States — including neo-Nazi sites like The Daily Stormer and an A.D.L. database of the transcripts of more than 50,000 episodes of extremist and conspiracy-oriented podcasts — revealed a flood of bluntly antisemitic iterations of the globalist and Soros tropes.

In a June 2022 podcast, for example, Harry Vox, a self-described investigative journalist, railed against “every scumbag who uses the word ‘globalist’ because he’s afraid to use ‘Jewish banking cartel,’ which is the real definition for the term ‘globalist.’”

While people like Mr. Vox operate largely out of sight of mainstream politics, some purveyors of blatantly antisemitic rhetoric have become woven into Mr. Trump’s Republican Party.

Ms. Greene and Mr. Gaetz have appeared on the “Infowars” program hosted by Alex Jones, who said in 2017 that “the head of the Jewish mafia is George Soros.” Mr. Jones was an early supporter of Mr. Trump, who appeared on “Infowars” during his first presidential campaign. During a 2022 episode, Mr. Jones said, “I understand there’s a Jewish mafia, and they’re used to demonize anybody that promotes freedom, but I don’t blame Jews in general for that.” His guest on that episode was the rapper Kanye West — now known as Ye — who professed admiration for Hitler.

In late 2022, Mr. Trump hosted Mr. West at dinner at Mar-a-Lago along with Nick Fuentes, the white nationalist leader and outspoken Holocaust denier. In the ensuing publicity firestorm, Mr. Trump said in a statement that he did not know Mr. Fuentes, and that Mr. West “expressed no anti-Semitism, & I appreciated all of the nice things he said about me on ‘Tucker Carlson.’”

Last May, Mr. Trump phoned in to an event at his Miami resort hosted by the ReAwaken America Tour, a Christian nationalist road show featuring speakers who have promoted far-right, often antisemitic, conspiracy theories. The tour has been led in part by Lt. Gen. Michael T. Flynn, Mr. Trump’s former national security adviser, who said during a ReAwaken rally in 2021 that the United States should have only one religion. Mr. Trump praised the May attendees for being a part of an “important purpose,” and said he wanted to bring Mr. Flynn back to the White House. Mr. Trump’s eldest sons, and others from his inner circle, have been featured speakers on the tour.

The current climate has highlighted Republican politicians’ split-screen messaging.

After Oct. 7, Representative Andy Biggs of Arizona posted on X, “Anti-Semitism and calls for the destruction of Israel are detrimental to the safety of our Jewish communities.” Just months before, he had appeared on a show hosted by Stew Peters, a conspiracy theorist who promotes antisemitic tropes including that “the criminal cabal — primarily Jewish-controlled central banks” are funding evil in America. At least three other congressional Republicans have appeared on Mr. Peters’s show.

Recently some Republicans have blamed Mr. Soros for the pro-Palestinian protests. “America-hating, chaos-funding George Soros at work again trying to destabilize our nation on behalf of Hamas terrorists,” Representative Beth Van Duyne, Republican of Texas, wrote on X.

In fact, Mr. Soros’s connection to the protests is indirect : His foundation has donated to groups that have supported pro-Palestinian efforts, including recent protests, according to its financial records. It has also given to groups that focus on fighting antisemitism, the records show. “We have never and will never pay protesters, nor do we coordinate, train, or advise participants or grantees on the advocacy tactics they choose to pursue,” said a spokeswoman for the foundation.

Asked by The Times whether she was aware that the invocations of Mr. Soros are widely considered anti-Jewish in certain contexts, Ms. Van Duyne posted the questions and her response on X. In addition to funding “organizations that are driving antisemitism on college campuses,” she wrote, “Soros also funded the violent BLM movement, organizations who fought to defund the police, and helped elect pro-criminal district attorneys.”

And when conservative movers and shakers gathered in late February for the Conservative Political Action Conference, the annual homecoming of influential activists and politicians on the right, they were greeted this way: “Welcome to CPAC 2024, where globalism goes to die.”

Methodology

The Times used a variety of methods to examine the extent to which federal politicians have used language promoting antisemitic tropes.

Reporters examined official press releases, congressional newsletters and posts on X (formerly Twitter) of every person who served in Congress over the past 10 years that contained the words “Soros,” “globalist” or “globalism” — terms widely accepted by multiple historians and experts on antisemitism as “dog whistles” that refer to Jews. Reporters read each message to determine if the terms were used in a way that echoed conspiracy theories about Jews. The Times used a similar process to analyze about five years of campaign emails from former President Donald J. Trump.

The Times also examined congressional press releases, newsletters and posts on X for words and phrases that experts said could have antisemitic implications when used in conjunction with discussions of Israel. These included “from the river to the sea,” and variants of “colonial,” “Nazi” and “lobby.”

Retweets or approving quotes of other messages were counted in the Times analysis, and repeated messages that used the same or very similar language were each tallied separately.

Using computer analysis techniques that allow the examination of large amounts of text, The Times also analyzed extremist websites and podcasts to explore how they discussed Mr. Soros and globalists. The Anti-Defamation League provided transcripts of extremist and conspiracy-oriented podcasts that frequently mentioned Mr. Soros and globalists.

Additional sources for congressional newsletters, congressional press releases and emails from the campaign of Mr. Trump: DCinbox , LegiStorm , congressional websites, Archive of Political Emails .

Michael H. Keller contributed reporting. Additional work by Lazaro Gamio .

Karen Yourish is a Times reporter in the Graphics department, combining traditional reporting with data and visual analysis. More about Karen Yourish

Danielle Ivory is a Times investigative reporter. She has reported on a variety of topics, including gun deaths, the Covid pandemic and the war in Ukraine. More about Danielle Ivory

Jennifer Valentino-DeVries is an investigative reporter at The Times who often uses data analysis to explore complex subjects. More about Jennifer Valentino-DeVries

Alex Lemonides is a news assistant in the Newsroom Development and Support team and works with other journalists contributing data research and reporting. He was part of the team that produced the coronavirus databases that won the 2021 Pulitzer Prize in Public Service. More about Alex Lemonides

Our Coverage of the U.S. Campus Protests

News and Analysis

N.Y.U.: In what New York University calls a “restorative practice,” it is forcing student protestors to write apology letters. The students call it a coerced confession.

Columbia: Approximately 550 students, professors and religious leaders gathered near the campus for what organizers called an alternative graduation ceremony , featuring speeches by pro-Palestinian activists and writers, and clergy from various faiths.

Harvard: A Republican-dominated congressional committee released a scathing report of Harvard’s efforts to combat antisemitism on campus, accusing it of suppressing the findings of its antisemitism advisory group and avoiding implementing its recommendations.

IMAGES

Tips to Help when Your Child Hates Homework and it Takes too Long
What to Do When Your Child Hates Homework
Tips to Help when Your Child Hates Homework and it Takes too Long
5 things to say when your child says, "I hate homework!"
Tips to Help when Your Child Hates Homework and it Takes too Long
Kids who hate homework

VIDEO

Comparison: Things Students Hate At School
What do you hate about school?
My 76 year old hates lateness. He up at 5am to be on time. #shorts #vloggerlifestyle #marriedlife
Here's why your child hates school
I hated 7th grade #relatable #fypシ #school #ihateschool #meme #shorts
20 year old HATES NEEDLES 😂

COMMENTS

My Child Refuses To Do Homework
My 11 year old daughter, Alice, has always helped her 7 year old sister, Chole, with homework. But just recently Alice has been giving Chole the wrong answers. We have been trying to get her to give Chole the correct answers. but she always yells at us. She has a baby sister 2 months named Ray and ever since Ray was born she has been giving ...
What to Do When Your Child Hates School
The key is to build bridges. You can reduce your child's automatic reaction to the boredom and frustration of school and homework by linking your children's positive emotions to their one-size ...
Battles Over Homework: Advice For Parents
If your child is unable to work for 20 minutes, begin with 10 minutes. Then try 15 minutes in the next week. Acknowledge every increment of effort, however small. Be positive and give frequent ...
5 things to say when your child says, "I hate homework!"
In Bird by Bird, the writer Anne Lamott famously describes her 10-year-old brother's despair at having left a big homework project — a report on birds — until the last minute. "…he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead.
Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents
4. Communicate regularly with your youngster's educators so that you can deal with any behavior patterns before they become a major problem. 5. Consider adding in break times (e.g., your child might work on her math homework for 15 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break).
My child hates school: Tips from a therapist
My child hates school: Tips from a therapist. Highlights from this blog. · Ask your child clarifying question to get to the root of the problem. · Validate your child's feelings and create a list of solutions together. · Make sure your child has a safe space to express their emotions. Every kid complains about school sometimes.
An Age-By-Age Guide to Helping Kids Manage Homework
Third to fifth grades. Many children will be able to do homework independently in grades 3-5. Even then, their ability to focus and follow through may vary from day to day. "Most children are ...
How to Motivate the Unmotivated Child
Say the following: "I want you to get up out of bed and get ready for school.". "I want you to do your homework now.". Then leave the bedroom. If the kid doesn't do it, then there should be consequences. There should be accountability. If your child says, "I don't care about the consequences," ignore her.
What to do when a 7-year-old melts down about homework?
Perspective by Meghan Leahy. December 16, 2020 at 9:00 a.m. EST. (The Washington Post/Prisma filter/iStock) Q: Is there any way to get through to a 7-year-old in second grade that the amount of ...
How to Help Your Child Get Motivated in School
As a parent, your presence in the academic life of your child is crucial to their commitment to work. Do homework with them, and let them know that you're available to answer questions. Get in the habit of asking them about what they learned in school, and generally engage them academically. By demonstrating your interest in your child's ...
How To Motivate Child To Do Homework (7 Practical Tips)
1. Stop referring to kid doing homework as your child's "job". When you call it a "job", you are implying that it will be all work and no fun. Doing that is setting up a child to feel bad even when it's not. 2. Don't tell your child, "you cannot play until you finish your homework".
What to do when your child hates school
These are easily available on the internet. And encourage your child to bring classmates home for dinner or for sleepovers.". "If bullying is the problem, arrange a meeting at the school and make sure your child is included," suggests Sue. "It helps to write down all the questions you have and the points you want to make.
What to do when your child 'hates' school
Law #22: Stand Up for School You may be surprised at the real reasons behind your kid's whines of "I don't want to go to school.". Children can be miserable in school because of social ...
What to Do When Your Child Hates School
Here are some of the most common reasons kids hate school-and strategies to put them back on the road to success: Anxiety. One fear that keeps children from enjoying school is separation anxiety ...
How to Respond to Your Child's Negative Self-Talk
No parent wants to hear their child say, "I'm dumb" or "I'm stupid," or even worse, "No one loves me.". Rather than panicking or minimizing their experience, use these tips to respond to your child's negative self-talk. "I'm so dumb," your child mumbles at the kitchen table. He bangs his fist on the table and growls.
What to Do When Your Child Hates School
One challenge for parents is to reconnect their children with the joy of learning. If your child hates school, it is probably not his fault, nor that of his teacher, but rather it can be evidence ...
How to homeschool a kid who hates to write
9 tips for doing school with a kid who hates to write. 1. As far as you can, eliminate the writing in every subject but writing. The goal is simply to master the material. 2. Do the work out loud. Instead of written worksheets, try oral drills for math facts, phonics, translations, fill-in-the-blanks, paragraph summaries, etc.
Ask the expert: My 7-year-old son says he hates himself
John Sharry. Mon Dec 28 2015 - 10:10. Q My seven-year-old son can be really self-critical. When he can't do something, he sometimes has a meltdown and starts saying that he is stupid or that he ...
7 YEAR OLD HATES HOMEWORK!!
Piper definitely does not enjoy homework time lol FOLLOW OUR INSTAGRAM FOR OILS:https://www.instagram.com/killenoilsforwellness/Are you new?! WELCOME!! We ar...
ABA exam 3 Flashcards
Brad is a 7-year old child who hates doing homework. When his parent sit him down and he starts to do his homework, Brad quickly throws a fit. Screaming and crying until his parents give in, and let him leave the homework session. If Brad's screaming and crying are operant behaviors maintained by reinforcement, what kind of reinforcement do you ...
"A Child's Anger Can Be a Warning"
When the warning signs of uncontrollable anger go unheeded, a child's emotional flare-ups can spiral into violence that may result in tragedy—as in the recent case of a 10-year-old boy charged ...
Hate Crime Investigation: 2 boys attacked by man on Citi Bike in
The suspect is described as an approximately 18 to 20-year-old man. He was last seen wearing a black jacket, black and white striped shirt, light blue jeans and white sneakers with stripes.
China launches campaign to halt school bullying, excessive homework
The announcements come after the killing of a 13-year old boy in northern China, whose case triggered a heated media debate over juvenile crime and the plight of children left at home by migrant ...
SoHo deadly shooting: 19-year-old questioned in connection with murder
SOHO, Manhattan (WABC) -- A 19-year-old is being questioned by police in connection with the fatal shooting of a teen in SoHo. Makhai Brown was allegedly breaking up an argument between two Broome ...
Do You or Your Child Confuse Hatred and Anger?
Recently a mother I know told me that her son hates her. She is going through a divorce, and her six-year-old son has been yelling at her and even trying to kick and hit her on occasion.We needed ...
How Republicans Echo Antisemitic Tropes Despite Declaring Support for
The review found that last year at least 790 emails from Mr. Trump to his supporters invoked Mr. Soros or globalists conspiratorially, a meteoric rise from prior years.